False promises

[MumandnotMum]

DSC are supposed to have 50/50 between parents. In reality pre lockdown it was every other weekend and one evening after school with their Mum and here with us the rest of the time. They’ve been here every day since lockdown as in their Mum’s words, she was not adhering to any lockdown guidelines, just going about as normal.

They’re going to her for a few day’s and I’m really nervous. They are too. Two of them wet the bed last night. They are expecting lots of things that she promised but haven’t happened and they’re going to be gutted.

I suppose I’m just really frustrated. She just willy nilly pops in and out depending on the flavour of the week and we just have to adhere to what she says she wants. Is this normal? Should we be insisting it stays with us as RP or just accept the constant change of mood because she’s the Mum?

Sorry for moaning. Littlest was sick this morning, and his sister started panicking that he’d been sick on ‘Mummy Day’. Just peeved with the upheaval all the time.

Unfortunately there not a lot you can do unless you go back to court. How old are the children

Why are they so nervous? Have they said? How old are they?

Why are you sending the, back to her? Just keep them.

She has been crystal clear about her priorities Before and during lockdown and her children are among them!

not among them...

How old are the kids OP?

Oh sorry! Eldest is 14, then 10, 9 and youngest is 6.

It’s such a difficult position to be in. She kept putting it off and then wanted them back, and didn’t feel like it was fair to keep them. Nervous of being let down I think, and nervous of what they were going back to. It’s a long time, I think they were worried they wouldn’t recognise anything I suppose.

I’m a mother too, and I couldn’t have done it under those circumstances. But then I could feel the pain of not having them too, so I can understand her wanting them back and I’d never want to deprive them of their Mum.
They were excited (albeit nervous) about going. So It didn’t feel right to not allow it.

It’s hard because she always sells it as it being in their best interests or our best interests. She has a history of being quite hostile and is very rarely honest about anything. I’m worried if we did keep the children “against her wishes” what she would say to them when she was pissed off basically.

She’s due a baby next month so she might drift out when that happens, so got to try and prepare for the emotional upheaval for the children if that happens.

It’s laudable that you see her side but what about the Covid risk? Is she a good mum in other ways? Why do you have to adhere to her ad hoc demands? She sounds like She couldn’t care less, so why pander to her?

Most importantly, the children are nervous about being with her to the extent that two wet the bed. Put them first because she isn’t!

On a whole - no. But day to day, I’m not sure. She doesn’t do Christmas, always promises birthdays but is sporadic and very rarely comes through. Their uniform is never worn when she was having them school day’s (bought by us). She never paid for school trips or bothered with homework, they always missed the discos etc. But then she’ll have a huge surge of showering them with crazy over the top gifts randomly.

We have simply always brushed it aside and filled in the gaps that she missed. Always had them any extra time that she was offering up. They would be devastated I think if we stopped contact, as they have a very free lifestyle with her and do mostly what they want, no restrictions on helping themselves to the fridge, doesn’t mind sweating, in and out the house as they please etc. Or they would act like they weren’t but deep down they hold her in real high regard.

She’s frightened of people’s opinions of her. She has told me in the past that her friend’s think that she doesn’t care because she allows’ 50/50.

Don’t really know what to do about it. I don’t like the idea of withholding them indefinitely as if she took it to court, I don’t like how it would look. Plus I don’t want the kids to hate us.

We’ve been really safe with Covid. There’s been almost 0% risk. It’s going to increase obviously as schools begin to open etc but we’re following guidelines to the letter. She hasn’t, but when she was only risking herself, then whatever.

It sounds like she may be unwell?

Easy to parent with no rules and no school work. But not good for the children.

Your DH needs to protect the children from her extremes of behaviour and get some rules around contact for the mother - ie it’s on this time and date and if you cancel without a really good reason you have to wait to the next time and date, not just turn up when you feel like it.

If this was a dad behaving this way I can’t imagine anyone encouraging you to make life as easy as possible for him.

She said she ‘thinks’ she has a personality disorder.

She loves the baby bit, the attention that it brings and the fuss but once that’s gone she’s onto the next thing. Her life is filled with drama and she thrives off of it.

She always has a good reason is the issue, no petrol, car broken down, hospital appointment, miscarriages. Now it’s because she’s pregnant and she wasn’t bothering with lockdown.

Got to toughen up though, you’re right. She’ll just have to stick to her every other weekend she had before lockdown. I think it’s definitely in the best interests of the kids, they’re probably not going to like it though!

Yes, you’re right. The excitement of her approach is far outweighed by the short and longer-term damage and insecurity it brings.

They are all at ages where they need stability and consistency and they need to be protected from her chaotic life.

What do the children want? As this is what the court would go with.

They wouldn’t say if we asked them. They’re absolutely petrified of saying anything to offend anyone. They cry if they slip up and call me Mum because she’s drummed it into them so much that they’re not to call me Mum (Never have encouraged it, same way they sometimes call me miss on a school day).

Feel sad for them. She had her time and now wants 50/50 back again. Suggested it might not be in best interests as she wouldn’t keep it up. So apparently DH is trying to turn the children against her. Can’t win