How involved should I be?

[Givemestrengthwiththeex]

I’ve been in my partners children’s lives for just over a year now.

We get on really well, and have never had any callings out.

He has a son of 7 and a daughter of 3.

At first I was just around when they were. I never have been very good with kids that weren’t my own family.

Lately, I cook for them, clean up after them, play with them, do crafts, do their hair, give them cuddles, talk and explain things to them etc.

And I’m fine with that, and we have a great bond.

My partner loves how close we have become and calls me part of their family, and not having a family of my own, it feels really nice.

Then comes the ex and kids mum. I’ve never met her, because there is not a good relationship between her and my partner so I think it’s best to keep away from it all. I’ve stayed silent through all her digs at me, which include body shaming to their daughter. Who said she knows mummy is being naughty and she does try to stop her.

She constantly posts on social media things about “if you think you’ll ever be step mom to my kids, think again”

She stops contact because her little girl has been seen holding my hand to cross the road. Petty little things. Well, I say that, but I’ve never been a mum, so I try to stay respectful of her feelings and try to understand, but I find this really hard.

So, as I clearly annoy their mum by having a good relationship with them, my question is, after a year am I too involved?

I hope to marry my partner one day, should things only change at this point? Should I back off for now?

Some will say too involved, others will say it’s fine and still more will say why on Earth are you cooking and cleaning for and entertaining someone elses’s children.

as long as you are not trying to erase mum from her children’s lives, are respectful about mum and are happy with things, then it’s probably fine.

But a year, yes, very quick.

Lately, I cook for them, clean up after them, play with them, do crafts, do their hair, give them cuddles, talk and explain things to them etc
Why? What does he do? Didn't he do all those things himself before he met you?

It does sound like he wants you to be anew mum to his kids. He's erased the mum and you are now taking her place in his new family.

You carve a family so this is perfect for both of you, but I'm not surprised that mum is struggling with you trying to act as their mum.

It might be fine in the future, she gets used to it and you continue as is. Sadly, too often, you'll start finding acting like mum not so fun anymore when you'll realise that despite picking up all the chores, the children will not respect and love you like they do their mum and dad. Add to this new children, your own who will then take a much more important place in your heart, resentment growing that you've got to do everything for 3 or 4 children and that picture perfect will start to tarnish.

Take a step back now and don't do what your oh should be doing because it's fun and you want to show him what a good mum you make.

It really should be the other way around, you get the fun of having kids in your life, he gets the chores!

Oh I really don’t want to replace mum. I just care for the children because they mean so much to my oh.

I don’t even want my own children. So I definitely don’t want to be a mum to someone else’s. And I’m certainly not trying to prove anything to my oh. We both know we don’t want any kids together.

My OH does still do a lot, we share everything. But since lockdown, I’m furloughed and he’s still working so I do more at home, because I’m there all day every day and he isn’t. He still baths the kids, puts them to bed etc. I’m just the better cook, and they seem to follow me around, even he has commented that they only want to stay over to see me. It makes me feel bad, but I’m not doing anything apart from carrying on my day as normal. I think they just enjoy being around an adult that’s no going shout at them, and gives them their time. At home, they are told to leave her alone a lot so she can go for a fag in peace or clean so they have to go to their bedroom. And that’s no judgement on her, I’m sure if they were with us full time and her at the weekends, there would be times where I’d have to get oh to take them out so I can get things done, and it’s hard for her because she doesn’t have that.

The kids are fine and love me to bits, my oh is happy and so am I. Everything feels natural for us. I just find it hard to be constantly slated on social media with all her mum friends agreeing. Just makes me feel like I’m a bad person for doing what feels natural and not too much at all. Am I supposed to tell little kids to go away and no spend time with me because it upsets their mum? I think she may have already had a word with her three year old, that used to say I love you all the time (not prompted or reciprocated because of upset it would cause her mum) Now she says shhh before saying it, but poor little thing can’t stop herself, it literally bursts out of her.

I kind of think, if your kids are happy, why not just let them be.

The mum sounds bitter and jealous. I think its your DH's place to ask her to stop as she is making herself look bitter and jealous to others. Have you or DH took permanent measures to not have your own children, if not as PP says all the things mentioned above will most probably come into play if the day comes when you do decide to add to the family. I am learning on MN that Step parenting seems really hard :)

Well, I don't think you're "too" involved and the mum obviously is being petty and unreasonable if she is complaining about things like holding a kids hand to cross the street. I have held the hands of kids I met that day to do that, it means very little but is vital for safety. There is absolutely no justification for sending messages like "you will never be their step mum" from what you've described, that paints a picture of a highly unreasonable, territorial and volatile individual. I would hazard a guess she would be like this with anyone in your position. You should bear in mind that this is a very strong indication she will be petty, intrusive and fly off the handle at the slightest thing for the rest of your relationship going forward.

You should ask yourself a few questions. Where is your partner in this? How does he respond to her when she acts this way? Does he shut it down effectively? His ability to handle his ex will tell you if the relationship will be able to survive her vitriol. How has your relationship with the kids evolved to the point you are doing so much for them; did he expect it of you? Is he trying to push those responsibilities onto you? What's his whole attitude? This is very important to whether this set up is a positive thing, or whether you are being taken advantage of. Don't think about whether you are happy to do it, think about what he is doing and how grateful he is. You may not feel so keen to be doing all these things for him in a few years, he needs to be fully aware it is his responsibility.

Remove and block her on any and all social media.

Do whatever you feel to be a cohesive happy family.

If the children are happy then carry on. But I wouldn't take the lead in the drudgery of childcare, I'd personally be the fun person, the caring and drudgery is mainly their dad's he shouldn't be the one who gets all the fun and non of the boring mundane stuff. How do men get out of caring for their own children so easily, even working I still manage to feed, bathe and care for my DC without palming them off on anyone. Because I have to.

As for holding hands with a child when crossing the road, of course you have to. Their mum is being irrational there. Ignore.

Its a bit soon. The children’t don’t love you to bits, children who follow around, act over excited for an adult coming round, saying I love you etc are usually insecure. They act in that way to persuade an adult that they are good enough. As an adoptive parent what you have said is textbook insecure behaviour.

I have a just turned five year old, my boyfriend has been living here since March but they have known each other much longer. He doesn’t cook for him, clean up after him, provide personal care as he isn’t his parent and its too soon for any of that. It would also model poor boundaries to my son if that was happening.

Sometimes he will tell him he loves him, he is corrected and in an age appropriate way it is explained why he doesn’t need to say that. Sometimes he will call him dad, again he is always corrected in an age appropriate way.
If he asks for things beyond anything basic he is right told to ask me, show me etc.

Yes he plays with my son, talks to him etc, but thats no different to any adult coming to our home. My boyfriend lost his job due to covid, I didn’t use it as an excuse to not parent my son.

There is no problem with my partner and the amount he does for his kids. I don’t feel forced or pressured into doing anything that I’m doing, like I said it’s just naturally fallen this way. Before lockdown I worked all the time so he would do everything for them, I’d literally just be there on days out, for the occasional tea time where he would cook because I’d have to be gone again. And I will be going back early next year. So for now I’m just enjoying this.

My oh doesn’t really deal with her. Their relationship ended badly 3 years ago and he tries to have minimal contact with her. She is often aggressive towards him even in messages over when to collect the kids. She sends memes out of the blue where she’s cut his head into them just to slate him. So I don’t expect him to try and have a conversation about me, because it would result in him losing contact which happens often enough anyway.

Now, I would never say this out loud, but on an anonymous board I’m sure is fine. She is so much to handle that sometimes I wish she would stop contact for good like she keeps threatening just so we wouldn’t have to deal with her every day. And I feel like a horrible person for saying this, but I’ve been with him 1.5 years and nothing has gotten better, so I doubt it ever will. She can’t seem to hold down a new partner which she is trying very desperately to do, and I think that’s my only hope to be left alone! Awful and selfish I know, but I will take a mn bashing just to be able to get that off my chest somewhere!! Sorry!

@SimonJT realistically you have no idea whether the kids love op or not. I actually think it's quite weird telling a child not to tell people they love them. My child tells his keyworker at nursery he loves her, me and her both know he doesn't, really, but we wouldn't stop him because it's what he feels.

Op I don't think you're doing too much. Their mum is jealous. Ignore her. But, please only do things for them that you WANT to do. Don't feel obliged or forced to do it because that's where it all goes downhill imo.

The mum sounds bitter and jealous. I think its your DH's place to ask her to stop as she is making herself look bitter and jealous to others

Or tired and overworked, trying to keep a household going and then hears from her children how lovely things are at daddy’s house and how they never get sent to their rooms while OP cleans and how amazing the towels smell and how fantastic her spag Bol tastes....It can get a bit much, specially if you’re really trying hard to nod and smile and not be upset in front of your children. It all needs to go somewhere - social media not the best outlet, granted.

I think you're a very well meaning and nice person but you haven't thought this through at all. You've assumed a parenting role in their life (and I understand that's by accident/lockdown rather than by intent) but the fact remains that you have done it and you've done it very quickly. You've gone from being dad's GF to full on carer in a nanosecond. That's bound to make their mum feel threatened.

And guess what: she's right to be cautious about you because according to your latest update as soon as things go 'back to normal' you'll be dropping that parenting role and going back to being 'dad's GF'. I really, really don't mean to be unkind, but can't you see that's going to have a negative affect on the DCs?

@Howaboutanewname

The mum sounds bitter and jealous. I think its your DH's place to ask her to stop as she is making herself look bitter and jealous to others

Or tired and overworked, trying to keep a household going and then hears from her children how lovely things are at daddy’s house and how they never get sent to their rooms while OP cleans and how amazing the towels smell and how fantastic her spag Bol tastes....It can get a bit much, specially if you’re really trying hard to nod and smile and not be upset in front of your children. It all needs to go somewhere - social media not the best outlet, granted.

None of that is a good enough reason for her behaviour. There is NO EXCUSE for involving your children in your dislike for any other adult, ever.

'So for now, I'm just enjoying this'

They're kids, not a holiday romance.

Why oh why would you check her messages and life in social media if you so desperate for her to not be part of your life?

Either you have nothing to do with her at all and don't have a care of what she says to get friends (which she is entitled to do just as you are entitled to come and vent in this forum) or you accept that you are party to the animosity.

Its really great that everything is going well and may it last, but you still have in the honeymoon period. Maybe reading more threads here might help in realising what could possibly come ahead. Those lovely loving girls could very well turn into rude, disrespectful teenagers. Will you still be as committed then to cook for them and do things with them?

It's easy to act as a parent to an easy and loving child but if you need to be prepared to do the same when they are not so giving any longer. That's when things can turn sour. Of course they might never do, but it's something you need to be prepared for potentially.

You will get such conflicting information and advise from people. Everything you've described, cooking more because you a better cook and doing fun crafty things with the children sounds fine.

Mum sounds like she feels a little threatened by having another woman in the kids life. Are you your partners first relationship since they split?

My two boys have a stepmum my eldest doesn't really like her but my youngest boy does. She doesn't treat them any different or step on my toes. We are civil when we see one another but it's not very often.

Step mums are hated and vilified on MumsNet ... if it feels right for u then carry on as is.

Block the ex from social media so u do not see the stuff she writes. Likewise if people show it to you, ask them not to or block them.

Put the kids and their relationship with their father and mother first, and u can't go wrong.

Wow, I meant I’m enjoying my time off any doing the housework and cooking! Calm down will you.

I’m not a monster! I understand they are children and not a holiday romance or something I can pick up and drop! I may not have children but I was one once and remember my feelings going through all this!

I’m not saying I’d drop the kids, I care for them so much. But I do have a career and I won’t be doing as much for them when I go back to work because my working hours fall at the weekends mostly. Oh do not.

When I say I do these things it’s because I love cooking for me and oh, so I’m what world am I going to say sorry honey, I’ll cook for us, but I can’t be seen to be being their mother figure so you need to cook for them, or the little girl comes and cuddles me at night to go to sleep, no darling don’t do that go and cuddle daddy. It’s just not realistic. It’s cold and uncaring. When I say these are things that have just happened naturally, that’s exactly what I mean.

As for when I have to go back to work, when I’m not in work, things will be the same, but when I am OH will step back up. He still baths them and puts them to bed, gets them out of bed and disciplines them. I stay well away from any thing like that. I really don’t feel I do that much at all. I’m there for them, and I care about them and cook them food as I would my oh. Naturally I’m better at doing hair than oh. But he even brushes it for them. I just style it so they don’t go back to her looking like wild children.

I really think any ADULT that wouldn’t give basic care to a CHILD staying in their household is a bit cold. I’d do these things for my nieces if they were to stay over, does that mean I’m trying to be their parent? Do I feel my brothers are taking advantage? Do I feel Id resent anyone or anything? No!

Is it honestly, really, truly, to much to ask that if the kids are happy and content, that she just leaves me alone, no body shaming, no digs, no telling me I’m nothing.

Me and oh have a really healthy and strong relationship, if I was unhappy with something I would tell him, same of him with me. So we can stop the oh bashing. I have a caring, thoughtful partner, he’s not lazy or taking advantage.

Yes she is blocked on all social media, has been for a while, now sets up fake accounts to try and follow my personal accounts so both me and oh have deleted our social media for now. It’s family members of his telling us what she posts. They say her entire news feed is memes about ex partners and step mums, new girlfriends. She has a few digs a day by all accounts.

OH ignores contact other than when she talks about the kids. Which makes her go a bit crazy.

We have a police call out that is being monitored for harassment as she spent Father’s Day trying to gain access to our property for two hours whilst we were out because we forgot to hand back a tiny unimportant item with the kids bags and oh said he would drop back Monday but that wasn’t good enough.

So we are very careful with any contact what so ever.

Of course it's not too much to ask for her to leave you alone, but it is your DP that should be addressing this problem. He's letting you down as a partner by doing nothing, regardless of his fears about contact. If he isn't able to take perfectly reasonable and necessary action to prevent his ex from abusing his new partner, then he isn't in a position to be in a relationship. It's no way to live. He needs to start standing up to her, and go to court over access if necessary.

So for now, I'm just enjoying this

They're kids, not a holiday romance.

This is ridiculous. Why isn’t she allowed to say she’s enjoying her current situation? If she said she hates it you’d have something to say about that too no doubt.

A stepmum posts a positive comment and someone comes out with a snide comment about it not being a holiday romance. Only on MN!

@funinthesun19

So for now, I'm just enjoying this

They're kids, not a holiday romance.

This is ridiculous. Why isn’t she allowed to say she’s enjoying her current situation? If she said she hates it you’d have something to say about that too no doubt.

A stepmum posts a positive comment and someone comes out with a snide comment about it not being a holiday romance. Only on MN!

Maybe we need a StepmumsNet to be set up. Because this is the second time I’ve posted on here and feel like myself and my oh are the worst people in the world!

I get a feeling most to not like men very much, or their new partners. Could be very wrong but that’s how it comes across.

I guess I expected to chat to people going through the same, because it is difficult, and I knew going into it, it wouldn’t be easy. I’m not living in some fairytale by any means. But we always make the best out of a bad situation! Because how miserable would life be if you didn’t!

Anyway, I’ve spoke to my oh and told him how I’m feeling and he’s backed me up all the way, and reassured me I’m not doing anything wrong or overstepping the line. He loves the way we all are and couldn’t ask for any better. She’s been told to reign it in and keep it too herself. And contact is now going back to only email and only about arrangements for the kids.

Im sure she will still ask the kids questions about me and I’m sure she will give sly digs to get nasty comments back to me and I guess that’s just something I have to get used to putting up with.

Giving up on this site for step parent chat. All the best!

OP I’m glad to see you’ve had a chat with your OH and are happy with what he had to say.
MN is a fickle beast when it comes to step mums. You’re doing fine by the sound of things!

If you ever feel like you’re doing too much, there are plenty of threads urging a step mum to forget her own children’s well-being and give her last pound and drop of blood to her step kids or just leave her DH because she obviously doesn’t care at all for the poor deprived golden ones and is condemning them to MH issues as adults if she doesn’t.