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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

So cross

15 replies

peonyfairy03 · 05/07/2020 23:40

DH has not seen his DD except for going to her home to stand on doorstep 2 meters apart since the start of lockdown because her mum didn’t want the risk of getting Covid. DH is keyworker (not NHS) I’ve also been going to work all through lockdown as in education. Friday DD mum calls to say she can come for the day now which is great. When he went to pick her up DM had a male friend over and apparently he’s been staying the night also not a partner just a friend who we don’t know where he’s been, her DM has been staying over also.

I’m so cross that she has refused for DH to see his DD during lockdown due to risk. She’s had two different people stay at her house and then having DSD today has put us all at risk. But it seems DSD DM can do what’s she wants and DH won’t Say anything to her incase it rocks the boat.

I’m probably getting my knickers in a twist ect but I feel DH has been cheated out of seeing his DSD for 4 months but she’s done what she likes. My own DC have had very limited contact with people because we wanted to make sure when DSD could come the risk was minimal from us as DSD DM likes to accuse us as to anything she can.

Rant over sorry.

OP posts:

Mrskeats · 05/07/2020 23:46

That's pretty awful.

Original poster

peonyfairy03 · 05/07/2020 23:57

I know and DH just seems to defend her. She is an awful person tbh and has accused me of some awful things in the past.

OP posts:

theproblemwitheyes · 06/07/2020 00:06

She's not going away, and tbh your husband is right to try and keep her sweet, or he risks losing his daughter or having her alienated. So you just have to decide if you can live with it. If not, don't.

DocusDiplo · 06/07/2020 00:08

She sounds like a prick.

SandyY2K · 06/07/2020 00:44

I always think that ppl determine who they can treat so unfairly in life and the lack of consequences or action that go with it.

She knows your DH won't do anything so she gets away with behaving like this, which is pretty awful of her.

Anordinarymum · 06/07/2020 02:03

Peonyfairy you are never going to win in a situation like this so don't let it worry you.
You will instantly feel calmer if you detach and your husband will probably feel grateful also.

Let her get on with it. Her child will listen to everything that is said and that is not very nice for her particularly given that she has some sort of relationship with you.
Good luck !

dontdisturbmenow · 06/07/2020 07:29

How do you know all this? Maybe they were in a bubble together. Maybe the other person doesn't go anywhere or meets anyone so much safer.

You would have got it all from you dsd I assume. You always have to take what they say with a pinch of salt. I've learned that kids do exagerate or confuse their stories, not maliciously, more often because they don't have it understand the whole facts.

Getting outrage without knowing the whole facts is how conflicts erupts. If your oh is ok, there's no need to get him fired up. Life moves on and if if can be peacefully so, all the better.

NorthernSpirit · 06/07/2020 08:20

All you can do is detach.

We had something similar (although did see the DSC during lockdown).

Mum had her boyfriend staying over throughout (they don’t live together) and her & the kids were going to his parents house for dinner (meeting him there - him also a visitor).

As RP it seems the guidance doesn’t apply to you and you can do whatever you want.

I’ve come to realise in my case you can not deal with an unreasonable person who believes they are right all the time and doesn’t care about the danger they are putting the children in.

Original poster

peonyfairy03 · 06/07/2020 09:03

Thank you everyone for your replies. You are right that I need to detach. It just made me cross as she put restrictions on us but seemed to do what she wanted

OP posts:

Sunnydayshereatlast · 06/07/2020 09:05

Well from now on dh needs to stop dancing to her tune. What you haven't spent on dsd this past 4 months use to seek legal advice about proper arrangements...
Or this is your life op.

Mum2Girls19 · 06/07/2020 13:31

Im sorry but how do you know they werent in a bubble for the whole of lock down?
Having a child at home for like 4 months isnt a picnic, im sure if she thought it was safe enough you would of had the child?
Maybe you should offer her some praise rather than having a go at her trying to live her life, im sure if the boot was on the other foot and you had had the child none stop for 4 months this would be another complaining post.
Birth Mothers cant win I think sometimes, damned if you do and damned if you dont

Whatnametomorrow10 · 06/07/2020 13:41

@Mum2Girls19

Im sorry but how do you know they werent in a bubble for the whole of lock down? Having a child at home for like 4 months isnt a picnic, im sure if she thought it was safe enough you would of had the child? Maybe you should offer her some praise rather than having a go at her trying to live her life, im sure if the boot was on the other foot and you had had the child none stop for 4 months this would be another complaining post. Birth Mothers cant win I think sometimes, damned if you do and damned if you dont

Just a thought surely the Dad should have been thought of as in the bubble - someone who can support with childcare/homeschooling? rather than a male friend which childcare isn’t his responsibility? I agree 4 months single parenting will must be bloomin hard you would think for the mental health & continuing relationship between daughter & Dad that could have been the avenue of support? Only a thought! Especially if like the sound of it the NRP was putting steps in place to protect them to ensure the daughter when she was allowed could safely visit?

Original poster

peonyfairy03 · 06/07/2020 15:54

I’m not having a go at the birth mother however she made the decision that DH couldn’t have his daughter because he goes out to work he is an electrical engineer working by himself 99% of time. and I do this didn’t change during lockdown and I also have two DC who live with us that adhered to lockdown rules also.She said the risk was to high. She was happy for him to visit the door step and stay two meters apart but not for DSD to visit us. Giving the reason it isn’t safe. When he went to pick up yesterday said male friend was there he spoke to DH and said that he had been working through lockdown also he is in a good factory. I was just cross that she has kept DH from his DD but was quite happy to have male friend stay over also her mother going backwards and forwards from her home. She wouldn’t allow DSD to sleep said it was to unsafe and also not to go in same car as me and my DC yesterday as that was to close proximity if we went out. I just feel she had a bit of double standards and. We have offered to have DSD to give her a break ect during lockdown even for DH to take DSD for a walk or an afternoon outside and she refused every time.

I felt yesterday that by letting her friend stay over the whole weekend she put us all at risk her bubble was originally her mother. We haven’t been in a bubble with anyone as we have been waiting to have DSD. I’m not being the evil stepmother or anything I was just frustrated at the mother of DSD as it felt very double standards. She has dictated that DSD can not come again. However she had text DH this morning to indicate he needs to pay her more maintenance as he hasn’t had DSD for his allocated time overnight. He already pays twice what CMS suggested and all her extra activities and clothes and shoes.
Please before anyone says its about the money it isn’t because he agreed. I just wanted somewhere to vent my frustration.

OP posts:

Cherryrainbow · 06/07/2020 17:13

I can understand your frustration, I think a lot of co-parents have had to have difficult chats and work out what's best for them and to be fair the government guidance has been vague at best. I can only imagine how it is for key workers too.
First thing me and my ex did was look to see what we could find about co parenting and found children were still able to go between houses so we kept up our 50 50 arrangement throughout.
My boyfriend had a few weeks where he couldn't see his son at weekends due to the mothers household having some illnesses before he could get back to normal routine as well.
I would be miffed if it seemed like one rule for one household and one rule for another. I hope your partner has his ex generally get on ok, no other problems with visitation apart from corona lockdown x

HeckyPeck · 08/07/2020 22:46

That does sound very annoying.

As long as he rolls over and never rocks the boat she’ll continue to take the piss.

I hope you have separate finances and his extra maintenance etc comes out of his money not family money at least.

I think you just have to remind yourself this is what he is choosing and if he complains that he can’t see her or just say something like “I know it’s a shame you don’t want to rock the boat otherwise you could do something about it.” Then change the subject. Try not to give it headspace OP, which is definitely easier said than done but worth persevering!

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