New to this - help!

[Pissflapflip]

My partners kids are lovely, we get on well, they get on well with my kids, it is intense when they are all together in our small house but it is do able. My issue is the ever rearing 'my mummy says...', the youngest is 7 and I think she feels so torn wanting to like being here but feeling guilty to her mum. Her hair fell down the other day and when I offered to put it back up she sheepishly admitted her 'mummy hates it' when I do it for her etc. One example of many. I don't think for a second that their mum is in any way agressive to them but I know she isn't all that emotionally stable and will cry at them about them being here etc. I don't try to force anything on them, tend to just back off and change the activity/subject when this arises (which is often). Is this the best tact though? Will things likely settle?

Ah what a shame for your poor DSD. That’s the kind of thing that will cause mental health issues. What is the relationship like between your partner and his ex?

His ex is very controlling, I wouldn't even know where to start with describing that situation (in a nutshell she turned around years ago and said she wasn't in love and he wasn't attractive to her but convinced him to enter a poly style relationship where only she was actually allowed to shag around date other people. When we met that is when he told her enough was enough, so she sees us as an affair and isn't happy he left. I think that is where the anger comes from). He doesn't quite see to what extent though and is on amicable terms, and everything with the children has always been completely at her pace.

Step back. I once plaited my DP’s eldest DC’s hair before she went back to her mums (she asked). I don’t know what happened / was said to the child but since then the children never ask me to do their hair and when my DP once suggested it, the poor child looked miserable and refused.

I know for a fact that their mother hates it. So I now do / engage very little as I want the children to be as conflict free as possible and enjoy their time with my DP as much as possible. (Google loyalty binds, they’re very common but can become a problem if any parent is actively creating them).

Sad but true.

Oh lord that is so sad though, I want to treat them the same way I would any child staying here, like my nephew/niece or close friends of my children