Advice: Grown up step children

[AlfieGeorge40]

Hi everyone :-) I'm new to this and don't quite understand all of the acronyms so excuse me.

I have been married to my husband for 10 years (together 14), we wasn't together very long when his 2 then teenage children wanted to live with us. This was their choice completely and because 1. it made my husband happy and 2. I would never have asked him to choose me over them, agreed to this 13 years ago. My stepson is 30 now and step daughter just turned 28. the step daughter still lives at home with us.

We've had our ups and downs as all families do but whatever happens, his kids can never see any wrong in their mother, even though she didn't want them living with her...….. just wanted the niceties whilst we had all of the teenage/early 20's issues. We took them on holidays every year, went above and beyond helping with education and jobs, have helped them financially when they have needed it because we are able to do so but there is just no recognition of this. I know these are things a father should do, and i know that getting into a relationship with someone who had kids was my choice, but i don't think they realise how hard ive tried to make everything work.

There are 2 things that have just tipped me over the edge this past week ;-( his son is separating from his girlfriend and when my husband tried to talk to him to give reassurance that he will be ok, everything happens for a reason etc etc he totally doesn't want to hear it. He then said to me "you cant just throw a bit of cash at everything, I sometimes need compassion"! My husband is not the most 'gushy' of people but he's far from a cold parent, this comment not only infuriated me but genuinely upset me as i know how much he loves his kids. And to top it off today, his daughter has been out and bought steak etc and a birthday cake to cook a meal for her mums boyfriend (of one year'ish). This is a nice gesture but has never ever done anything at all like that for me. I don't and never have even received a box of chocs or flowers for mothers day even though its me who's cooked, cleaned, washed their clothes, helped with school work, yet their mum gets cards saying thanks for all you do!!! arrrgggghhh

I don't know whether lockdowns making me more sensitive, the fact she has done not one thing to help, not even hoover up whilst im trying to educate my eight year old whilst working a full time stressful nhs job.

Sorry for the waffle on..... think I just needed to get it off my chest!!!! my question I suppose is what did we get so wrong? I've told myself over the years "they'll understand when they get older" but it just never comes :-(

Any advice would be much appreciated

They should be living on their own at those ages however to expect a mother's day card/ present is unreasonable. I have never given my step father a card and he is been in my life for over 30 years and yes I do love him, he lives in a house I own ( "for free) but he is not my father. There may be problems but focusing on mother's day gifts is not fair. It sounds like the girl just wants her mum to notice and love her but she is getting a bit old for her behaviour

I understand where you are coming from. i probably sound a tad needy but just think its the stress lately. I don't actually want a mothers day card, i absolutely agree, think it would make me feel uncomfortable tbh! i love my mum so much no one could ever replace her and i have never tried or wanted to replace their mum, would have just been nice to also get a "thanks for all you do" aswell

Yep the behaviour is not right for their ages

If their mother has not looked after them, it’s likely they are damaged individuals. That damage is permanent. It seems as though your dsd is still trying to get her mother to love her.

I have never thought of it that way ekidmxcl . Actually makes me feel sad she would need to do that :-(

EKid is probably spot on. Presumably they came to live with you because their relationship with their mum wasn't very good. Making her bf feel special is an easy way to get her mum's approval. It's hard to break away from the longing that your mum loves you however unhealthy the relationship with mum is.

At 28 she should move out.
I understand why you would feel unappreciated and slightly hurt if your SD is going out of her way for mothers boyfriend from the comfort of your home.

Why don't you tell her to do chores and contribute to the house if her doing nothing annoys you? Or better yet ask her when is she moving out.

his kids can never see any wrong in their mother, even though she didn't want them living with her

his 2 then teenage children wanted to live with us. This was their choice completely

Did mum not want them or did they choose to live with you? There is quite a contrast between the above two statements.

And why do they need to ‘see wrong’ in their mum? Would it make you feel good if they slagged her off all the time? If their relationship with their mum is generally good, I fail to see what the issue is. Why look for problems?

Kids are pretty ungrateful

To be honest I think they are pretty ungrateful - I always get my stepdad a Father’s Day card as he has contributed and helped me over the years.

They should be out on their own at that age anyways - I wouldn’t get too involved in future if this is the response you get.

The fact that you have an adult living under your roof who does nothing around the house would frustrate me massively. It sounds like she has an easy life and no reason to stand on her own two feet. I would find this very difficult. I can understand why you feel unappreciated.

Set some ground rules and stop making her life so easy!

They are behaving disrespectfully because they are being allowed to. 28 is a ridiculous age to be still living at home & not contributing anything to the household.
I understand both of these ADULTS will have been affected by their relationship with their dm but as ADULTS we should all reach a point in our lives whereby we stop blaming our parents for everything, accept certain things & work on healing those hurt bits of ourselves. Your sdc are being allowed to existed in a state of arrested development which is doing them no good at all.

Your sds needs to move out & start living her life for herself, or at least start contributing to the house in which she's living.

They aren’t kids any longer, they know what’s right and what’s wrong.
I wouldn’t do anything for them and pull them up very single time.
Your SD should be moving out.
Your DH should ask his daughter why she doesn’t show you the same consideration she’s showing mums boyfriend.

I really don't want them to slag their mum off at all, that's not the point. its the fact she gets recognition for nothing and we get made to feel like the big bad wolves for doing everything for them. I'll be here all day if I went in to all the reasons why their mum didn't want them to live with her but it was never said to them, it was more she made it that uncomfortable for them they decided to live with us.

Thank you for all your comments and advice, its helped me see things from a different perspective, to think a 28 year old is doing things to make her mum love her has been something ive never considered before.

You are all right in what you say about us making it easy for her to live the life shes living, were too soft!!!! ive discussed the issues with my husband and now the lockdown is easing a little, we have told her that she needs to spend all weekends at her mums from now on until she finds her own place. Hopefully that will ease the frustrations a little, and mean I can spend quality time with our little boy without the horrible atmosphere.

Thanks again :-)

This sounds very familiar.

My adult step kids mum opted out of looking after one of her kids on a day to day level and the others in lots of ways. Even the ones who "lived with her" came to us for practical, financial and emotional support. Ex wife could choose to opt out of the drudgery of parenting knowing that we would have to pick it up.

I did the right thing, but when I hear the step kids banging on about how great their Mum is, it really grates because I know (as do they) how little she has done for them.

They desperately want her love. I can see that but there are days when it hurts and frustrates me.

suppose we can sleep well theredhen1 knowing we did right by them...……… not that you get any thanks for it!

This shows how disappointed we in society are wgen a mum is below par and the expectations we have of mums.

There are so many useless dads around, but we've come to accept that. When a mum is useless and doesn't have her kids live with her, as in this case, it just seems so much worse, because its not the norm.

Even the way you described what he/you do...that's all parenting. A mum wouldn't be praised for doing that...but it's the society we live in.

I see 50 year old women trying to get their mums attention and trying to be good, even when that mum didn't believe that stepdad was abusing them...yet they still crave what they never had....it's very sad.

It wouldn't harm them to show appreciation to you.

You mentioned what your SS said to his dad and what I would say is that he probably has felt a lack of emotional support. A lot of men (not all) are not always great at emotional support. He didn't get it from him mum either and those are the two people he wanted it from.

I'll never forget attending a wedding and the groom thanked his mum for dropping him to cubs, scouts...football, support with a whole host of things and then...he thanked his dad for paying the mortgage .

A child that doesn't have an attachment to their mum, is usually affected in one way or another for their whole life.

As much as you did for them, you aren't their mum and that probably hurts them deep inside.

I also think your DH could have suggested and guided them getting you a little something for mother's day, as you did do muchfor them..there are cards to stepmum on mother's day in the shops.

Is you SD close to your 8 year old ? Its such a big age gap, it probably isn't your typical sibling relationship as she's old enough to be their parent.

Agree with everything you say SandyY2K, it always seems worse when a woman doesn't have the kids, tbf she isn't a horrible mother by no means, but not as great as shes made out to be! I think as i've gotten older and had a child of my own its kind of made it feel worse, I just cannot imagine ever ever in a million years giving up my boy, I just cant seem to comprehend the situation we found ourselves in. DH couldn't have been a better dad and all the things you mention about the wedding speech, he did the mum and dad part, granted he doesn't always show much emotion...….. maybe that's were we went wrong in all of this :-(

my husband could have guided them you are right, but ive never asked or mentioned it to him, just a quiet reflection on my part.

Yes she is close to my son, they both are. We have always gone the extra mile when I had him to make sure they didn't feel left out in anyway, I even banned the use of the words "half brother" since he was born. I know they are but we have always lived as a family, no half anything :-)

This sounds like a similar situation to ours in terms of dss seeing no wrong in his dm. His dm dragged him through a lot of bad situations when he was younger, and often put her own needs before his, whilst dh and I have always provided stability and consistency. Yet through his teenage years it is us that he has lashed out at, and dh that he has criticised as a parent. It is hurtful, and infuriating, and makes you feel like giving up at times.

But what I put it down to, is that perhaps it is easier to lash out at the stable, solid parent? Perhaps it is too painful to admit upsetting truths about the other parent you love unconditionally and who you want to feel is a good parent despite knowing deep down that they are not the best?

In life generally, the people who tend to get walked all over are those who continually give the most. Whilst often, people clamour for the attention and approval of those who are more aloof.

Wow. 28 and living with you. That would do my head in! She's more than old enough to be living on her own.

I think that the reason for them treating you in a way you find ungrateful is because you are their primary support and family unit. People often lash out at those they are closest too and most comfortable with.

They probably idolise their mother because they barely know her. Or the shit she has put them through.

As hard as it is try to take it as a compliment.

Oh god I know this is mumsnet where everyone had moved out and bought their own home by the age of 12, but 28 really ISN'T a ridiculous age to be living at home, but in this day and age! She sounds like she's needs support as does your dss. I think is probably snap if I was going through a break up and my dad told me everything happens for a reason
Your dsd is being told she has to leave every weekend to go to get mum's, and she isn't particularly wanted there either. I know we're not taking about a child but I think that's still quite hurtful.

It is shit you don't get any recognition for what you do but she's probably got more motivation to try and impress her boyfriend's mum!