wife or daughter

[mouseorman]

I seperated from my children's mother very acrimoniously 7 years ago. My children have since lived with me. I remarried and my new wife moved in with us. My daughter (22) has had serious mental health issues which have recently been much worse. She is very chaotic, drinks heavily, steals, screams, and is very self centred. My wife is the opposite: calm,honest and kind. After 6 months of crisis after crisis my wife understandably couldn't cope anymore and has moved into temporary accommodation and says she can't ever live with my daughter again. If I tell my daughter she can no longer live here I honestly fear for her life. If I don't then I fear my marriage will be over. Has anyone any experience of this sort of dilemma?

Not this extreme no, but a friend whose daughter has anxiety, which started young and grew increasingly worse. He too is divorced and children lived fulltime with him.

Honestly? He enabled the situation to worsen over the years and when people (including counsellors) were telling him that the anxiety was sticking as a form of control, he didn’t put in place what the professionals told him to. He was soft and acquiesced / worked round her issues.

Now? The daughter has complete control of the household. Late teens. He tries to go out on a date? She has a meltdown. She is in complete control and knows exactly what to do to retain that control. He supports her completely financially and she shows no inclination of wanting to stand on her own two feet, why would she?

Your marriage will be over. No one should have to live with an abusive person, even if that person has mental issues. I respect your wife for taking that stance.

I’m curious. What does your wife say needs to happen? What advice has she given you?

She feels as torn as I do. She has a flat that is currently let but suggests she goes back there when the tenancy is up. My daughter may go back to university in september but I am concerned she will drop out again and even if not will expect to live here during holidays. I recognise that some of my daughter's behaviour is controlling. I feel guilty because some of her problems stem from the breakdown of my relationship with her mum (who also has mental health problems)

Guilt isn’t going to help you. You need steps to help you and your daughter. And you need to take control.

What level of professional interventions has your daughter had? Of course in an adult world, children (even adult) should always have a space to come home. But would I allow my own children to steal/ abuse/ drink under my roof? I would hope not, because I would look at that as enabling the destructive behaviours.

I would reiterate everything @sassbott is saying.
I have a 23 year old who ended up back home during lockdown (he's a postgrad student & had been studying abroad). He has no MH issues and gets on great with us all & we love him to bits, but I could see how he slipped back into 'dominant eldest child mode' so easily once home for such a long time & it got quite hard towards the end. He's now got his own place & it's done him & I the world of good.
My situation is nothing like yours but I detail it to highlight that as your children get older your relationship to them changes - both of you (parent included) need to gain independence from each other in order to re-establish a more equal adult to adult relationship. My ds & I had done that but him moving home for so long had us both regressing!!!
You will have NO life unless you 'break' from your dd & she will have no life so long as she's dependent on you.

I totally get that she has MH issues & needs support but it might be time to stop 'supporting' her in enabling her actions. You can be there for her & support her without enabling her & it would seem to me that it's professional help without parental input she really needs.
Can you imagine the sense of power over you she will feel if you split from your wife? You will literally be at her beck & call for the rest of your life.
I would also recommend Melanie Beatty's book Codependent No More. Her experience was with an alcoholic partner but in truth the book explains all sorts of codependent relationships between perpetrator & enabler - it helped me a lot with respect to my exh.

Is it an option for your daughter to live in the flat when it's available again?

There has been lots of professional support including inpatient crisis management and on going help. The flat is not an option for her. It’s a long story but we let her and then boyfriend live in another flat we own and it was a nightmare! My options seem stark. Permanently stop her staying with me or loose my partner.

Some fantastic advice and insight from @sassbott and @Magda72.

What is her mother’s view/situation?

@mouseorman have you had any sort of counselling/therapy yourself?
I'm asking because your using very absolutist language (which I can totally identify with btw) & the outcomes you envisage are ones where either your wife is happy or your dd is happy - I'm not hearing you & your happiness in any of this.
The reason I can identify is that's the way I was pre, during & post divorce until I got help. I was bent double trying to keep my kids happy, trying to protect them from certain behaviours of their dad's, afraid to upset exh in case he went off on one of his mega sulks - it was exhausting. It seems to me that you need to step out of your situation in order to see the wood for the trees.
I mean all this supportively btw - not as a criticism.

Unfortunately her mother can't/ won't help. Whenever there is any interaction between daughter and her mother there is always some kind of crisis. Both her and her brother (18) were are very scarred by the behaviour of their mother in the past.
My happiness is something I can't currently think about. I love my wife and my daughter but currently only derive happiness from spending time with my wife.

Your comment about not being able to think about your own happiness is very sad & to use the analogy of the oxygen mask on an aeroplane - you need to take care of yourself before you can help others. You are of no use to either your wife or dd if you are depleted & unhappy.
Your dd cannot help that she has mental heath issues but at the age of 22 she CAN & should help how she manages them. There are literally thousands of adults out there who learn to live with & manage their mental heath issues. I have worked with adults with severe disabilities &/or learning difficulties & ensuing MH issues & the majority of them 'manage' themselves very successfully. But, as in @sassbott's story about her friend & his dd, the ones who can't/won't manage themselves are the ones who are being enabled by parents or other family members.

There are also plenty of adults out there who have had awful experiences with a parent - but it doesn't dominate their lives & behaviour.
Your dd's MN issues are actually a separate thing from her behaviour but the two have been allowed to become entwined with each other which is obviously not doing your family any good at all.
That's all the advice I can give I'm afraid.