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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Uncomfortable reading

25 replies

Chucklecheeks01 · 19/06/2020 08:36

I'm finding the SP board really uncomfortable reading at the moment. There seems to be a trend where clear sides are drawn from very early on and then the thread descends in to chaos. The original question just gets lost as do the sensible and balanced replies.

I'm a resident parent and a SP. I have to try really hard to ensure my experience (Exh had an affair and when caught moved straight in with her introducing the kids within a month) doesnt cloud my comments. Sometimes I'm more successful than other times.

This board has been really helpful but something needs to change as it just seems to be escalating. I have no idea what but was wondering if other people felt or I need to toughen up.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

pictish · 19/06/2020 08:38

“There seems to be a trend where clear sides are drawn from very early on and then the thread descends in to chaos. The original question just gets lost as do the sensible and balanced replies.”

To be honest you’ve described pretty much every other thread on here no matter what the topic.

pictish · 19/06/2020 08:39

It’s the internet you see. It’s frequented by people.

Magda72 · 19/06/2020 08:52

@Chucklecheeks01 - I think one of the main issues on the stepparents board is that there are a few very vocal people on here who are resident parents but who are not/have not been stepparents themselves so every comment they make comes from their pov & that of their children & they seem intent on bashing every single step on here no matter what the issue. This is supposed to be a board to support stepparents so of course all the above one sided comments further aggravate the people on here with genuine step issues who are often already aggravated by what they are going through at home.
I'm honestly not sure how MN could regulate this though.

Original poster

Chucklecheeks01 · 19/06/2020 09:56

@pictish sorry didn't really these people had to be knobs.
This isnt every thread you get on mumsnet. Its seems to be extremely prevalent on the SP section

OP posts:

theredhen1 · 19/06/2020 19:08

I am convinced I stayed in a controlling relationship with my partner who put his needs and the needs of his ex wife at the top of the list of priorities for all the family (and I include their kids in that).

Every time I posted desperately looking for support I was effectively told that my point of view was wrong, I should consider the kids (but only the step kids, not my own). My mental health was awful and I simply never ever had a moment to do anything I wanted. I simply don't know anyone who can live like that without it affecting their mental health.

I know I'm a kind and caring person who naturally puts others first and that is why I ended up living such a life of drudgery for the sake of not upsetting anyone else. Constantly being told on here to put up with all sorts of abuse helped even further to diminish what little self esteem I had left.

This board has had some great support but it's also had a hell of a lot of nasty vipers who seem intent on destroying the step parents who are reaching out. In these days of #bekind, I'm not surprised nothing has changed.

KylieKoKo · 21/06/2020 14:00

I think some people on here project their fear of their own relationships ending and their children getting close to another woman onto step parents here. There are many instances of there being threads about the same issue but one from a step mum and one from a mum and the advice is completely different just because of who is posting. There are supportive people here but they often get drowned out by people who hate step parents.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 21/06/2020 14:09

It's true, it's ridiculous. I stopped bothering to post

SionnachGlic · 21/06/2020 14:09

@pictish

You are right...every thread soon descends into chaos with some posters misinterpreting (deliberately it seems at times) & goading...then it gets insulting & rude (from some usual suspects). At that point I just find it entertaining in a mindnumbing kind of way...I would never pay any heed to advice from the usual goady posters. Nor would I allow a social media platform & total strangers decide the course of my relationships, career...or anything else. Jump on for the ride...but jump off into RL too...

Cherryrainbow · 28/06/2020 21:26

I've only just starting looking at this forum myself and as others have said, you find the usual spectrum of responses. I tend to ignore/filter out the responses where people are looking to just be nasty for the sake of it and try and read the responses that are more constructive, even if we don't agree I will take on board someone explaining their side reasonably than someone who just throws around insults.

Destroyedpeople · 28/06/2020 21:31

There are an awful lot of posts from step parents asking for ways to see the step children less though. Plus a lot of people with their own experiences of difficult step parents....

KylieKoKo · 28/06/2020 23:26

@Destroyedpeople do you think either of those justify the vitriol shown to women who are struggling and doing their best in tough situations.

Destroyedpeople · 28/06/2020 23:27

I don't see any vitriol here tbh.

KylieKoKo · 28/06/2020 23:35

Not on this thread but I've seen a lot of nastiness towards step parents on this forum. Perhaps you've not seen the threads in question. I would question why you replied giving reasons for it rather than saying you haven't seen it if you first response if this was the case though.

Your own experiences of difficult step parents aren't related to people who post on mumsnet yet you've brought them up. This is projecting your own issues on to others.

Magda72 · 29/06/2020 08:59

@Destroyedpeople - I think most step parents are not asking how to see step kids less, they're asking how to implement healthy boundaries so as not to have their lives constantly dominated & overrun by 'first' families who don't want to acknowledge a parent's moving on & who still expect preferential treatment over equal treatment.

Destroyedpeople · 29/06/2020 09:13

Well it's a tricky situation for all parties involved. However I have seen a fair few threads where (typically) the stepmother is looking to reduce access visits or the stepfather is being an arse. At best....

aSofaNearYou · 29/06/2020 13:01

Destroyedpeople

If you genuinely don't think there is any vitriol on here then you are probably describing the same people as Magda. People in situations that lack boundaries daring to mention that they are struggling with their DSCs contact arrangement, only you are one of the people who immediately reacts negatively to them and take only "they want to see their SC less, they are vile" from their post. If you don't see the vitriol, it's probably coming from you.

Meneenamenana · 02/07/2020 21:23

But very often it’s not “I want to see my stepchildren less” it’s “I’m unhappy that my partners ex uses contact with children to exert control” - which absolutely, 100% does happen. It’s very often an adult problem, and the stepchildren are the unfortunate battleground in which all this plays out. And there’s a lot of vitriol against Disney Dads which doesn’t recognise that often the dads are frightened of losing their relationship with their children because they recognise the control and influence the resident parent has. I speak as a resident parent and as a step parent.

Frankola · 03/07/2020 17:05

What I find the most uncomfortable is the surge in mums who are separated/divorced who come on here specifically to trash step parents.

I find it really sad and bullying.

It's like they just come on here to bash people for their own problems.

Cuppachino · 04/07/2020 17:00

Yes you're right. I posted once (under a different name) asking for advice about my DSC's mother...she had left the kids at ours on HER weekend. My DH was working and I had plans already made. I can tell you that I was ripped apart from certain posters. The 'advice' was that DH should give up his job and I was the evil step-mother because I didn't immediately cancel my plans. I will NEVER post on here again looking for advice.

KylieKoKo · 04/07/2020 18:58

@Cuppachino I think I remember that thread. It was ridiculous.

BunnytheBee · 04/07/2020 19:03

You are right OP. It is a particular problem on the step parent threads in my experience.

It seems like the Step Mothers' Club vs the First Wives' Club

Frankola · 04/07/2020 19:47

Wow sorry that happened to you @cuppachino.

If they gave rational and helpful advice I'd be happy to listen to all opinions but they don't. They use their unhappiness at their own situation to call women horrible step mums etc no matter the issue.

My favourites are always the ones where they basically say "you and your kids are second best" "first families should always come first no matter what" - regardless of the situation.

It does give me a laugh though.

KylieKoKo · 05/07/2020 02:56

Someone once said I had a weird unnatural interest in my SD's daughter because I put sanitary towels in the bathroom for her when I thought she might be close to starting her periods.

EmeraldPink · 05/07/2020 03:26

I would never post on here for support because of this.

My (adult) SD has posted on AIBU and been told in no uncertain terms that she is B totally U. Had I posted about the same issue on here I have no doubt things would have gone the opposite way

Carolamc · 06/07/2020 17:54

I agree with the comment regarding the first wives. It seems that the members of the First Wives Club are here, not to answer questions or give advice, but to vent their anger that should be directed to their husband/OW.

So any step parent, instead of being given objective advice are subjected to barely hidden vitriol.

I, myself will be posting in a couple of weeks time, wanting advice from stepmothers, but I imagine I will have to bear the brunt of the first wives'
anger.

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