Late pregnancy, DSS, social distancing?

[figsandhoney]

Hello everyone, I wasn't sure what board to post this on so apologies if it would be better elsewhere, I'm just looking for some advice on what to do, if anything about a situation that's come up this weekend. After we picked DSS up yesterday for an overnight stay we found out that for his DMs birthday he went to a birthday meal at a family members house with 11 other people who collectively come from six different households.

I am 39 weeks pregnant and anxious about the prospect of me or OH catching symptoms in the final week/s before due date. I'm just wondering whether people would a) say anything in this situation to his DM, b) put any extra precautions in place re visits before due date and for afterwards when baby is born.

If I'd have known before pick up that this meal had happened part of me thinks I would have said that DSS couldn't visit/stay until after the baby is born. I would feel bad saying this and don't know if I'm overreacting because of a lack of sleep and hormones being all over the place! Any advice?

They are very selfish to have a birthday meal together like that. And to not even keep you and your dp in the loop to give you the choice whether you still feel comfortable with dss coming over due to you being heavily pregnant. That deception and secrecy with no regards for your household is extremely selfish.
No you’re not over reacting. 6 other households is way too many.

I do also think your dp needs to say something to his ex about the lack of social distancing if 1) she wants their son to be safe and because 2) it’s inconsiderate towards your household.

I would be very concerned that they did something so obviously against guidelines and didn't inform you before you picked DSS up, and yes it would have me thinking I couldn't trust her going forward. Your DH needs to have a difficult conversation, I think, and if she doesn't agree to follow the guidelines/keep you abreast of any breaches like this then I would sadly stop seeing DSS for the time being.

Totally agree with @funinthesun19 and @aSofaNearYou

This is poor. Bad for your DSS and now an issue for you.

Making time with and for DSS when a new baby is coming can be hard enough without this in the mix. What’s wrong with these idiots?!

I'm pregnant and relatively relaxed about the whole thing, but at 39 weeks I will be very careful because I don't want the birth complicated by me or DH having to self-isolate because of confirmed or suspected coronavirus. We would both be upset if he couldn't be with me for the birth.

In reality I think the risks are extremely low (only 1 in 1700 cases in the community ie excluding hospitals and care homes) and there is emerging evidence to say that children are less infectious than adults, so the chances of your DSS catching it and passing it on are minuscule. But I do understand why you're upset.

We were told they (ex and DSS) would be going to her DMs house, I'm beating myself up for naively assuming that this would have been socially distanced, outdoors etc., but at the same time I didn't think people would be so inconsiderate. My OH is annoyed because it's obviously put his DS at risk as well as our household.

My anxiety has been so much worse through this pregnancy due in part to previous losses and the current situation we are in, so I feel like I am overthinking/overreacting more than usual, but at the same the rational side of my brain is saying that I am not being unreasonable, I have followed the rules and only have one shot at giving birth to this baby so want it to be with my OH and as safe as possible!

When I get a chance to speak to OH on his own I think I am going to say no more visits until baby is here.

Thanks everyone x

Yanbu at all. I'm with all the pp's. That was an extremely stupid & selfish thing for her to doing knowing dss would then be visiting another household.
Your dp needs to have a stern word with her moving forward. I'm in Ireland & here, as we move out of lockdown, we're being asked to keep our bubbles small so that if there's a 2nd wave contact tracing will be easier - 6 households is way too many & I would be furious if I was you.

I’m with you OP, and in a similar situation. We’re in Scotland and just found out yesterday that DHs ex and DD have been to London this week for a family reunion involving at least 4 households that we know of.(We know she’s been doing as she likes throughout lockdown but stupidly trusted her not to expose DSD like this)
DH chinned Ex and she is going berserk about how he found out/invasion of privacy/DD was told not to tell you etc.
She put it on FB so she’s totally focusing on the wrong things, not least of which is the example to DSD to lie or conceal things from her dad. But I digress.
I am 34 weeks pregnant. I feel like my chest is being compressed and I’m breathless after walking up the stairs. I caught a cold roughly this far on in my last pregnancy and seriously thought I was a goner because of how hard it was to breathe. No way do I want to risk Covid-19 because DHs ex fancied a jolly, so DSD isn’t coming next week as planned. So now ex can’t work. Well tough shit hen, in this case I come first.

@NameChange30 I feel like I have been fairly relaxed until now as well. I keep thinking on the one hand it will be fine but on the other hand there is still a risk no matter how small

@Giespeace good for you for standing up for yourself. We found out that his ex's partner was staying over between his house and their house and although we said something we didn't feel like we could stop it so have already been accommodating. Part of me feels like I've made a rod for my own back but know that if we really kicked off DP wouldn't have seen his DS for months. It's hard enough isn't it without the extra stress.

I am constantly flipping between saying no more visits until the due date - which would only be 3 - or saying socially distanced visits only eg I stay out of the way and DP takes DS to the park, weather permitting, so he can still see him.

Just don't need the extra stress!

@figsandhoney
Well, as I said to DH, I have to put myself and the baby first here because nobody else is going to. His ex, in her wisdom, felt that her actions were the best thing for her child and proceeded on that basis. She can expect no less of any other mother - even ones who are only mothers of the “second family”.
Same goes in your scenario. A healthy end of pregnancy and safe delivery of your baby is your priority and you shouldn’t have to compromise and be exposed to other people’s selfishness like this.

"socially distanced visits only eg I stay out of the way and DP takes DS to the park, weather permitting, so he can still see him."

This sounds like a good compromise.
You could also ask DSS if he would be willing to wear a mask (a lightweight cotton one not full on medical grade) if that would make you all feel safer.

We have had the exact same thing happen this weekend. It was my DSD's mums birthday Thursday and they have family and friends round, no social distancing and hugging and kissing them all. Ex didn't tell us only doing out when one of the child let it slip. I'm 28 weeks pregnant and my anxiety is awful as I had a bad 1st pregnancy with early labour several times. His ex doesn't care though and told my partner he was ridiculous after he queried it.

I don’t think you can reasonably expect your partners ex wife’s family to take into account that an ex has a new pregnant partner so they should change their plans for a birthday celebration. They are free to make their own risk assessments and act accordingly. I don’t think they’ve done anything that terrible personally, lockdown has gone on long enough for many of us now.

Just as they are free to make their own risk assessments, so are you. But also you have to remember that your DP has a responsibility to the child he already has which should still come first. I don’t think you have the right to say no more visits, but if you did and your DH supported you, it would make him a shit father. Visits to other parents homes have been allowed throughout lockdown because it is recognised how important it is for children to continue regular contact with both their parents.

But also you have to remember that your DP has a responsibility to the child he already has which should still come first.
The baby who will be born in the next few weeks is already “a child he already has”.
First child cannot and should not be top priority every single time regardless of circumstances. I certainly won’t be prioritising my first child at the expense of my second, and they both have the same parents!

@NailsNeedDoing

Yes visits between parents have been allowed, but dinner parties with six households have not. It is not OPs partner's fault that his ex has breached lockdown without consulting him, both children are his responsibility and his need to be on hand for the birth of his second child is the greatest in this scenario. It's an incredibly one sided view to call him a shit father for that.

Ah, another thread where the first family child is prioritised over the second - what a surprise!