Why is my stepdad so arrogant?

[Kyle19]

I try to get on with my stepdad the best I can but sometimes I unintentionally piss him off, doing things that I don't think there is anything wrong with (I think my mum thinks it's ok, she just feels like she can't defend me in front of him).

Since September I had been studying for a Maths exam which I would have taken in March but for obvious reasons I can't. So my stepdad assumed that I will be assessed based on homework, which I went along with. He was just always shouting and yelling at me for not doing enough, saying that I won't pass as I'm hopeless at half the work involved and I'm doing anything to change it. My maths teacher emailed me yesterday to say that any work submitted since March won't be assessed, and we are being assessed based on class work and participation and that she thinks I have done enough to pass. When I told my stepdad this, it didn't really seem like it came as a surprise to him, so I kind of get the feeling he already knew and was making me do the work for no particular reason. Not really sure what to do as if I speak to him about it I'll be stuck with him for a 5 hour long lecture and if I speak to my mum she'll just defend him. He also thinks I drink way too much alcohol for an 18 year old, and he gets annoyed whenever I come home from the shop with some beer/cider (I'm male). He however drinks twice as much as I do. It's the small things that annoy me about him, I use the coffee machine sometimes and he gets annoyed whenever I leave the stuff inside it, but every time I use it after him, he has done the same thing (and that's just an example). Whenever he's giving me a lecture, I can never get a word in, if I was to ever try to say he was wrong about something he will keep shouting at me until I say he's right. Advice please?

Shouting at you is disgraceful behaviour on his part. I'm sorry you're living in a toxic environment.

Life won't always be like this. You're 18, the end is in sight. Soon you will be able to remove yourself from this home, and his sphere of influence.

Endure it as best you can, and set your sights on how and when to leave.

What are your plans for after school?

Oh dear, unacceptable behaviour on his part. Unfortunately you can't change it. People are damaged, sounds like he is an unhappy man. Try not to let his behaviour damage you. It isn't a reflection on you, it shows him for what he is. Sounds like he has a degree of control over your mum. Seek support from outside the home, I know this is tricky at the moment. Try to be compassionate in your thoughts, don't join in with bitterness or anger it will damage you in the long term. This is a toxic environment, you need strength and courage so look after yourself. Might be an idea to make sure you have few sober days in row every week. Really not judging, just concerned about you.

Well at the moment I have no choice but to live at home as I financially rely on my parents and live here rent-free. Assuming that I earn my Maths certificate, I am starting a BTECH course in Business Admin in September, I was going to be starting an apprenticeship at a pre-school but that's been put on hold as the manager can't pay me. My mum said she would rather support me financially than let me work as she doesn't want me to be juggling a college course with work due to mental health issues. About 3 months ago I almost committed suicide 2 days before my 18th birthday, my nan stopped me. He said to me today "don't stand there and tell me you're depressed". "I've been in the police force so I know what depression looks like, there's nothing wrong with you". At that point I just left the room without saying anything as I honestly felt like I was about to lose my self control and punch him. When I first opened up to them about they were really supportive about it but seemed quite reluctant for me to see a doctor, saying "it's family you need".

It sounds like an incredibly toxic environment. Is there anywhere else you could stay? You say your nan stopped you, would she be supportive if you opened up to her?

I can't stay at my dad's as 1. there's no space there, it's a three bed house and him, my stepmum, 3 three stepbrothers and my step-neice live there and 2. I don't get on with one of my stepbrothers. I could talk to my nan and she'd support me the best she can (she's actually my mums auntie but she brought her up), but I think she'd struggle to understand. When she found me she just made me vomit and called my mum to come and get me and she hasn't mentioned it since then, I think she's scared to talk about it.

For your own well-being you do need to speak to someone outside of your home environment who can hopefully help you with your depression, did you go to the doctors?

My dad was similar to your stepdad and living with him was just horrible growing up, even now as grown adults when we go to my mom and dads house non of us are made to feel welcome and we only really go there to see my mom. My dad was badly neglected as a child and that's the reason he is the way he is. Does your stepdad have other kids?

OP sometimes you need talk to people outside the family to understand and heal yourself - and this sounds like one of the occasions.

Just because he is an adult and dealt with people with mental health issues in the past doesn't mean he understands yours. For starters how many people alive now have had to deal with a pandemic before? The factors causing people stresses and mental health issues differ in each generation. His general attitude stinks but then I say that about any person who falls into the "do as I say not as I do" camp.

In regards to drinking if you are prone to depression then it's best to avoid it as it's a depressant. Even more so while living with a shouty unpleasant individual so you don't argue with him.

On your other thread your mum is cross with you for being financially dependent on her and not contributing to the household while drinking too much - bought with HER money.
Maybe he’s just backing her up? Maybe he’s fed up with you making a mess and drinking too much any laying around in bed?
Of course he might not be a very nice man and he might resent you being there but who knows.

I would try and move in with your nan, though obviously you’d need to be making some sort of contribution.

Just stay as chill as you can OP. They want you to study, they want you not to drink too much. Obviously their communication skills are not the best but, as is often quoted on here, you might find out they improve dramatically in the next couple of years.

Rockchic7 he has an adult son by a previous marriage who refuses to see him as he went to prison, and he has 3 small children with my mum

Does he shout at the younger kids or just you?

Would it be possible even just for a couple of nights a week to stop at your nans just to try and get a break from the situation at home?

Last night you were moaning about your mother.
As a parent to a 22 year old and a step mother to a tween they really get on my nerves with everything they do. I also know it's normal for me to feel like this as they are growing up and aren't little kids anymore as they find their place in the world.
As regards your qualification its your qualification and you should have taken more responsibility to find out what was required however in the current pandemic things were changing all the time.
I also live with a husband who has depression which is a trial for all of us and maybe you need a different environment.

Rockchic7 I do that anyway, I have done since I was born. My 13 year old DB gets exactly the same treatment I used to when I was his age (I guess it kind of gets worse over time). She's never admitted it but I think he's the reason my 16 year old DS moved out to live with our auntie and now she has a fantastic relationship with him.