Daughter's wierd comment about step-dad

[Jowanjessy]

I was dropping my daughter to school when she said she wouldn't want a boyfriend. My daughter is 7. She continued by saying it loads of work and they are annoying. So I said well how about your dad? He is technically her step-dad but she views him as her dad.
She said she would rather just live with only me without him and we could get a house in the neighborhood. This broke my heart but I stayed calm. I asked her why but she said she didn't know. I asked if he's mean to her and she said he isn't. And when I asked her if he hurt her she said he doesn't. Then she told me not to tell him because it would hurt he's feelings cause it's a mean thing to say. She was running late so I dropped her off.

I just can't let this go.. I don't think he is abusive towards her because I've never seen anything that would suggest this and also they are never home alone. She seems to love him and want to spend time with him. I'm not sure what to do now. I feel like my perfect view of our family has broken down and I'm scared shes really feeling bad about living with my boyfriend. Not sure what to do now..

I have been ill for the past 3 months and still try to help my boyfriend out with the house and food. I wonder if that's why she thinks boyfriends are hard work. I also asked if she wants to spend more time with him. And she said she does but also wants to move.

My dd is pretty clear that she would rather just live with me and maybe her brother. Her bio dad lives with us and we're a couple. I think sometimes it's just the way kids are, they love their mums! It's also a girl thing, I think, wanting mum all to yourself to chat to.

Do a bit more gentle probing before jumping to conclusions. How is your relationship with your partner? If it's tense at all, your dd will pick up on that and naturally want it to end.

Well. If she has to see that you are killing yourself to please that man then obviously she does not want that for herself.
She can see that your life was less stressful before he came along. Now everything has to be the way that pleases your BF.
And she has been directed to call him dad (to act as he is the dad) but she is not stupid. She knows he isint. Another emotional pressure to act unnaturally. Poor child!

Hi RosesinGranGransgarden, thanks for your reply. It helped easy my mind. I have been able to talk to her and she told me she just misses spending time with me. I have been ill so when I feel bits of energy I used it to clean and cook instead of playing with her. I wil try and make more time for her. My relationship has seen better days as being ill has made it a bit harder. So I think she did pick up on this as well. Thanks again for ur reply.

what is the dynamic between you and your partner like

Hi Annaminna, thanks for ur reply. I don't think I'm killing myself to please my boyfriend but I think have have been spending less time with my daughter. It's hard to balance a household while being ill. She was a baby when I started dating my boyfriend so I doubt she remembers life before this. I have been able to chat with her and she said she misses spending time with me. Also we have been really careful not to pressure her into seeing him as her dad. Because we are young parents we didn't want her calling him dad for years as we didn't know how serious the relationship would we. We started dating at 19 years old. She asked to call him dad last summer and we agreed because at this point we are solid. Thanks again for ur reply.

My DC said I can never have a boyfriend or her married because we are to live together forever with loads of cats 😻😻😻

I think you are right to explore this and make sure there is nothing going on, but I also think it is pretty normal. Tonight DS1 listed to me his favourite things. They were, in this order, me, his bear, sausages, his Dad, his brother.

I think it can just be a kid thing too. My ds can be very dismissive about his dad, even though his dad is an amazing dad and he's very lucky.

I said a similar thing to my mum at that age, and the true reason was because I

a) didn't want a husband because I knew somehow that husband would want sex to make baby, and although I wanted a baby, someone had told me sex hurts first time for girls, but no-one had told me sex is also pleasurable for girls

b) could see that my mum would be happier if single

At 6 or 7 my son announced he’d like another daddy’, nothing wrong with the one he’s got apparently, we can keep him. Just he’d like another one (younger would be good apparently...) I don’t object so bigamy here I come 😂

Kids say all sorts, it’s not always bad.

Not totally the same but I asked my mum if we could leave my dad and brother, just go and live the two of us together. I barely remember it now but I absolutely love my brother and dad so it was obviously just a silly child thing

How long have you been together? I think it's odd that your call him your boyfriend but claim she sees him as her Dad?

I would not let this lie

@Thisismytimetoshine we have been together for 5 years and my daughter is 7.. I call him my boyfriend because that is what he is😂 We aren't married or engaged. Maybe it's a cultural difference. I'm Dutch and even if you are together for 30 years we still refer to them as a 'boyfriend'.

Annaminna you’ve literally just made that all up. None of what you said is in the OP post, why invent things out of thin air to support an argument that only exists inside your own head? Presumably it’s a sensitive topic due to your own family background but please don’t project.

OP, it slightly worries me that your mind jumps to abuse just because your daughter would rather be alone with you. That’s a big stretch for something so common. Why do you feel the need to have a “perfect” family?

I would take her comment to mean she wants to spend more time with you. Not as a family, just you.
I would also be alert to why perhaps she is wanting to be away from your partner, it might not be anything to worry about but I think it would concern me slightly too.
But on the flipside, children can just be quite possessive and jealous of their primary carers.

When I was little my mum was sick. Lots of being shushed because you mustn't disturb mummy. I wanted to disturb her because I missed her.

My ds is generally 50 /50 with me and dh. Still suggests dh sleeps on the sofa so he can have his half of the bed!!
Once suggested we get a shed for his df to live in!!
Dc say odd stuff op. If you are certain dd is 100 %safe I would forget she said it!!

My dd and ds recently split the whole house up including the dog and cats. Ds was going to live with me and ddog and dcat1 and dd was going to live with dh and dcat2&3. I asked dd if she thought her bed would fit in the shed as me and ds were keeping the house. It sounds like she just wants so time with you and this was her way of expressing it.

[quote Jowanjessy]@Thisismytimetoshine we have been together for 5 years and my daughter is 7.. I call him my boyfriend because that is what he is😂 We aren't married or engaged. Maybe it's a cultural difference. I'm Dutch and even if you are together for 30 years we still refer to them as a 'boyfriend'.[/quote]
Ok, sorry. I suppose I just associate the term boyfriend with new relationships, and partner for longer term, more committed ones.
Apologies 🙂