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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Feeling fed up, AIBU?

20 replies

Dazzband · 14/07/2020 02:35

Ss is 13 lives with his mum and usually stays with us on weekends and holidays. Since lockdown has started he has been with us ( myself, DP, and his 2 siblings). He has not gone home at apart from a day here or there. When hes at his mums he has somewhat of a structure, chores, they go for dog walks, have outings. When he is with us he is basically left to his own devices and isolates himself in his room.

I guess I already know the answer.... AIBU to feel so irritated with him? He doesn't do anything to help around the house, doesn't pick up after himself, and tonight he turned his nose up at what I cooked today. Ive been keeping my feelings to myself as I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help it.
While DP was off work it was fine as he was around to help with kids 5 and 7 months. But he's gone back to work. I feel like his Mother should insist he comes home here and there to some of the parenting too, knowing DP has gone back to work. I'm just feeling fed up!

OP posts:

Blondie1984 · 14/07/2020 03:15

Could you try and engage and include him in something so that he doesn’t isolate himself in his room? Put him in charge of dinner one night, get him to cut the grass/wash the car, ask him to help home school the younger ones ...

Original poster

Dazzband · 14/07/2020 03:32

If I ask him to help out he will do it. But most of the time he's rushing to get back on his computer games. He plays online with his friend all day or is on his phone.

OP posts:

hulahoopqueen · 14/07/2020 06:38

Tricky. If SS’s dad isn’t there, there’s really no reason SS should be there. Is his mum working? If so, then both parents need to come up with a childcare situation that isn’t you, as you’re obviously not wanting to do it. Are you currently on maternity leave?
The main question that sprung to my mind however was, why don’t you have structure for him at yours? If he’s turning his Nose up at food, ask him what he’d like. Spend 10 mins flicking through an easy cookbook with him to find stuff he’d like, and involve him in the process. Give him £10 to do a “supermarket sweep” style thing to get all the ingredients in 10 minutes or something, then involve him in the cooking process.
Ask him to play constructively with your 5yo - set up obstacle courses in the garden, go for scavenger hunts in the park, make a fort.
Treat him as one of your own children, and less like an unwanted guest (which is kind of how your OP comes across) and he might actually want to start helping and contributing to the family.

Original poster

Dazzband · 14/07/2020 08:30

His Mum is currently not working, so she's at home. As does not want to go to his home. I think it's because his Mum makes him do housework, and is his school work. When he is with us he gets to sir on his computer all day.

He is not going to want to play games with a 5 year old, all he wants to do is play Fortnite. I'm more annoyed at his Mother for not insisting that he goes home for a while. She hasn't seen him properly since lockdown- apart from one day here and there

OP posts:

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 14/07/2020 10:15

YANBU OP. When he’s at yours it’s to have contact with his Dad. You’re not free childcare.

If his Dad isn’t there then he should go back home to see his mum, especially if he’s not engaging with family life at yours. I imagine with two young children you’ve got enough on your plate.

aSofaNearYou · 14/07/2020 10:16

With respect, he should just be told he's going back to his mum's. Neither of his parents are available at your house so that's just the way it is. Both parents are being extremely presumptuous by expecting you to watch him.

But yes, more long term than that, why don't you have boundaries and chores etc at yours? He's already starting to play the two households off each other and take advantage, I think you (or more specifically your partner since it's his responsibility) should implement something similar to the rules at his mum's house, if she has the better approach.

excelledyourself · 14/07/2020 10:54

I'm more annoyed at his Mother for not insisting that he goes home for a while.

Your annoyance is misplaced. His dad could just as easily insist he goes home, just as his dad could put some boundaries, structure, and discipline in place, like the mother has managed to do.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 14/07/2020 10:55

I hope his dm hasn't been getting any maintenance money...

YgritteSnow · 14/07/2020 10:58

Well why isn't his Dad making him do housework, giving him structure, making him do his homework? How can lack of structure at his other parents home be his mother's fault in any way?

Magda72 · 14/07/2020 11:09

Everything @aSofaNearYou says.

If his dm wasn't working or shielding why on earth was he with you for the whole of lockdown in the first place?
You are the extra adult in his life not his parent so why are you being left to parent him in lieu of either of his parents? Imo your dp is as 'guilty' here as his ex.
Honestly these posts from sm's left parenting their sdc when both parents are well and able bodied infuriate me beyond belief.

RandomMess · 14/07/2020 11:13

Your DH is the problem! Why hasn't he enforced boundaries and rules in his home?

Yes DH should tell him he needs to go and spend time with his Mum as he is back at work !

Tinamou · 14/07/2020 11:13

Now usually I would agree that you are not responsible for 'parenting' your step son who has two parents of his own. But in this case, surely it's in your own interests to do so? If you start giving him chores and putting limits on his screen time, he may choose to go back to his mum. Win win.

sahbear · 14/07/2020 11:16

It is neglectful of his father to let him game in his bedroom all day. Has he not been engaging in schoolwork? He needs to go home to his Mum who actually parents him.

RandomMess · 14/07/2020 11:20

I would change the internet password, "oh dear it's broken"...

CBADotCom · 14/07/2020 11:59

DSS usually lives with DP (my home isn't big enough) and GP's help with childcare when they can however as they are all working as normal during lockdown and I'm WFH I agreed to have him here more however I insisted that DP enforced that, like my kids, he does school work, chores, structured activities etc instead of just sitting on games console all day (GP's would happily leave him sit in his room all day). He gets up, has breakfast, gets ready, does some schoolwork, takes dog for a walk then has some console time before more school work in arvo. He wasnt too happy about this at first but DP stood firm (unlike he usually does) and now things have settled into a decent routine.

Try and discuss it with your DP, point out that DSS is still at school and should be doing some work plus its not really healthy for kids to be sitting on consoles all day every day. But DP is the one that will need to enforce it, not you. And if DP isn't willing to enforce it and it's causing you difficulties then maybe DSS needs to go back to his mums for a period of time.

GarlicMcAtackney · 14/07/2020 14:40

Why on earth are you with this deadbeat boyfriend who’s using you as free childcare? You find shit dads attractive?

user1493413286 · 14/07/2020 16:39

In all honesty this is not his fault; I don’t think many 13 year old boys would follow a structure if they’re left to their own devices. I can see why he prefers being at yours if he is allowed to do what he wants.
You have two choices really although both involve your DH doing something; either insist he goes back to his mums or put some structure and expectations into the day - your DH can explain it to him and tell him what the deal is but you’ll need to enforce it if you’re the one at home all day.
There are quite a few 13 year olds currently at home while their parents work full time and the parents still do the parenting work when they get home from work.

Motherlandismylife · 15/07/2020 11:06

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Original poster

Dazzband · 16/07/2020 02:01

To answer questions about school work, yes he has been doing it now. He had stopped for a 2 weeks, his mum had called the school and she went ballistic down the phone to him. So now he has been doing his work. However, he gets up after 11 and is done by 3 and then straight back on the PS4.

I spoke to DP and told him that dss needs to help out , he agreed and said he will have a word with him but also I am here so I should telling him what to do. So yes I should be the enforcer..

OP posts:

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 16/07/2020 06:14

OP I’ve been in your position and it’s tough because I felt I couldn’t win.

If I was ever “enforcer” or told my two SDs off for anything (or shocker..... asked them to help with housework) - I then had the girls throwing it at me that I’m not their mother and DH got furious emails from his ex saying similar and asking who did I think I was.

Completely fed up with this after 10 years, my stress levels were through the roof and my relationship with DH was suffering so I completely disengaged and told DH that if he wasn’t here then neither are his girls and that I wasn’t parenting his children for him any more. I was doing the majority of the childcare for him and I made sure that came to a screeching halt.

I still chat to the girls when they come and they are made to feel welcome but I leave everything up to him now.

I wish you all the best with it OP and hope your DH backs you up.

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