Finally, some good news.

[Bookaholic73]

A bit of background.

My step kids moved in with us last year, after their mum bu**ered off abroad with a man she met online after 3 months.

It’s been a struggle, tears and sweat..but I feel like I’ve managed to build a bond with them. We have a good routine, bedtime has significantly improved, and they’ve started eating food that doesn’t include chips and pizza.

My DSD has FINALLY realised that I’m not a rival for her dads attention. The other day we (DSD and I) went into town, just the 2 of us, and we had a good time.

Being a step mum (or step parent in general) is DIFFICULT, especially if they move in full time, but I love the good times.

Their Mum has also started (as from last week) to get in contact with them, although they all say they don’t want to talk to her. We are trying to encourage that contact, she is their mum after all.

Just thought I’d share some good news for a change!

That's great - all your hard work finally bearing some fruit!

@refusetobeasheep it’s definitely starting to feel like it.
I’d like to start trying to get to know their mum a little bit, make things a little less awkward.

Does anyone have advice on how to try and build a good relationship with the kids Mum?

Well done, it takes a good person to keep trying and it will be worth it in the end.

Brilliant - thank goodness they now have some stability in their lives.

Imo make sure the encouragement to see dm comes from df. Or she may feel rejected by you also.

Read "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" it's very helpful for chatting to DC about conflict emotions, trusting their instincts, emotional resilience and so on.

I wouldn't attempt to build any type of relationship with her. Shes in another country for a start so this would be extremely difficult.

It's up to your DH to facilitate contact/phonecalls etc. I'd stay well clear and keep doing what you're doing. You're the neutral one in this and I'd keep it that way. The moment you start any contact with her may give her the opportunity to make you the bad person and that'll roll down through the SDC.

I'm glad you feel that you've turned a corner OP. It sounds like you just need to keep doing what you are doing.

YAY! Thank you so much for sharing the good news. It is so important to also hear about the good things happening and to celebrate the highs together!

We have also made huge progress in my family with my husband's ex (the mother of my 2 step daughters), and it feels GREAT!

@RandomMess thanks for the recommendation, I'll have a look. Always interesting to read advice on the subject, especially when the children become teenagers...

Congratulations @Bookaholic73 I remember your OP and think you are an amazing woman and role model.
It is not your job to make life easy for the kids Mum, she left, she needs to do the work, just continue to be a constant in their lives and someone they can rely on and trust.

I remember your thread. It shows that in so many circumstances, your best friend is just time. Kids rely much more on time elapsed to make changes to their attitudes and feelings because that's all they've got to establish whether they can trust someone.

You've been amazing and patient and you are starting to see them slowly starting to adjust to their new lives and normality.

There will be some steps back so don't despair when that happens. In the end, you'll build an amazing bond with them and having children your close to when they become adults is amazing. Their mum will have lost that chance.

Thank you all.
Ah it’s been a rocky road, but I do feel like we are getting there.

DH has put boundaries in place around bed time, which really helps. I feel like we now get some time together properly.