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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Bedroom sharing quandary

32 replies

vicky46 · 15/06/2020 21:38

New to all this but need some advice. My stepdaughter is 8 and already starting puberty.
At her mums she shares a bedroom with her half brother who is 4.5. He is autistic to the point he is non verbal, we don’t have a whole understanding as we’re not overly close so I only have some information.
SD is behind at school and when speaking with her she is basically tired all the time. Her brother keeps her up until midnight and wakes her at 5am most nights. This, on top of her early development means sharing a room just doesn’t sit easy with me or her dad.
The issue we have is that we are really trying to build up a better relationship with her mum (which is going great). However she has in the past stopped contact when my other half has upset her with comments over how she is parenting (nothing nasty just things he wasn’t happy with). I know ‘legally’ she can’t do that but unfortunately it’s happened before and I don’t want it to happen again.
So, my questions for you wise ones are; should we approach this issue/is it an issue? And how could we approach it? Thank you all

OP posts:

CBADotCom · 15/06/2020 22:17

I suppose one of the issues is does Mum have any alternative option other than the children sharing a room? Is there another female child that DSS could share with? I know it's not ideal but if she has less bedrooms than children where else can they sleep? Does she have funds available to move to a bigger property? Does Mum have a partner or could one of the children sleep in a room with her? If not - there probably isn't much else she can do.
I do get your concern as yes the situation is far from ideal. When my DSS had to come and stay with me (was possibly going to be living with me) I was able to partition off a section of my living room to create a small 3rd bedroom but thats was only possible because my room is very large.
If it is affecting her schooling, it may be worthwhile speaking with the school about their take on it and seeing if they have concerns as, if they do, it may be better coming from them (speaking as someone who's DSS had issues at school and when DP tried to speak to mum she said he was trying to make her out to be a bad parent).

YinuCeatleAyru · 16/06/2020 05:48

my first question would be whether your partner, who is the father of these kids, is doing enough to support his children? or is he doing the minimum he can get away with while conserving as much income as possible to build a comfy new life while his ex gets to struggle with little earning power and the vast majority of the work of caring for a child who is severely affected by autism? maybe he could be giving enough from his income to allow his children to have a home with a bedroom each, but that would mean sacrificing too much of his own comfort so he is willing to let his daughter have the discomfort instead?

Magda72 · 16/06/2020 06:25

@YinuCeatleAyru - op stated autistic child is dsd's half brother - so is not her dp's child & therefore not his responsibility.
Op - if dsd were my child I would very much see this as an issue so I think your dp is well within his rights to say something. This lack of sleep & lack of privacy is something that could really impact dsd negatively & it's very unfair on her. In all honestly if I were the dm here I'd be sharing with my ds - not expecting my 8 year old to. I'm not being judgmental, jjust stating how I see it.
How often do you have dsd & is having her more an option?

dontdisturbmenow · 16/06/2020 06:44

Lack of sleep is a serious issue that can real implication on health and mental development. It needs to be taken seriously. The problem is you are only hearing it from your dsd right now, who could understandably be exagerating.

Your oh needs to bring it up but without threat or drama at this point. He needs to get info from mum to ascertain if it is indeed serious enough to cause her health issues. If so, he has to front it up with mum. If she reacts defensively he will need to seriously consider going for residency. Is this something you would support him with?

CharmerLlama · 16/06/2020 07:00

Rather than go in all guns blazing with his ex, your OH should approach it with "DD seems to be very tired all the time, what can I do to help the situation?" Alternatively raise it with the school and get them to take it up with the mum.

snitzelvoncrumb · 16/06/2020 07:13

I think it's nice that you care about your step daughter so much. Assuming there isn't an obvious solution there is no point saying anything as what can the mum do? Unless you are offering rent money so she can rent a house with another bedroom I wouldn't rock the boat.

Angelonia · 16/06/2020 07:16

Presumably there's no easy solution at her mum's house (eg a spare bedroom which is currently unused) so the best solution IMO would be to increase the time DSD spends with you where she isn't disturbed in the night. Could you offer to have her for more time (maybe not saying why)?

TheFormerPorpentiaScamander · 16/06/2020 07:17

What's mums housing situation ? Is she renting? Homeowner?
If she rents and claims benefits she would be entitled to the 3 bed rate, although this is often still far less than a house actually costs.

Could you offer to help find a bigger property/the physical moving?
Is she a single parent or with the little boys dad? (Just thinking she might need more practical help if shes a single mum)

Grobagsforever · 16/06/2020 07:20

The critical issue is if there is another spare room available?

The next question is, if not, how can you as a couple support mum financially to afford one, as you've identified it as a priority

YinuCeatleAyru · 16/06/2020 07:57

you are quite right @Magda72 - apologies @vicky46 my questions are probably less relevant, assuming your DP is contributing sensibly to his DDs upkeep.

his ex's situation may give her a reasonably high score of points for social housing, do you know if she has looked into that?

Original poster

vicky46 · 16/06/2020 09:33

@Magda72 see, this is my thought. If it were me, hypothetically I would have my son in with me and give my daughter her own space.
@CharmerLlama that’s a good idea thank you.
To answer the other queries they recently moved back in with DSD grandparents and it’s a 3 bed council property. It’s been their family house for a long time so they wouldn’t all move and I have to appreciate that being with her grandparents and for his ex, her parents, really does lend another level of support she wouldn’t get in her own property.
We would love to have her the lions share of the time to be honest but obviously she loves her mum and it’s not something we would force in any way.... 50/50 wouldn’t help as we’re a distance away so getting her to school would mean just as early mornings for her.
And yes we support her financially of course. As I say moving on her own to a 3 bed would mean losing the support she has. I suppose it’s how we get the suggestion across, could her son share with her and DSD have her own room?
I hate that it’s come to asking strangers for advice but you all seem so helpful and I’ve been at a bit of a loss. At her age she can afford to get any further behind than she is or she may never catch up. She’s a bright kid and I hate to see her struggle. We do bits with her when we have her but hopefully you understand we can’t make her whole time with us about school work .

OP posts:

Original poster

vicky46 · 16/06/2020 09:36

@CBADotCom I think we may have a chat and see what the school think. Once they are back open anyway.

OP posts:

TheFormerPorpentiaScamander · 16/06/2020 09:41

I can see why she wouldn't want to move then! Very tricky, especially if the Mum isn't always open to discussion.

Timeandtune · 16/06/2020 09:42

A few questions here- do the parents own the house? If so would it be feasible to build an extension? There may be some local authority funding for this or possibly charitable funding.
If they rent then that is trickier because they are overcrowded but LA should be able to help with rehousing mum and the children.
Could grandparents move out and let daughter have the house?

aSofaNearYou · 16/06/2020 10:37

I think it's overcomplicating things for people to come up with a load of convoluted ways for them to move houses, as well as obviously overstepping because they probably don't want to. I would either encourage DSD to talk to her mum if she is upset about feeling tired, or your partner could mention it himself in a non confrontational manner, if he thinks she is reasonable enough to not fly off the handle. Just let her know that DSD talks about being tired a lot, don't suggest anything or pass judgment, you can't force her to move rooms but she might arrive at that conclusion herself.

Original poster

vicky46 · 16/06/2020 12:26

@aSofaNearYou yes, maybe if we keep emphasising his she’s always tired that might get through. I hope so anyway!
It’s a council property so no extension and as I say moving may actually be detrimental as they would be losing support in the form of the grandparents.

OP posts:

Timeandtune · 16/06/2020 12:57

Do they have the council’s permission to stay there ? If so it would be worth asking the council to fund an extension.

Chloecoconut · 16/06/2020 17:27

@vicky46 schools are still open so give them a call :)

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/06/2020 17:30

If so it would be worth asking the council to fund an extension

Seriously?

Timeandtune · 16/06/2020 18:18

Yes. I can give you a few examples of where this has been done

Firefliess · 16/06/2020 19:05

My DS (boy/girl) always shared a room at their dad's. There were lots of problems with them both complaining the other had kept them awake until my ex bought a dividing wall thing (like you see in some offices/GPs) That helped a lot as they had more privacy and didn't wake to to each other using phones or lights. Would that be worth suggesting/offering to purchase?

Original poster

vicky46 · 16/06/2020 19:52

@Firefliess, unfortunately I don’t think there is enough room for it (I can’t say for sure though) I think that because they have to have bunk beds as it is. I will ask the question though for sure!

OP posts:

Lynda07 · 16/06/2020 20:06

It sounds as though the children share the smallest bedroom, a single bedroom which you often find in a three bed semi. Presumably mum has a bigger room. I would suggest she goes into the single room and the two children share the bigger one with a removable partition/divider to give privacy.

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/06/2020 20:09

Why doesn’t your DP go to court to get full custody?

Howaboutanewname · 17/06/2020 01:34

Why doesn’t your DP go to court to get full custody?

No such thing as ‘full custody’,

Because the child is happy with her mum? Because her mum is a capable parent? Because circumstances? Because judges don’t change a child’s residence because one parent says so? Because plenty of children grow up in household where one (or more) child has special needs and it isn’t cause to change residence?

I’m sorry, OP but it is clear the ex has moved in with her parents for support and is doing what she can with the room available. You need to be careful you don’t grill the poor child about their living arrangements. They’re really not your business.

If your moving is an option, seeking 50/50 might be away forward?

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