How to deal with DMs nasty comments.

[ReginaaPhalange]

Hi all. Over the last 7 years, I've had the constant "my mum says this about you" comments from my DSD. Don't get me wrong, some things are not meant to be nasty, but my DSD takes it that way, but lately the comments about me are becoming more personal. Comments such as "my mum says you're getting fat and uglier" and "my mum says you will never have children and that makes her happy". DM knows I have PCOS as I ended up telling her after she kept asking when me and DH were having kids.

I have done my best to ignore it over the years but it's just getting more and more personal against me and DH. Today was a belter... "my mum says happy endings don't exist and you and my dad will split up, but I promise (my name), I'll never ever forget you if you ever leave). And also "my mum and gran said my dad is a bad man for getting married to you". (LSS, I met my DH when DSD was 4.... he had been single for 3 years).

I've always been polite to DM, I have never retaliated to my DSD when she tells me things, but it's chipping away at me. I always try stay calm and say to DSD "oh well, as long as you are happy then that's all that matters". What her mum does in her spare time is absolutely none of my business, but anything I do is criticised like no other!

I don't know what to do apart from keep trying to ignore it and hope it doesn't chip me away any more, but I needed to get this off my chest! DH always says "just ignore it babe" but it's hard!!!

Thst is pretty nasty. How old is DSD? If she's not tiny then perhaps her dad could have a word with her about repeating unkind comments.

It sounds like her mum is jealous of your relationship and is making a bit of a fool herself as your DH has moved on when she clearly hasn't.

@KylieKoKo I don't want to give too much away in case it makes me identifiable, but DSD is in the double figures, but not a teenage.

She tells me herself that she asks her mum to stop saying nasty things as it's not nice but DM laughs.

I know to take some things she says with a pinch of salt, but the language my DSD is using, you can tell it's true. I can also tell when DSD is bending the truth which she has done some times, but she's never done it with what she says is being said by her DM or DG.

DH has tried to speak to DM previously but she just denies it and says she'd never say anything like that..

@KylieKoKo we've both also said to DSD to just ignore it, but she says it makes her really 'stressed out' when she keeps it all in :(

If it's making her stressed out then she knows her M is wrong. Let her talk about it.

@Redshoeblueshoe we (DH and I), always let her talk about it if she brings it up. It's not right for her to stress about it. It's horrible seeing her get herself stressed out.

It's hard putting the face on to let her think it doesn't bother me, but deep down I just want to phone her up and ask her what the hell the problem is and to shut up and open her eyes to see she's upsetting her DD! But I don't want any hassle, nor do I want hassle for my SDS

DSD not SDS

I think your DH should be stepping up and baring the brunt of this. Could you encourage DSD to talk to him about this rather than you? That way she gets it off her chest and you don't need to hear it.

That’s so not fair on the child. She has no idea what she’s saying.

I hope I didn't offend you. You are coming across as lovely, and exactly what she needs. My situation was different, but similar. My XH was causing all the grief. At the time my dcs were young teens, and I was talking to a young woman at work, she was about 19/20. She said one day your kids will see straight through this. I remembered this, and she was right. My kids saw him for what he is. A bully. Good luck. I have to go to bed now, but I'll check back in tomorrow

Tbh I think your DH needs to tell her (kindly) to talk to him about it, not you. I can understand it making her stressed and I think the things the other side of the family are saying to her are awful and are potentially teaching her many awful ways of thinking, but she also needs to learn that it is very cruel to come out with those things to the person they are targeted towards. If she already understands they are unkind she should be able to understand not passing that hurt on to you, the subject.

@TheFoz I completely agree! It's so unfair for DSD! We have tried in the past to tell DM that it's causing stress but she completely denies it, then DSD comes back and says she got into trouble for telling us things and not to tell us anymore.

It's just a constant cycle for us and I fear it will get worse when we have a baby (we are TTC). Not long after we got married, DSD was sat with me, my DH and my MIL and she said "my mum says when you and my dad have a baby, you won't love me anymore or want to see me again". I actually broke down and held that poor child for ages and reassured her that that will never ever be the case. I'm scared this will all resurface again.

@Redshoeblueshoe the only saving grace here is that DSD is at the age where she knows what her DM and DG are saying is wrong. She said to me tonight "I'm so happy to be here". I absolutely love my DSD to bits, I'm very protective of her as she's very naive, but don't get me wrong, we have our moments with the tantrums. I just want her to see me as someone she can always come to for advice etc.

As previously suggested earlier by @KylieKoKo I might get my DH to speak with her, but she always wants to come to me to talk to me about it these days.

You are absolutely doing the right things. Just be aware that her allegiance will always be to her mum, until such time as she figures it out for herself.
And remember, it’s not DSD saying these things it’s her mums jealousy. Good luck with ttc. It’s a difficult road enough without additional stress.

OP get her a woe try book where she can write her thoughts and feelings down so she release them without hurting you or get into trouble with her mum.

Say if she wants you to read it she can pop it under your pillow for later

What do you think would happen if you gently said to DSD. And what do you think? When she quotes something mean? And then have a conversation about how its good to listen to everyones opinions, but then you need to make up your own mind. In order to make up your own mind you have to think critically about why people might have the opinions that they do. Etc etc

You could also suggest that she starts a journal, sometimes writing things down is a good way to process it.

I would also be sending her back to her mums with a hankie or Pretty shell or something small she can keep in her pocket that is a token of how much you love her, unconditionally

She sounds very similar to the mum of my DSD. When DH and I got together her mum told her that DH doesnt love her anymore. It was heartbreaking. By the time DSD was 14 she left and came o live with us.

Are you sure that her mum is saying those things? Could it be that DSD is finding growing up tricky and reporting that her mum said things when really she’s expressing her own fears?

We have this in our home. Son is younger than your SD, he's 8, but often comes home saying that his other parent has been saying unkind things about his step parent. Like your SD, he is aware that what is being said is wrong and will say how annoyed and upset he will feel when it happens. I don't really have advice but I think sometimes it helps to hear from people in a similar position. I do think other posters are right in that these children are going to grow up with this awareness that one household didnt speak badly of the other and the other often said things that made them feel rubbish. 'Kids always know where their bread is buttered' is the phrase my family always use.

I wouldn't do anything to discourage your DSD from saying what is on her mind. These things are on her mind as she knows they are unkind and it upsets her to hear them. She is at a really delicate age emotionally. Let your home be the place where she can speak freely with no judgement. Don't say anything to her mother as you know that she will say something to DSD and that will reduce her feeling of your home being her safe space.

She will see her mother for what she is, in these next few years, and be all the more grateful for the relationship she has with you and DH plus you are showing her how to behave as an adult - it highlights how bad her mother's behaviour is, when you and DH behave so differently.

Thanks for all the replies.

I won't discourage DSD from discussing these with us, for me, it's a sign that she is comfortable with me and trusts me and I would never want her to think otherwise.

She does write them down at times and while I reply with a positive attitude to DSD, when she's away or up sleeping I usually get really upset with my DH.

The relationship between DH and DM is strained. We Lee it civil and only there to discuss DSD, but she's always trying to brag to us about whatever is going on in her life then. We just smile, nod along then start taking about DSD before she turns the conversation back to being about her. We have raised on numerous occasions our concerns to her about what's being said, but she just denies it, laughs or says "To be honest, that is something I probably did say". When she's been told that it's not right to say that, she just laughs or rolls her eyes and says sarcastically "okay then..!!".

DH said last night that I am very sensitive and I need to grow a thicker skin and ignore it - and he's right!

I've been through this and out the other side, DSC are adults now and as COS2102 said they know where their bread is buttered Their relationship with DH (and me) is solid as a rock whereas they have little to do with their DM, they see straight through her as adults.

Figuring out how you deal with hearing it is going to be personal to you but I just thought it might help to know things will likely come good in the end. What my DSC remember most is that we were there, whatever shit their DM was throwing at us we were always there and that stability is what they needed. I'm a nan now, technically step-nan but you certainly wouldn't know it and I couldn't love DGC more, it feels like being his nan is my reward for putting up with all the trouble the ex caused and it was worth every second

DH said last night that I am very sensitive and I need to grow a thicker skin and ignore it

He's underestimating how destructive it is when it's an unrelenting drip drip drip of insults combined with the frustration at not being able to stand up for yourself without risking massive consequences such as withheld contact etc.

Sorry but your DH is being an arsehole here. I wouldn't be ttc with a man who clearly didnlt have my back.

Why don't you criticise or insult him every single time you hear an insult against you from DM, but he has to shrug it off - no retorts or sulking or whatever only half joking

I agree with the poster above. Your DH needs to manage this. Your feelings matter as much as anyone else's.

I agree with the above two posters whole heartedly.

I disagree. My DH is far from an arsehole and clearly has my back! He's defended me constantly but we BOTH know it falls upon deaf ears and we now just ignore it as not to raise to the bait.

Regarding the TTC comment with him - that was a very low blow and I will not entertain that stupid debate!

Anyway..... I know myself I am over sensitive! I always have been and I will work in growing that thicker skin which I need for all aspects of my life.

I too agree with @MyCatHatesEverybody. The dm is essentially bullying you through her dd & why on earth you should be expected to tolerate that is beyond me! You deserve as much respect as anyone else & why should your mental heath suffer because his ex is an ass?
I agree your dd needs somewhere to vent - but that does not & should not need to be at you. Your dp absolutely should have your back & he should be talking to his dd in an age appropriate way & telling her to keep him informed of what's being said & how she (dd) is feeling about things, but to leave you out of it because it's hurtful.
I cannot stand when people throw out "you're too sensitive & need to get a thicker skin" - that is canceling at it's worst & only fuels bullying culture.
Your dp needs a good talking to imo.