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Step-parenting

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How to deal with seemingly never ending bullshit

8 replies

MumandnotMum · 01/07/2020 00:59

Absolutely sick to death of the mood swings of DH’s ex.

She is, without a doubt the most difficult person I’ve ever met. I need to learn to turn off because I’m going to make myself ill. But by the time I’ve managed to wrap myself around just ignoring her shite, she’s back to wanting to be on good terms and I think it’s better for the kids to see everyone getting on.

She wants DSC to stay here as she’s got no car, she wants them to continue 50/50 and accuses DH of trying to keep them away from her. She wants eldest to stay here permanently because they fell out, then she doesn’t. She phones DH and complains about eldest and his behaviour, she doesn’t know how to cope with him, he’s such a brat etc, but then encourages him to keep things from his Dad and tell weird pointless lies.

Their home here is totally secure, there’s no second guessing how things are going to be because it’s just normal. But she is like a bloody emotional rollercoaster all the time at her house. But the children seem to love it. She’s telling DH how she can’t be around such and such person because they’re dangerous and when she inevitably takes the kids around them and he asks what’s she’s playing at, she calls him controlling and makes out like she never said anything of the sort! Kids are sleeping on mattresses on the floor because she chucked their beds out (6+ months ago).

I know this isn’t exactly the norm and it’s not a ‘standard’ thing. And I know that they’re probably craving that love from her because she’s so unpredictable - She clearly has issues, but my bloody head hurts!

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 01/07/2020 09:51

If I were you I would leave your husband to deal with it and stay out of it - she's not your problem. I would also try and insist that there is some routine for when the kids are with you and only allow her to swap things round if there is a valid reason. This is the only way to have stability for everyone and you can't continue to allow her to interfere in your lives like this. That might be easier said than done but the longer you allow her to mess you around, the longer she will do it.

COS2102 · 01/07/2020 11:20

I felt like you were writing out my story here but the only difference is there is one child involved here and more than one with you. How old are your step-children?

MumandnotMum · 01/07/2020 11:58

Eldest is 14, then 10, 9 and youngest is 6.

I definitely need to stay out of it but I keep getting dragged down with the nonsense, she phones me crying and I’m a soft touch. I’ve literally hugged her whilst she’s had a breakdown, can’t cope with the kids and then she literally runs me down to them afterwards when she’s having a bad day. I’m sick of it.
Can’t win, if we say no, she says she got to beg their Dad to have them. She wouldn’t return the favour though!

OP posts:
COS2102 · 01/07/2020 15:16

Ah wow, I'm surprised that kids are still loving it at such ages. Our little boy is 8 and he's already fed up of the instability at his other home. It really does get tiring trying to be positive for the kids but they'll thank you for it as adults. That's what we always get told anyway!

Sunnydayshereatlast · 01/07/2020 15:18

Block her. Let dh deal with her.
Put yourself before her...
You need to get tough op!!

safeordangerous · 01/07/2020 16:03

OP. You could easily be describing my ex wife. Does she tell her kids your partner doesnt want to seen them?

There's no end to it unless you adopt I think its called the grey rock method and ignore / show no emotion in your interactions. Although its nigh on impossible not to react now and again.

MumandnotMum · 01/07/2020 16:11

She can’t really because we have them ALL THE TIME. It’s supposed to be 50/50 but when she can’t pay for petrol or she’s got a night out she gives up her weekend. We’ve always taken it because they’re such lovely people when they’re at home with us but they were to her for a week and they’ve come back like absolute lunatics. The youngest has been outside peeing in the garden Sad

Eldest was just saying she can’t be bothered arguing with the little one so she just leaves him to it so he doesn’t scream at her.

When we suggest making it a more permanent thing after she was literally seeing them 4 days a month, she went nuts and said DH was trying to keep them from her and she wanted it back to normal so 50/50. So we’re going with that for now.

OP posts:
BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup · 01/07/2020 17:35

You need to block her. She isn't your friend. Your DP should be the only one talking and communicating with her. He also needs to not respond when she is trying to start an argument.

In regards to the younger kids your DP needs to make an arrangement with her and stick to it. If she wants him to have the kids randomly he needs to refuse. (Been there done it and DP's ex has found to her cost, her poor behaviour means DP is now not flexible.)

Tell the 14 he needs to make it clear to both his parents where he is staying when as much in advance as possible.

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