Joint birthday parties?

[RedCarBluePlane]

I’m interested to get some differing opinions. I have 3 kids with my ex, year 7 to year 1, we do separate birthday celebrations for the kids, my ex rarely pays child support (and CMS say he only has to pay £40 a month anyway so I don’t need the extra stress of chasing it) and never for extra stuff like secondary school uniform / year 6 trips etc so tbh I don’t want to do joint birthday parties. I have no idea if my ex prefers it this way or not as I’ve never asked. He invited himself once but as he wasn’t contributing to the £200 plus party I let him know I wasn’t happy with it.

Now I have 2 issues.

1. My partner wants to continue to do joint birthday parties with his ex for their 2 kids. I don’t feel joint parties are necessary so I’m a bit uncomfortable with that but also he and his ex are high-conflict, she goes out of her way to make digs at me and make things difficult for me and I know she has told her family and friends I’m the other woman (I’m not). But he thinks it’s important for the kids to have both parents there so he still wants it despite the potential for drama, also he’s quite easy going so any tension won’t bother him but I’m quite anxious and I will feel it, him going without me will also make me feel anxious because I know his ex will assume that he’s choosing to exclude me and fuel more spite from her.

1. My kids have started saying they would like joint parties lately and I feel uncomfortable around my ex (he was emotionally abusive). My partner thinks I should put my feelings aside for my ex to do want the children want as it’s only one day.

Also, I know my ex won’t contribute to the cost of the party, I feel annoyed at him being there playing the part without contributing to anything and also uncomfortable saying if he doesn’t pay he doesn’t get to come.

Thoughts on how to handle this?

Yup, my thoughts

1. if he and his ex and his children have been doing joint parties pre you being on the scene, respect that. I would stay away from the party personally and your celebration with his children can be a small / private affair in your house with just all the children and the two of you. If you fight this and allow your ‘anxiety’ to take precedent, the exwife wins as essentially Shes created a real point of conflict between you and your partner and you and the children. Can you imagine these children being told that you’re the reason a once a year party isn’t going ahead? That’s not fair on them. (And I say this as someone who is a partner to someone with a very high conflict exwife). What he does with his children is his business, not mine.

2. What you then do with your children is your business, not your partners. If you don’t feel comfortable and haven’t done joint birthday parties, then don’t. Explain to your children that mummy doesn’t feel comfortable and that’s that.

I have a very amicable relationship with my ex husband and we don’t do joint parties. Just feels too uncomfortable for all involved (including the children). But I know plenty of people who do and if it works for the kids, then I say you need to let this one go

I agree it's best you stay out of it, but that goes both ways and for what it's worth I do think you're doing the right thing for everyone involved if there is high tension, and it sounds like he's being a bit judgy. You should feel free not to go if it makes you uncomfortable, too.

Thank you, regarding if joint parties ‘work for the kids’ then to let them happen, in my case joint parties do apparently work for the kids, all 3 say they’d like that, it’s me that doesn’t want it so following that logic I should go along with what the kids want?

With his ex and their kids, if he wasn’t there they would still have a party regardless.
In my preferred scenario they would have two separate celebrations. I’m not suggesting they don’t have a party at all to suit me.
As far as the ex, she would see me not going to a joint party as her “winning” and that will fuel her. I feel separate celebrations is more peaceful.

ASofaNearYou
I do think you’re doing the right thing for everyone involved if there is high tension

Do you mean regarding my kids? My ex probably wouldn’t be bothered by a joint party, it’s me who would be feeling the stress.

No, that’s not what I said.

I said that they have been having joint parties before you cane on the scene so it clearly works for everyone, including both adults and the children. Not just the children. If that set up exists, IMO that’s not for you to interfere with. You can try but trust me it will backfire. Regarding what your preference is re your DP’s children? At the risk of sounding harsh, sorry but your preference shouldn’t matter here. This is a one off occasion once a year, let them do what works for them.
If I’m honest (and I say this because I have at time been where you are), you’re making this about you and the exwife. And by doing so, you risk fuelling the conflict. Who cares if you not going to a party is viewed by her as ‘winning?’. If you’re going to turn up, be stressy/ anxious and hate it, why would you go? It’s a kids party for a few hours. I hated my own kids parties tbh, why anyone else fights to go them is beyond me.

You’re coming across as a bit controlling, which potentially tells me there’s more to this than meets the eye. It can’t just be about a party surely?

Re you and your children? If a joint celebration doesn’t work for you then it doesn’t work for you. You owe no one an explanation. Just as what your DP does re his kids is his choice, what you do with yours it your choice.

One size does not fit all.

How long have you been together?

I don't think you can tell him to change how they do things.

Just don't go to the parties if it makes you uncomfortable.

How do you try to convince your partner? Are there discussions? Because a good tactic would be to be (or to pretend to be) vulnerable. Just talk about how you feel uncomfortable being in the presence of a hostile mother, but that you would love to be there for his kids because you care/love them. Suggest that in addition to the joint party (to which you will not go), you do something small with you included (without the mother), so you can "give them their presents". That could start a new tradition. He just had to get used to the idea of doing it without the mother and slowly things might change (not this time for sure).
People are all about habits, so create a new one. I started doing that. Before, my DP and his ex would do a joint party, or more exactly, it was the mother who did it and my DP would contribute financialy and be present. But me and the mother are not on good terms and I also wanted to have something that belongs to our family, not just everything with the mother. So I always made a cake for SD and give them the present in our house. So this year I asked DP that we bring SD to a restaurant with her brothers (she's 13, when they grow up, it's easier) on the day of her bday as she happened to be with us. The mother didn't like it, she wanted SD back home to organize a party for her and to move our restaurant night, but for the first time even, my DP stood up to her and the party was done the next day (when SD had to go home) and my DP didn't go for the first time....You can slowly change things, but when you try to push, there's always resistance.

Yes, I don't think it helps anyone to have tense joint gatherings that make the adults uncomfortable and stressed. Better to have separate events you actually enjoy.

Closed Doors we’ve been together for 3 years. The twins were 1 when we met.

The problem is going or not going, both make me feel uncomfortable and apprehensive, I guess I’m stuck in feeling frustrated that what I see as the easier more peaceful option is not happening.

sassbot you mention your husband has a high conflict ex wife and you’ve been where I am, how did you manage to get around your feelings and detach? The ex has gone out of her way to be vindictive towards me which my partner put a stop to.

Hmm, but by easier/peaceful option you mean specifically for you. Your DP is fine with it and his kids want joint parties. It would only be because of your own issues that it would change, which I don't think is fair on him or his kids.

For the sake of 1 day a year I think you need to suck it up and forget about what you personally would prefer.

Closed Doors Mainly me yes, his ex is happy to have joint parties as long as I’m not there, he wants me to come and says she can’t dictate that. He is fine with it because he’ll be able to brush any tension off.

We've had joint parties twice. Once we shared the cost and the second time I just felt that we should invite his mum because his school friends were going to be there and she is friends with some of the parents. She didnt offer any financial contribution. I don't plan to make a habit of it, I also don't plan to make a habit of organising parties every year as they can get extremely expensive. I wasnt overly comfortable spending time with his mum but he was happy and for that 2 hours, I just had to put my feelings aside for his benefit. I do think as far as your partner and his ex are concerned, if it is something they have always done and your partner is happy with their arrangement then I guess it's something for you to get used to either by going and putting on a brave face or by not going and focusing on what you do together. As far as your kids are concerned, tell them you can discuss it closer to the time. Once their birthday arrives, depending on what is arranged for their birthday depends on how you explain to the children that it doesnt make sense for their Dad to come or you work out a way of inviting him but remaining in control of the situation. Everything is purely situational based, really

The way I honestly dealt with it was to read up and understand the mind of high conflict individuals. Essentially? They thrive off conflict. Creating it. Seeing it.

The only way to deal with high conflict individuals is to starve them of oxygen. Detach from the mind games they are attempting to play with you. And that’s what I meant when I said that you risk making this situation about you and her (which is potentially exactly what she wants).

It’s one day a year. Who cares? If you had said that this was your party and she was invited because the children wanted her there, I’d understand. But it’s not! It’s the children’s party and in essence it has absolutely nothing to do with you. (I say that kindly as it’s how I started to cope/ detach from the games my partners exwife was playing).

By making this into a ‘thing’ that you are quite evidently anxious about? You’re letting her win.

Do what works for you and your children. Let your DP do as he wishes. Stay well away (I would) and leave them to it.

I think you need to keep it separate what you do here.

If your ex and his kids like joint parties for his kids, fine, carry on. No offence but this decision has nothing to do with you.

But the same goes for you aswell so if you and your kids dont want to do joint parties then don't.

It sounds like your kids would like to try joint parties though so if I were you I'd look at it for their sakes?

Good luck!

I personally think seperate celebrations are better for most people. The kids get 2 parties, what isn’t to love and generally their party is more about seeing their friends than anything else.

Does ex want to throw expensive parties and see having them ‘joint’ as a way of DP helping her to fund this? Rather than him spending on his own and her having to pay it all? Just a genuine question I was wondering about.

Or, is it a way of her not having to give up any contact time with them on their birthday as if DP attends the party then this covers that?

These 2 things would be my suspicions about the why...

If she is saying joint parties but you are not to go, then personally I think on that basis you DP should be saying it’s fine then, we will do our own thing. I don’t think he should be expecting you to go if she’s made it clear you won’t be welcome, and I don’t think he should be condoning her excluding you either. If it’s joint then it’s whole family, including you and I guess also your DC? As they are part of his DC family now too.

If she said joint and all was good and happy and everyone can attend with no awkwardness then fine.

I don’t see why seperate events should be such a big issue, if they still get their big party then what’s the problem whether everyone is there or not, they can have a seperate celebraiton with the other parent.

I understand you not wanting a joint party with your ex...as he really doesn't contribute... mean 40 quid a month for 3 kids...that he's not consistent with...yeah I totally get how you feel. Along with the fact that he was abusive too.

With your current partner...let him and his Ex decide...it's really not your call.

It's a kids party...you don't need to go...and if being in her presence causes anxiety and she's been clear she doesn't like you... why bother stressing yourself about it.

One day a year should not shake your relationship if it's solid. It's not a competition and she hasn't won anything...if you focus on her as you're doing..it's going to impact on your relationship.

You just don't have the right to dictate how they celebrate their DCs birthdays though.

It works for them..you do what works for you and your kids.