Moving in advice

[Pinkballoon20]

Bf & I are discussing moving in together, he has a son (12) i have a daughter (7)
Plan is to each sell up and buy together. Discussed renting for a while but figured, if were going to do it we need to just be all in or else whats the point.
We will move to his area, so he can be near his son, he has him every other weekend. Also his family is much bigger so just makes sense.
I guess im looking for advice from families that have done this.
Its a much bigger change for us, as its new area, new school, new job for me.
What things should i consider/do now to make the adjustment smoother?
What issues did you face etc?

Thank you :)

Household rules.

He is going to be parenting your 7 year old whether you like it or not, so you need to agree on rules for your children.

I wouldn't do it.

Can't you move somewhere in the middle so that your daughter doesn't have to move house?

How long have you been together? You need to be sure. It's a big upheaval for everyone.

House rules - absolutely. Also, make sure everyone can have their own space. I can't stress enough how important this is.

Do you have the same parenting standards and outlook?

Oops - I meant move school!

That’s a huge change for you and your DD. New area, new school, new job. I mean have you trial lived together? With both children in the house with the both of you?

I mean how far apart are you?

Is it not an option to rent out both houses for 6-12 months? And rent a property inbetween? So that your DD stays in her school? You stay in your job? And if it all goes swimmingly, then you can do the bigger move?

Personally I wouldn’t be uprooting my DC or my job until I had lived with someone full time.

This isn’t a game of poker. Both of you rent your house out for at least a year before you sell.

You don’t know if both kids will fight like cat and dog. You don’t know if he can be an arse home with your child. You don’t know if his son gets on your nerves. You don’t know if he is bad with money.

I’ve known two women to leave their LA houses and move in with men and regret it within six months and be stuck in a house having no where to go.

Living with some one else’s kids is really hard. You’d be an idiot to ‘go all in’ at this stage. This is your dd life too.

@excelledyourself haha dont worry i got what you meant :-)

@excelledyourself haha dont worry i got what you meant :-)

@excelledyourself haha dont worry i got what you meant :-)

Oh god sorry my apps gone all weird!

Really good points, thank you. Especially about the option of keeping her in school for a year. I suppose it would make sense for them to just move in mine to trial it out.

Youre right plus its bf and dd living together fulltime, with his son as its not all the time its not that intense.

Alot to think about.

Thank you all :-)

I think much of the advice you get will depend on how long you've been together and how long since your kids have been introduced to each other and each other's kids?

How long have you been together? How much time have the kids spent together? Have you all gone away on holiday and how did it go?

Most importantly, have you discussed disciplining and are you in the same page? This spurs to overall views on how to best bring up kids. Have you discussed and agreed finances?

Approach it carefully but also gain faith in that many games do what you are planning to do and for the vast majority, when it is well thought through, it works very well.

On paper it doesn't look like it makes more sense for you to move at all. If his son is only there EOW then surely it would be much less upheaval for them to move, and it wouldn't impact his school?

Of course I recognise that it's not always as black and white as that - there might be other factors like who is in the right place in their career for a move, which area is nicer and possibly who is just happy to move, but I would be wary of getting railroaded into centering your and your daughter's life around his. On paper it reads like it should be the other way around, if anything.

Honestly I wouldn't do it. Concentrate on keeping your daughter safe and happy.

we need to just be all in or else whats the point.

The point is have you considered what is best for your 7 year old daughter? Everyone else’s needs seem to have been thought about. What about her?

Discussed renting for a while but figured, if were going to do it we need to just be all in or else whats the point

You do not need to be all in at all. Your house that you own is yours and your dds security. Don't just fling it away at the first opportunity.

Kids moving to another school doesn't have to be traumatic. My kids did and even though the first couple of months were hard, it taught them resilience and that they could adapt to new situations. They found it easy to then move on to secondary school and later to new jobs.

Some parents will go a long way to protect their kids against experiencing change and adapting to new situations but sadly do more harm in the long term by doing so.

I know you can never know what is going to happen the future but honestly, so many things matter: how long you have known each other, what you can do to minimise the impact on both children, how compatible your parenting styles are. How do you resolve disagreements when you don't just agree. Do one of you sulk, shout, just expect to get your own way?

It's very easy to focus on the much nicer house you get together and forget about having to negotiate everything

DH were an item for nearly ten years before we moved in together. We thought we knew each other pretty well as we had been staying with each other a lot. We had more arguments that first year than we had had throughout the whole relationship.

Even though we are good now, if there were DC involved I don't think I would do it. To go from full independence to sharing space is just too much.

Thinking about it, why is it up to you to move and disrupt your support networks. Very easy for him to continue as normal. If it doesn't work out, will you feel stuck there with your child settled in school.

Saying might as well go all in, well that's great if it works. If you go all in and it doesn't work out, you may feel that you are trapped. How can you avoid that?

How compatible are you when you disagree? Will one of you just keep quiet for the sake of the peace? How would that work out for your DD?

How can you be sure that your child will not be disadvantaged ?

If you really love each other, you will still be around in ten years.

Yes why should it be you and your daughter that uproot? How well do you even know him? And his son.

Kids moving to another school doesn't have to be traumatic.

Did you also move house? And move in with a man who is not your children’s father?

If it were a long standing relationship, I'm guessing that OP would have said so by now

That's exactly what I thought @FinallyHere

I was with my husband for over 5 years before we got married and moved everyone in together. And even then it took very careful thought. No one had to move schools, and we were still near the 'other parents.' Even now I sometimes miss my independence and the house being all mine. Given my time again I'm not sure I would have made the same choice - even though we are happy together, blending families is not without significant challenges.

Honestly you might think I sound mad or paranoid but how well do you know these two men? Ok dad and 12 year old.
How do you really know them?
Put your daughter first.
I don't think many 7 year old would respond that well to a house move , a school move, a new'area.a new father figure, a step brother, and a new extended step family. .
And that's the best case scenario.

Its been a year and a half but alot of weekend sleepovers etc loads of mixing kids, weve talked money discipline etc.
Relationship wise we are happy and serious, we know what we want. I of course wouldnt even consider it if we werent.
Yes of course if i could do it without disrupting dd then great, but that isnt realistic. We have spoken about it and she is happy with the idea, so i have not not considered her, she was number 1.
But i can understand how ppl can assume that having only a brief summary.
It was more the practicality side of it, from ppl having done it, tips etc.
Also planning on giving her the biggest room as its a big change and its her home rather than weekend home.
Yes its major but we only get one life, happiness is important. Dd loves them both dearly and vice versa.

Also - the area im in now i dont want her to grow up in, as lovely as her school is. So a move was on the cards regardless.

The way i would view it would be if we move there, and things do not work out. We will still stay there, yes its to be with him but its also a fresh start. I wouldnt just simply move back if we broke up.

Security wise, weve covered that, should the worst happen we will divide the property according to what we put in etc.

Not taking it light hearted at all.

Scary in a good way :-)