Why do some moms refuse to see the damage they cause to their kids

[OhNoNotMonday]

and then still try to act like they are the victim to the rest of the world.

So annoyed with DSC's mom and her absolute pettiness and the hurts she causes her kids.

She hasn't seen DSS since Feb after he moved in with us at end Dec. They have very little contact and every time she turns it into some dig about how she is so hard done by or tries to pump him for info which he feels puts him in an awkward position.

Last night she messaged to see if he wanted to go out for his bday with her (great no problems with that) but then followed it up with a dig about last time and why she wouldn't have him at hers!

She is narcissistic and drug and alcohol dependent. The dig was massively uncalled for and not even true and just left him feeling like a piece of shit again.

She is running the kids down constantly to everyone who will listen saying they are just disrespectful shits, all across social media which DSS sees (DSD is NC with her but is 20). He was so upset last night and now dreading seeing her on his bday.

I know she has MH issues and I have tried to be supportive, I never ever judge her to the kids which has caused arguments between me and DSD because I will not get into it with them and sit and run her down but I am getting sick of her pathetic behavior and seeing the damage she is doing to her kids especially DSS as he thinks women are generally crazy and I have already told him I think he needs counselling.

I suppose I just needed a rant really because it is difficult in rl to be able to say what I feel about her but my empathy is running very thin on the ground at the moment and getting sick of her shit, I just want to tell her straight that you cause the damage, you picked a man before your son even though SS told you if you kept him in your life you could not have your son live with you, you are actually a vile person who is so determined that you are always right that you may well lose your son altogether and I am not even sure this is really a bad thing - for them.

Wow.

What a horrible, narcissistic bitch of a mother the kids have. Unfortunately some people will never see the wrong in thier actions, or the hurt they cause those closest to them.

In this case I think the best thing might just be to confront her, if DSS is uncomfortable with his mother providing he's at an age he can make that decision for himself then perhaps no contact would be best.

She sounds vile.

In your position I'd have words now. The kids are suffering and it's not fair.

Ah the poor guy. You only get one mother and he certainly drew the short straw with her.

You sound like you have a really good relationship and that is gonna make up for a lot of it. I think reassure him that his mum's words are a reflection of her finding life hard and nothing to do with him. Tell him he doesn't need to spend his birthday with her and you or his dad will let her know if he prefers.

He will be 16 in a couple of weeks. Up until this point I have remained as neutral as possible, tried to encourage some level of contact but this is now starting to make me think twice. I didnt want the kids damaged by not having her in their life.

DH thinks I am just being influenced by my own feelings as I lost my mom sudfenly 18 mnths ago and dont eant tbe kids to feel like I do about not having my mom around.

DSD is NC as mom got kicked out of delivery then hospital whilst she was in labour because she kept kicking off around hospital after she knew I was there. DSD invited her to visit DGS as he was really poorly and in hospital for 6 weeks, the day she was coming they told DSD that we may lose him. Her mom told her she would leave them to it and has told various stories about how its DSD's fault as she took drugs/ starved so dhe wouldnt be fat. He actually has genetic epilepsy. She is vile and now says she cant understand why everyone hates her and doesnt know what she has done wrong. She is convinced the kids use us for our money (we are just normal working class and dont have much) but equally I dont want the kids to regret not having her in tbeir lives at all. Think I am done making excuses for her now though and her kids deserve better.

She sounds the same as my mum. She called me on my 16th birthday to wish me happy birthday ( had moved in with my father) I was really happy to speak to her untill she dropped that she was in a mental health hospital after being committed again. She’d had been in two weeks yet chose to tell me on my birthday, asked me why I hadn’t try to find out where she was.

I’ve been NC for 18 years now.

Your dss mum will never ever change. Don’t encourage visits. They will do nothing but disturb him.

What I really would recommend is a few counselling sessions even if he seems fine now, just consider it as good housekeeping. When mothers are this bad they can cause really deep rooted problems that can effect you later on in life.

Evelefteden that sounds awful but very typical of the type of thing she would do.

Do you mind me asking how you generally feel about being NC with her? I don't want them to feel guilty in later life thinking they should have understood her MH issues properly or we should have helped facilitate a relationship with her better and they end up feeling resentful and abandoned all round by all of the adults that should be supporting them through life (if that makes any sense).

It’s not just mums. Not by a long shot.

Howaboutanewname I guess not, maybe I should have put parents and no offence was meant but actually in this case it is just their mom.

There will always be parents who can't see past their own needs. Male or female it makes no difference. Ive found that they are like that in all forms of life, not just with their children or ex partners.

My exh hides it very well with the majority of people in his life. Just not with me and one of our children. The cracks are starting to show with the other too though.

They will never change and the best way to deal with them is you don't. It becomes like a game. They say one thing and then the complete opposite the day later. I think they even believe their own tall tales. Its exhausting.

I should add my eldest has chosen to go very low contact. Its had repercussions for us both. I wish I'd supported her to do this sooner but I always thought it would one day sort. One day he'd see sense. I believe I have done damage to her by not supporting her decision sooner.

They say one thing and then the complete opposite the day later. yep this is common. One morning text asking for keys back, later that day text dh saying can you let the kids know my door will always be open for my children, week later text DSS to say she had told the family that she wasn't picking between boyfriend and kids, it was an easy choice because he had done more for her then the kids ever did!

I believe I have done damage to her by not supporting her decision sooner. I think though that you are her mom and trying to be supportive of her contact until enough was enough, I think as a SM it's not as easy and I have fell into the trap for the last 2 years of not wanting to take sides especially against their mom.

@OhNoNotMonday

Evelefteden that sounds awful but very typical of the type of thing she would do.

Do you mind me asking how you generally feel about being NC with her? I don't want them to feel guilty in later life thinking they should have understood her MH issues properly or we should have helped facilitate a relationship with her better and they end up feeling resentful and abandoned all round by all of the adults that should be supporting them through life (if that makes any sense).

Sorry for the late reply.

I went NC at 21 after another spectacular shitshow on my birthday. My mother had a habit of making land mark birthdays not very pleasant for me and my brother. The day before his 16th she tried to hang herself ( multiple attempts over the years - never succeeding)

I didn’t feel guilty at first because I was angry , then after a while surprised she hadn’t tried to contact me that damaged me, I remember crying my eyes out on my 30th, then That morphed in to ten years. I started feeling not so much guilty but wanting to know if she was alive as she had cut contact with the entire family. I managed to find her and she had not changed a bit so quickly went NC ( which I did feel guilty about) and that was about 8 years ago.

My mother had a dreadful childhood in care. It broke her mentally. She had being seen by a psychiatrist since she was 14 so every one always gave her a free pass.

I had to see a psychiatrist over some stuff that happened to me when I was younger, nothing to do with my mother. But just through some basic questions off my psychiatrist in my first session it opened a massive can of worms that id never even dared to think about. My mothers behaviour towards me effected me so more profoundly than what I was actually there for. I honestly didn’t think it ran that deep. I was actually really disturbed about it all and say there grieving and crying.

I know this won’t be a popular opinion, but it’s based on my experience and literature and books that I’ve read. A mothers love and a fathers love are two very different things. Both are very equal and important in raising a emotionally healthy child. However I do believe and I’ve read that when mothers fail to give there children good emotional nurturing it can do so much more damage than absent father would.

If I was you, I’d stay super neutral and supportive but never encourage a relationship because you will be telling him his very real feelings don’t matter. I’d also book him in for some therapy sessions if he would go and I’d see it as just keeping a check on his mental health for him.

You sound lovely and thoughtful