Anyone in the same boat?

[SugarFreeRedbull]

I've posted on the Step-Parenting thread to speak with people going through something similar, not to be bashed or made to feel awful.

I have been with my DP for 5 years and he has an amazing 7 year old daughter. I have no issues/bad feelings towards her, I love having her with us (we have her 60/40) and I feel we've created a great bond. I love that I'm able to watch her grow, experience and learn new things without the responsibility of being her mum. She is a lovely, kind, polite and fantastic little girl.

When me and DP got together, I fell pregnant 7 months after and consequently had a termination. It was too soon and I didn't know whether I wanted to be in a long term relationship with him as things were very fraught with him and his ex girlfriend. His ex would ring/text constantly, hurl abuse, turn up at his mums house and use their daughter as a toy she sometimes allowed him to share. It was a joint decision to terminate and he was supportive the whole way through.

11 months ago, I fell pregnant unexpectedly (I'd had the coil and had issues with it) but I was actually delighted. DP wasn't and it's was like his world had come to an end. I ended up miscarrying so the decision was taken out of our hands but his reaction has stayed with me.

I've spoken to him about why is always disastrous when I've fell pregnant, I didn't get that happiness that he often speaks about when he found out his ex was expecting and when they found out she was a girl "it was amazing" and I'm just sad. He says he wants a child with me but when we have a mortgage (we're saving) and when we have a bigger house.

I've been on a medication for the last 6 months that is similar to chemo and now my chances of becoming pregnant are slim. It's ruined my body.

I'm struggling today watching them play, squeal with laughter and play fight. It's bittersweet but I'm so sad deep down that for some reason, I'll never now experience that with him. Other than that we are happy, we get along and I make a huge effort with his little girl. I love them both

It's really set me off that ex gf has done him a card, with a picture of him and her on the front and quotes about always being "family" and in side lots of pictures of his family. It's a lovely gift but it's hurting and I can't explain why.

Aw I'm so sorry you have suffered your losses.
It's so difficult.
I had a miscarriage under similar circumstances to yours and I was heartbroken. I went through all the feelings you are going through and they all seemed magnified by the things you have mentioned.
2 years after I was pregnant with my DS and it didn't really change how I felt about things.
My DS is my world I adore him but me and ex split up.
Do you have your own children already?
I'm sorry to hear about your medication causing fertility problems.
Maybe in time you will feel a bit less sensitive to the cards and family stuff but it's hard to say.
It's a painful life feelings that way and separation really helped me draw a line under it all and heal without things in my face all the time x

I didn’t want to read and run, you sound like a lovely person and I totally understand your feelings. It must be so so hard to be in that situation

So sorry OP, no advice but sending un-mumsnetty hugs and 💐

I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been through. You are not wrong to feel sad at your potential or likely loss of creating your own family. The way you speak about your partner’s daughter is lovely; the pleasure you derive from her is tangible and wonderful.

Only you can decide whether being with your partner would be too painful in the long run. Only you can take a decision about how to tackle this with your partner. What I think is clear is that you could probably do with some counselling for yourself about your likely infertility. You also need to have an open honest and kind conversation with your partner about where your relationship is headed, with or without your own children: if you both see your joint future ideally with more children and therefore how you might go about trying to achieve that.

Your own counselling and conversation with your partner should hopefully give you clarity about where you see your own future going.

If he cannot engage with you on this, if he cannot understand how important this is to you and how difficult it would be to give up your hopes to have your own family then I’m afraid he doesn’t sound like a good person to be in a relationship with at all.

Am I the only one to think the card that the ex did was a little strange?Im on good terms with my Ex husband and buy him a fathers day card for the kids to give him , but not with a picture of us on the front of it ! wtf!

Im sorry for your losses OP you sound like a lovely step mum.

Thank you for your kind messages. I always get nervous posting about issues when it involves a step child and then I end up deleting the post altogether

I don't have any children already, it was one of my dreams since being a little girl but I wanted a career first and a settled relationship. Life has a funny way of not going as planned though... I'm truly gutted about the prospect of probably never having my own children.

I want to be with him, I love him and I'm so happy but because he has already experienced having a child and is getting some independence back from not being in the toddler/infancy stage, he doesn't want to go back to that. I get it. I would probably feel the same although he says he'd never deny me the opportunity to have a child. Except I probably don't have the option now, after a termination and a miscarriage which both were like a nuclear bomb had gone off to him

Ex is very strange and still very hot/cold now. One minute she's over friendly and chirpy and the next she's screaming at him about something minor. I keep well out of it!

Dude, honestly there are red flags there. Some things are negotiable and some just aren't!
If you feel like your kid won't be welcomed by your husband, just get out and find a nice father for your kids.
Simple like that!

Maybe he struggles not having his dd full time. Maybe flash backs of his relationship break down when you got pregnant - what would happen if you split and he had 2 dc and no relationships? More time split /sharing a part time dc.. Not defending him but lots to consider like how the guilt will set on having a baby full time and not dd.
Unless he is 100 % agreed on having a baby in the future you need to accept or move on alone.

@SugarFreeRedbull

It's really set me off that ex gf has done him a card, with a picture of him and her on the front and quotes about always being "family" and in side lots of pictures of his family. It's a lovely gift but it's hurting and I can't explain why.

I can explain why - because his ex has no boundaries!! That’s a shitty thing to do for someone in a relationship. Of course they’ll always be connected by their DC and it’s lovely that she made sure he had a card from his DD but to put a pic of them as a couple on it, and a message about being a family, is just weird and implies she’s still interested in him.

Given how he’s been about your miscarriage and his general attitude about having DCs with you, I’d have to say, I couldn’t stay with him. Watching him being a loving and affectionate parent, knowing that you’ll possibly never get to experience that, will be death by a thousand paper cuts for you.

Of course many women have to deal with this, but without a bit of support and understanding from him, and his overly familiar ex lurking in the background, will make this harder than it needs to be for you

Ex is very strange and still very hot/cold now. One minute she's over friendly and chirpy and the next she's screaming at him about something minor.

But even the screaming is not the behaviour of someone who’s over him. My DP and his ex used to have shouting matches and call each other vile names etc when we first got together. He thought it would make me happy that he hated her.

But as I said to him, the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

You sound lovely OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I think the pp’s have made some very good points, your partner may be worried that his daughter will feel left out or replaced if you had a child together or he may be scared that the pressure will break the two of you up or it may be that he wants it to be “right” and not a situation that you just find yourself in and have to make the best of.
None of those reasons would mean that he loves you any less.

I’m not surprised the card has upset you, it’s totally out of line and would upset most step mums in normal circumstances never mind with the other factors at play here.
A card with pics of him and his daughter and messages about what a great dad he is etc would have been appropriate, a card with the pics of the three of them and referring to a family most definitely is not.
The fact is they are not a family. He and his daughter are a family, the three of you have created a family.
It sounds like she is trying to insert herself and play a more relevant role in his currant life.
IMO it’s NOT a lovely gift, it’s the ex trying to assert her superiority over you, I hope your partner can see that.
She sounds like she’s still attached to him, the hot\cold behaviour also indicate this.