Ex's new partner...my daughter told me something and I am not happy!

[YRose123]

Hi..just want some opinions please and thoughts on a situation.

Brief background story...I have a daughter who is 4...me and her dad separated last January (based on he had very bad anger issues at times, but since separating we both realised we actually work better as parents and friends then together in a relationship) we're civil enough Infront of our daughter and on a whole we get along fine when we need to communicate etc. he's with a new partner (lets call her X) who has 3 young children and moved in VERY quick with her. He introduced-my daughter to her very quick which I wasn't happy about but..hey ho, it was already done nothing I could do! I am now with someone as well so my daughter stays with me Monday to Friday evening and goes to dads Friday evening-Sunday lunch time every weekend. I have briefly met ex's new partner as she has done some drop offs to me with my daughter and we've had civil small chat..nothing too much but we just put on the awkward polite face.

The last few times my daughter has come she has said she can't sleep there because one of her children picks on her quite a lot, and one of them really miss behaves and repeated some stuff she says including swearing etc. When she come home Sunday just gone when she was dropped home she said to me..'X slapped her daughter round the face and dragged her arm in the car and said shut up you little shit)

Now I get all kids can be a massive pain..and when my daughter goes they are responsible for 4 young kids but I'm appalled! I do not want my daughter viewing things like that. I explained how adults are not allowed to hit children and maybe she was just really cross etc but my daughter then said it hope X Doesn't shout at me or hit my face'...I just felt in shock! She's 4 years old and I do not want her to feel like she's got to tread on eggshells around her.

How do I go about telling them what she's told me, she's due to be picked up Friday and I haven't rang or text her dad as I don't want to get into a phone argument..I think it's better off said in person, but do not want my daughter witnessing that kind of parenting thinking it's ok!

Thoughts?..

Can anyone sit with you when you talk about it, or maybe have your partner or your mum or a trusted friend in the next room with DD?
I think it would be nice to have some support.

I would probably go down the DD is a bit frightened about coming to see you, she’s mentioned this and she doesn’t want it to happen to her. I know kids can be a bit much but what can we do to reassure her? Maybe we should do a couple of days out all together or something.
I don’t know really.
I hope you’re ok?
I would probably want to cut all contact tbh

@Boomclaps it's so hard isn't it! I feel that way trust me.. but my daughter IDOLISES her dad! Which (secretly I don't like at times!) but I need to think what's best for her as it would crush her not seeing him. But in a way since being with his new partner and her children he's not the same with my daughter attention wise..she plays up a lot more now because there is some jealousy there..she says he shouts at her to not play with their favourite toys etc when she's there but it's unfair as she's going to their house to see her dad what does he expect..her to sit in the corner?...I think I'll have to just wait for them to pick her up Friday and say can I have a word when my daughters in the car and say it's none of my business how you discipline your child but can you remember it's infront of my child who now has said to me 'I don't want her to smack me'...

I think you need to report it to social services, if not for the child who was assulted then for your daughter. She is not only at risk of this herself, but it will help you to have it on record so you can justify not sending her.

I would ask for supervised contact only. You said he has very bad anger issues? What does that mean. Your daughter is witnessing child abuse and may be in danger from either of them. All that will happen is she will be bullied into lying the next time.

I would be careful about saying anything at collection it might be best to call so they have time to cool down before having her over again

Agree with previous poster, contact social services and then tell your ex he will only be having supervised contact.
Your poor daughter, please don't make her go back there. If you just contact your ex they may pressure your daughter not to tell you in future and the other poor child will continue to suffer from this behaviour.

Before you say anything to them, you'll need to have a chat with your daughter because when they know what she has said, they're going to be very forceful with her that she is not to tell you what happens at their house. They're going to try and silence her.

You need to try and boost up your daughter's confidence in telling you, make sure she knows she did nothing wrong and she really did the right thing, and make sure she knows that they might tell her she was wrong but it's because they're scared about being told off so they're trying to hide and behaviour (just like her nursery friends probably do) but she is to just nod at them and then tell you anything bad that happened because, no matter what, she is not going to be in trouble.

It's going to be difficult to speak to your ex and his partner but just say it as simply as you can, without being judgemental. We're all judging them but they wont listen if they feel like you're looking down on them so try to hold that back.

Tell them what she saw and what she said, and that she is scared to visit because she doeant want to be slapped across the face or grabbed and that's what she now expects to happen so if it continues, you will need to look again at the current arrangement.

It's a horrible situation to be in but if she is slapping her on the way to the car then even your ex cannot have given her consent to act like that.

www.hants.gov.uk/socialcareandhealth/childrenandfamilies/safeguardingchildren/childprotection/punishment

If they call her a liar or it happens again you need to cut contact immediately. She may idolise her dad but you have a greater responsibility to stop this woman assaulting her.

The new GF has assaulted her own child allegedly not OPs child

You need to be careful because kids, even the well-balanced, happy and good communicator ones will sometimes say things out of context or exagerate what has actually happen.

I think you need to talk to your ex and just say 'our girl has says this to me, trying to understand the context, can we discuss'. Don't go there and make accusations without hearing what he's got to say or frightened SS.

Go with your gut feeling after you've spoken to him calmly.

Thank you for all your points! I agree with all of you on many levels.

And I think like a few have said I will be approaching this in way like I'm not judging (even though I am) but like a previous comment said some children get things mixed up etc I will be asking about what happened first as this is what was said to me by our daughter and I have every right to ask and be concerned. And like a few comments also said..I don't want her being pushed into lying or keeping quiet.

Will probably contact him tonight to give it a few days to calm down incase anything does become heated.

Also replying to someone who asked what I meant about anger issues...I meant short temper, far too impatient, and would become quite angry very quickly and felt like a lot of the time I had to tread on egg shells around him incase he became annoyed..but I believe that was a great problem with our relationship not as a father if that makes sense..we separated and shows you can become a better person when out of a bad relationship because we both grew as parents and people and actually negotiate and discuss parenting better now. And he's always been the type that if I've had an issue or a problem we're still friends in that way that I can call him and get some advice etc...so I would like to hope that when I express my concerns about this and why he's allowing this behaviour infront of our daughter that he'll have some kind of explanation and understand my concerns.

This is sad. Sad for the little girl and your daughter.

Why do people move on, introduce new partners and their children too fast and then never spend any 1:1 time with their children?

Are the ex and new partner and her children all living together?

Could you ask your ex to set aside some time just for him and DD each time he sees her?

@MeridianB it is! And yes they are all living together..he moved into her home so in a way I think my daughter does feel like she's been pushed out and goes there feeling a bit like she's having to share him with 3 other children and a new partner..her behaviour has become really bad lately as well, constantly causing a drama/whinging and craving my attention over any little thing and acting very clingy and I think it may be partly why!

They were together for 3 months before they moved in officially and he took my daughter to meet her after seeing her a month and every weekend he would take her to go and see her. It's so wrong.

Praise her for telling you.
Her behaviour is telling you something.
Speak to your ex before the next pick up.
Why does she go every weekend? You never get a weekend with her. Suggest to ex you start alternating weekends a day she goes middle week instead on the other week.
If your dd gets assaulted and tells you you stop her going.

@Embracelife believe me I've had many many arguments about this since we separated but apparently I'm the bad parent and out of order because I'm not being fair..she's starting year R in September so she'll be full time in school..so from them I'm definitely going to say it will have to be every other weekend as I literally will never see her and have any time to do stuff x

You need to book mediation session a s ap to discuss
Might need to get it more formalised

Are you saying that it was Jan 2020 that you split up and he has already moved in with someone new who has three young children ?

Sorry I see you have clarified that ! Blimey - I'm not sure I would be letting my daughter go stay with a woman he barely knows . Do you have to ?