Overstepping the line

[Stepmum2702]

I'm a step mum to an 8 year old, his dad works so home schooling during this pandemic has been my responsibility. He does most of the work with his mum, and then whatever hasn't been completed before he comes over is done with me, including a few extra tasks that I create (I am a primary school teacher). This is how it's been since the start of lockdown and it hasn't been an issue until now.
Each week he is asked to create a presentation about what he has learnt. He works on this through the whole week and it gets submitted on a Friday. The issue this week is that he's edited and changed a few presentation slides that he created with his mum while he was staying with us. I don't get what the problem is, as this is his work and if he feels that he wants to change a picture or put in a different background then that is surely up to him as it's his work. I must mention that he has also changed a few complicated words to simpler ones because he didn't understand them, and it was obvious that these had been copied directly from the internet. But this hasn't changed any of the content that his mum helped him with, just made it so that he understood what he was reading.
I'm now being told that I've overstepped the line and I'm trying to be his mum. I understand that she has spent time with him to do this work and is probably proud of what they've achieved, but why should I stop him from changing his own work if that's what he wants to do? This isn't the first time I've 'overstepped the line', it seems that this line gets crossed whenever I spend time with the child. Apparently I make her look like a bad mother if I bake cakes with him. I'm interfering if I take him to school in the mornings. But if I refuse to do something I'm also the bad guy. Feels like I can't win.
So, today I have said enough is enough and if it's such an issue with her that I will no longer be helping with the school work, she must now complete all of it before he comes over and I will only be doing the extra work that I personally find for him. I'm just so fed up of always being told I'm doing things wrong. I'm not trying to replace his mum, I never would. All I'm trying to do is support my boyfriend through this difficult time, and take some pressure off her too. I've tried and tried being nice to her, but she doesn't look at me and acts as though I don't exist whenever we're around each other.
I'm sorry for the long rant, I just want to know if I am overstepping the line by letting him change his own work? Should I tell him that he's not allowed to? Just feels petty and I feel like the bad guy now for refusing to do the work with him, he's the one who's being affected. But it get's to a point where you just can't take any more hatred aimed at you.
I have nothing against this woman, and I don't think I've ever done anything to deserve being treated like this.

She feels threatened by you. Don't take it personally. Just ignore. Get your partner to deal with her directly. Carry-on doing what you are doing.....

I think you're doing the right thing by not helping anymore. I would also stop the extra work and stop doing school pick ups and let his parents sort it out. If they can't appreciate the huge favour you are doing them by doing this then they need to find another solution.

You're not overstepping. She's jealous. However I think you've made the right decision taking a step back for your own sake

Thank you, your replies have made me feel a lot better. I really don't want to be overstepping this line she talks of and make her feel uncomfortable. But feels like I can't do anything that doesn't upset her. My partner is very supportive of my decision not to help out with the school work any more, I just don't want his son to miss out. It's just a shame that we can't get along for his sake.

I agree I think you have done the right thing.

Goodness me if my exes partner was a primary school teacher and willing to help out id be jumping at that right now!!

Some people just will never stop being jealous and never be able to let go of their kids to allow someone else to be involved even if it effects the kids to not to do so!

I think you are right to say you will do something but won’t help with the work she is setting for him if it causes issues, as you are a teacher you are more than capable of finding other relevant things to do with him and that’s fine. She will realise when she has to do it all with him, that she’s over reacted over nothing.

I would be invoicing her for your teacher duties...

Remember, you're attached, so already that puts you in a superior position when it comes to teaching.

She probably feels undermined when you correct something. You say that it's his changes, but did he really ask to change some words because they were too complex or did you suggest it.

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong at all, but I can u derstand if she is not the most confident woman that she would take any correction personally. Do you ever talk to each other? Maybe a few words would appease her that you think, as a teacher, that she is doing a decent job of teaching him, as anon teacher?

@dontdisturbmenow Yes I understand this, his dad will ask him to read his work and tell him what he has learnt. If he sees a difficult word then he will question him on its meaning. So it's his dad that suggests the changes not me, but as I'm the one helping him with his work I guess she thinks it's all my idea. We have explained this to her, and asked the son to let her know if he doesn't understand a word but she doesn't want our help. Knowing his skill levels, it's easy to see that he isn't coming up with these words himself, and from a teachers perspective it's frustrating when he doesn't understand his own work.

No we don't speak, I have tried but she blanks me. She doesn't even refer to me by name when talking about me, preferring to call me 'she' or 'her' rather than my name. This has been going on for 3 years now, and I can't see it getting better any time soon.

If you have a good relationship with the child and he wants you to help him, it's great bonding time. If you like helping him, continue doing it.

If she ignores you, then she just complains to your boyfriend? If your boyfriend is on your side, how do her complains affect you? Just ignore her the same way she ignores you. Like others said, she's threathened by you, that's the reason she doesn't interact with her. if you put yourself in her shoes, you will understand her, but in this life, everyone is after their own interests and I guess your interest is to have a good relationship with your stepson.

You sound like a brilliant step mum and your stepson is very lucky to have you. That said, I empathise with the mum too as home learning is proving seriously stressful for lots of parents and maybe, through no fault of yours, she felt criticised by the edits/extension tasks and is feeling extra vulnerable and sensitive at the moment. Covid is tough on everyone so I'd take it all with a pinch of salt.

Thanks everyone for the messages. So the dreaded phone call between mum and dad happened this evening, turns out that the issue wasn't anything to do with the school work, and now she regrets using this excuse to start an argument as she now has to complete all the work on her own.

Looks like we have an 8 year old who's been carrying tales over to his mums house which were not entirely true... of course she doesn't want to listen to what actually happened in those circumstances so nothing was sorted and now things are messy.
Not nice being used as an excuse to start an argument that I have nothing to do with. Hopefully everything will get sorted when everyone's calmed down.

Welcome to the mad house. After 8 years our situation just keeps on getting worse. I'm English and an English teacher, living in France. My kids are bilingual. DSC are getting there. They are however dyslexic which is my fault.

Oh dear. Was your partner able to resolve the issues when they spoke?

She might have regretted her complaints about the school work but she’ll have to live with the consequences of that and his dad can explain that to him. Whatever the other issues are, I think taking a big step back and leaving the parenting to your partner might help.

I feel for you, you’re trying to be a good step mum, support your partner and care for his son. But you can’t push water uphill and if she’s kicking off and DSS is telling fibs just try to limit your involvement so fewer issues can arise.

My DSC mum hasn’t ever minded me helping with homework or looking after them by myself, but she won’t let them take anything they’ve made here like crafts or baking back to hers to the extent that she’s literally taken a plate of cakes off them and chucked them in the bin. No one knows why but it’s easier for the DC to leave things here, who needs the drama.

@AnneLovesGilbert no he wasn't able to resolve anything. It's like his ex is on a cycle of being horrible with us, then fine and then horrible again. There usually isn't a trigger either, she will bring up past arguments or things that have been said weeks ago. She doesn't like me doing anything with the child.

I have been reading and researching and have come across disengagement. I never knew this was a thing, but it sounds like the perfect solution. Although me and SS have always had a great relationship, I don't love him like people expect you to. I've always felt guilty of this but only just realised that this is fine, I don't need to love him as though he is my own child, and I don't need to take on a parenting role. This isn't my job and I understand that now. I'm lucky to have a supportive partner who understands my decision to take a step back until I feel better and don't resent his child anymore. This isn't his child's fault, and I don't want to dislike an 8 year old, but this is really getting me down now and I need to help myself first for a change.

None of this is your fault. As step mum you'll never be right in what you do, and often used as a punching bag for mum.

If you dont do "enough" you're evil. If you do "too much" you're trying to be mother. But mum gets to decide this and not tell you the line/rules - you must guess. Line/rules can also change whenever mum feels like it

You are doing the best thing by stepping back. Let mum and dad deal with everything. You're not mum after all

Op. Go and read the thread going bonkers about holiday right now. This thread exemplifies the challenges step parents face. All the times.

Detachment with love is what more step parents need to practise. Especially if either parent is non supportive of the role they play. Sad but true.