How to deal with DMs nasty comments.

[ReginaaPhalange]

Hi all. Over the last 7 years, I've had the constant "my mum says this about you" comments from my DSD. Don't get me wrong, some things are not meant to be nasty, but my DSD takes it that way, but lately the comments about me are becoming more personal. Comments such as "my mum says you're getting fat and uglier" and "my mum says you will never have children and that makes her happy". DM knows I have PCOS as I ended up telling her after she kept asking when me and DH were having kids.

I have done my best to ignore it over the years but it's just getting more and more personal against me and DH. Today was a belter... "my mum says happy endings don't exist and you and my dad will split up, but I promise (my name), I'll never ever forget you if you ever leave). And also "my mum and gran said my dad is a bad man for getting married to you". (LSS, I met my DH when DSD was 4.... he had been single for 3 years).

I've always been polite to DM, I have never retaliated to my DSD when she tells me things, but it's chipping away at me. I always try stay calm and say to DSD "oh well, as long as you are happy then that's all that matters". What her mum does in her spare time is absolutely none of my business, but anything I do is criticised like no other!

I don't know what to do apart from keep trying to ignore it and hope it doesn't chip me away any more, but I needed to get this off my chest! DH always says "just ignore it babe" but it's hard!!!

@ReginaaPhalange I apologise that the way I worded my post upset you. Just to clarify I wasn't saying your DH is an arsehole in general, but in regard to this particular issue he does not have your back. It is simply not good enough to tell you during a sustained campaign of insults that would clearly upset any person with normal boundaries that you need to shrug them off, and for him to gaslight you into believing you're being oversensitive does not bode well. You're justifiably upset - you've told him so - he needs to sort it.

I wasn't agreeing that your DH was an arsehole, but I disagree that you need to grow a thicker skin and I think your DSD should be encouraged to be sensitive to it being hurtful to pass these insults on to you, specifically. Absolutely appropriate for her to talk to her dad or others about it, but this is a life skill she needs to learn.

I would read the book "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk"

Thank goodness your DSD has you both to talk to! I would ask her "why do you think your Mum said that/thinks that"? You could also say things like "It's sad your DM doesn't seem to be happy?"

I think your DSD is trying to make sense of why her DM that she loves is being nasty about you and her Dad. She is trying to make sense of confusing and conflicting emotions.