Moving in advice

[Pinkballoon20]

Bf & I are discussing moving in together, he has a son (12) i have a daughter (7)
Plan is to each sell up and buy together. Discussed renting for a while but figured, if were going to do it we need to just be all in or else whats the point.
We will move to his area, so he can be near his son, he has him every other weekend. Also his family is much bigger so just makes sense.
I guess im looking for advice from families that have done this.
Its a much bigger change for us, as its new area, new school, new job for me.
What things should i consider/do now to make the adjustment smoother?
What issues did you face etc?

Thank you :)

Children always say that to keep their parents happy.
And how can she 'love him dearly'?AND the son?
Sorry if I sound negative and gloomy and suspicious .
But the disruption to your daughter's life is going to be massive.
And you hardly know this man and his son.

Well for a 7 year old, in the only way she knows.

No worries thats your opinion.

I get it, when you dont know all the details its hard to understand.

Thanks for your input :-)

You are avoiding my questions. You hardly know this man do you?
Yet you want to uproot your daughter and move her in with him ?
You shouldn't have posted if you didn't want opinions.
Its'easy enough for me to understand don't worry about that.
Do you understand what my concerns are?

Discussed renting for a while but figured, if were going to do it we need to just be all in or else whats the point.

The point of renting first would be to give yourself a way back if a trial doesn’t work out. You can’t afford to be blindly optimistic when there are children involved, sadly. Living together is always different from dating, isn’t it?

Oh no i absolutely understand your questions.

Just seems a bit silly me explaining if i know my bf, as the post wasnt should i do it, more has anyone got any tips if they have done it before.

And things to consider. Meaning different options, how to handle the process, not whether i know him well enough as i said before i wouldnt be considering it if i didnt.

@ArriettyJones 100% no you are right, and its def something we will discuss again, cant rule out any options, it has to make total sense and do it in a less damaging way as poss :-)

So yes in terms of renting, we will explore that option again as some great points were raised

You have known this man less'than two years. He is'is essentially a stranger off the street.
Sorry but I think you should question why he wants you to uproot so quick. I know you didn't ask this. But I am saying it anyway.

The point of renting first would be to give yourself a way back if a trial doesn’t work out. You can’t afford to be blindly optimistic when there are children involved, sadly. Living together is always different from dating, isn’t it?

This. Slow down, rent and put your daughter first. If you're going to be together you're going to be together, there's no need to try and rush the process. You uprooting your daughter and buying a house with someone you've only been seeing for 18 months is irresponsible and to be honest selfish.

@Destroyedpeople No not at all, as you said before, i came on here for opinions so thats what youve given. So thank you, and i will absolutely consider everything before doing anything :-)

@backseatcookers
No its true, also i shouldve said it wouldnt be this year anyway im sort of thinking forward. Also so that if anyone had any tips on what to do before the move i would have enough time etc.
So yes, def not doing right away. At which point it will be over 2 years anyway.

The main thing is considering everyone affected by the move and making sure i do right by everyone :-)

Ultimately only you know how your relationship is but what I would say is:

Don’t sell your house. In fact I would rent your house out for now and then move in with him if possible or you both rent out your houses and then rent a different one together.

FWIW I can understand why he would want to stay close to his DS as he is the one who only gets limited time with him. And reality is that if this was someone whose ex was moving away he would be branded all kinds of bastard for moving away from the kids.

I do agree with PP that moving schools doesn’t need to be that traumatic. My eXH’s DP moved in with him and her DD moved schools and they had a baby within five months of moving in together. I am not privy to what goes on in their relationship, but she appears to have settled well into. The school she originally moved to (has since started secondary,) and five years on they’re all still together. And they’d been together just short of two years when they moved in together but she was already pregnant by then.

Ultimately though you will get all sorts of answers on here. From those who will tell you that it’s fine to those who will tell you that he shouldn’t even have met your daughter yet.... So you have to take what you need from the answers you’re given and work things out with that in mind.

@AlternativePerspective ❤️ honestly this made me really smile.

Thank you so much. Precisely what you said, about if he were to move here how would it make his son feel as well as what ppl would think, which doesnt matter as much its more about not making his son feel left out. Weve already taken that into consideration, in terms of maybe him feeling slightly left out as most of the time it will be me bf and dd so that was a factor.

With my little one being... well little... we also figured less damage etc.

Also what you said about your ex's scenario, exactly everyone is different. And really dont mean for this to come across bad, but that type of scenario (new baby) is what we want to avoid. We have a plan and want to allow a sensible adjustment time for each phase :-)

Really appreciate your feedback so thank you xx

Is your daughter’s dad on the scene? If so how does the move affect your daughter in terms of her relationship with him?

I was dating someone for the last 18 months who I absolutely thought was "the one", turns out he has done quite horrible personality traits that have only just come out, shouting at me and stuff like that, so pleased we hadn't moved in together, I ended it obvs. There is no way you can know this man after 18 months. Also he had a 12 year old son who he saw EOW until he was removed from his mother and came to live with him full time... yeah that changed things quite a bit too

I was dating someone for the last 18 months who I absolutely thought was "the one", turns out he has done quite horrible personality traits that have only just come out, shouting at me and stuff like that, so pleased we hadn't moved in together, I ended it obvs. There is no way you can know this man after 18 months. Also he had a 12 year old son who he saw EOW until he was removed from his mother and came to live with him full time... yeah that changed things quite a bit too

@Notcrackersyet No hes not, which eliminates that problem i guess

@MissSmiley Sounds awful, glad you got out.
Yeah thats true, but i suppose it can happen at anytime. Theres no set time that determines how well you know someone. People can change as well.
And if things do then thats life, id rather do what feels right for us all now than not do something just incase.
Of course hoping it works out x

The two children need to be prioritised here, ask yourself how exactly this benefits your child-having her entire life uprooted, new house, new school, completely different home life, a pretty new boyfriend of her mothers now shoehorned into her home, a pubescent boy. What part of that benefits her? The move would be solely for you and your boyfriends wants. Why not just date him and enjoy the relationship without dragging your kids into it. Be very, very careful around any man who wants to move so fast, and keep a close eye on your daughter.

So you’re taking your daughter away from her home, her school and her friends to move in with a man you’ve been with all of 18 months, so he can stay near his son who doesn’t live with him? This may not be the question you’re asking op, but this is what people are going to focus on, because it’s ridiculous. Where is your dd’s dad? Could she live with him instead of having to move? You keep saying that of course people are going to think it’s daft because we don’t know the full circumstances. I actually think it’s you who doesn’t understand the potentially horrible situation you’re creating for yourself and your daughter

My partner now my DH moved in with my DD and I, his two DC continued with their normal contact, we did this for 2 years before buying together and then getting married. All DC remained at their own schools and we tried to make the change as easy as possible.

I really think if you are moving house/schools/away from family the most sensible way to start is to rent and keep your house for a while. No matter how wonderful it sounds in theory you really do not know how it will work in practice and its so much easier if you haven't bought property together.

Once you do buy together makes sure your deposit is protected legally. You need to ensure your head rules your heart not the other way round.

Its been 15 years for DH and I. All DC are now making their way in the world, they are happy and close to each other. Its worked really well for us.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

So you’re taking your daughter away from her home, her school and her friends to move in with a man you’ve been with all of 18 months, so he can stay near his son who doesn’t live with him? This may not be the question you’re asking op, but this is what people are going to focus on, because it’s ridiculous. Where is your dd’s dad? Could she live with him instead of having to move? You keep saying that of course people are going to think it’s daft because we don’t know the full circumstances. I actually think it’s you who doesn’t understand the potentially horrible situation you’re creating for yourself and your daughter what a load of hysteria. Seriously you’re suggesting that a seven year old be sent to live with her dad rather than move school and leave her friends? Dear God.

While I absolutely did stay here in order for DS to maintain a relationship with his dad, if ex hadn’t lived here then moving schools wouldn’t even have entered onto my radar when I moved.

People encourage parents on here to e.g. move closer to family support, no-one, not one person would suggest a poster wanting to move closer to their family and move their child to a different school would suggest the child be sent to live with the father instead.

While moving in with someone else absolutely does have some potential pitfalls and things which need to be considered, a seven year old having to change schools is not one of them.

She’s seven.

Seriously how do people expect children to grow up with any kind of resilience when even moving schools is seen as this dramatic thing which should be avoided at all costs. Because moving in with her father would be so much easier for her than moving schools. .

Oh and OP has already stated that the father is not in the picture.

I moved into my dh home that he owned as I rented just before we got married.

We did live together in my house first though.

My dd really resented it and that was without moving schools. I wouldnt move into my dh home until we were married because I wanted some protection for me and DD.

Spending lots of time together and living together is not the same.

I'm not going to comment on the time line but before you up root your dd and sell your home I would definitely recommend living together in a rented house as a family. I also wouldnt move her school.

You have no idea how it may work out you can only hope it goes well.

By planning without completely upending both your lives and the kids it gives you more freedom and less likely hood of being trapped if it doesnt.

If it doesnt you will be be in the position of having to sell your joint home and then provide another home for both of your respective children.

Keep your financial security and your options open.

@AlternativePerspective that’s absolutely not what’s happening here though, is it? If she was moving to be closer to her family for support it’s changing the whole scenario. She’s uprooting her child to move in with a new boyfriend. And I just think it’s sad that you care so little for your children that you’d pull them out of school and away from their friends without a seconds thought

Ffs, no child needs ‘resilience’, they need safety and security. A kid needing to be ‘strong’ or ‘resilient’ means that the parents have failed. Dragging a kid along to facilitate your sex life with a new lover (because there’s no other reason for this proposed move) is teaching the kid all sorts of life lessons, and safeguarding failures, but nothing good. ‘She is seven’- yep, good reading comprehension there, the child needs prioritised. Mothers love interest and kid= separate things.

Gosh that went downhill. The OP is trying to build her life not just move for a shag!!
OP - there’s a lot of good advice on here about doing this in a reversible manner. You and your partner can’t really know how you will all settle into blended family life so it’s wise to keep options. There’s been so many posts on this board where conflict has arisen over parenting style or the children don’t live together well. It happens.