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Really struggling with SS

4 replies

Misswilk22 · 06/06/2020 21:00

Hi all,

Really hoping for some advice, so me and my other half have been living together for nearly a year. We have 4 kids between. His live with us full time SD 17 and SS 14. My 2 are 10 and 7, they have regular contact with dad, but Step kids don’t see their and their is a court order in place that they live with dad.
So everything was all good when we moved in but it’s getting worse and worse with SS, his attitude, laziness etc etc.
He won’t eat anything but chicken nuggets, plain pizza, ham but only in a wrap and mashed potatoes, if you try and give him anything else, he’ll storm off saying it looks “Mank” and not eat it. So mealtimes can be quite a Challenge especially since recently my 7 year old is now refusing to eat his dinner as he sees SS not eating his. My other half doesn’t eat any fruit or veg so that don’t help, I always buy fruit and veg and if the kids moan they are hungry then I tell them to eat the fruit.
He’s also quite greedy (if I can call it that) we have a snack box and I’ve always been quite clear that everyone needs to be considerate as there is 6 people in the house now, he’ll eat most of it within a day if I put stuff in there. (I find the wrappers in his room) I’ll ask him about it and he’ll deny it, I’ve since stopped buying for the snack box (chocolate and bits) so I’ve solved that problem and if we get kids treats we buy them individually for them now.
The crisps as well, he’ll eat easily 5-10 packets a day! I’ve even tried hiding some in the garage! He has no consideration for anyone in the house at all. If he makes a cup of tea, I’ll ask him to make me and his dad one, he doesn’t as he’ll either say no or say he didn’t hear me.
He’s constantly on his Xbox, and since lockdown it’s been horrendous asking him to do school work or even go for walk, he won’t leave his Xbox.
His language and attitude is awful and it’s rubbing off onto my 7 year old. My other half definitely over compensates for the fact that mum isn’t on the scene and a lot of the time will say nothing and leave things.
I get the kids to clear table after dinner and load and unload dishwasher, just little chores to help around the house. The meltdowns he has when asked too is getting too much. He’s spent a lot with his grandad who is very much, the wife stays at home to clean and cook and the man go out to work, SS did the washing up one because I asked him too, 10 mins later I get a phone call off grandad saying some awful things about me and my kids because SS washed up and it wasn’t his job to do. But yet I’m the one with 2 jobs as my other half can’t work at the min due to health reasons.
He’ll leave rubbish and cups in his room for weeks, won’t wear anything but branded clothes ( I brought him some primark bits and they are still in his draw with the labels on) was his all his clothes aren’t Nike or river island then he won’t wear it. I try and talk to my other half about it and he’ll have a word with him but within a couple of days it’s back to normal. I’m not sure what I can do, but this is having a massive effect on my 7 year old as he sees him getting away with it so he can as well. I’ve spoke my son and told him just because step son doesn’t mean he can. I just don’t know what else I can do x

OP posts:
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MeridianB · 06/06/2020 21:26

Wow. What is your DH doing to help? How about him shopping, meal planning, cooking and monitoring nutrition for a while? Just for starters.

Your 14yo DSS sounds like a very typical teen. The problem is your DH. He is doing his son no favours by setting no boundaries and failing to back you up.

As DSSs are with you full time, you and DH have to be a team or all the boys will walk over you both.

Is the grandad your DH’s father?

I don’t think there are any quick wins but I’d be putting my foot down hard on all the lazy parenting (And crap grand parenting!) and resetting expectations for everyone, with simple consequences. For instance, a 14yo with no money cannot buy Nike trainers. If he has no Xbox he can’t spend all day on it. A 7yo who leaves lunch has to wait for dinner. Etc etc.

Misswilk22 · 06/06/2020 21:44

Thanks for your reply. My other half is quite good with the housework, cooking etc. He just seems to let SS get away with more then SD. Take tonight for example, we all ate dinner and I asked who was clearing the table after we’d finished. SS said “not me” and went back to his room so then the other 3 were arguing saying it’s not fair as they do things when asked, I asked SS to please help them, got no help so ended up in a argument with my other half. I ended up telling him from now on, he deals with his kids and I’ll deal with mine as I’m fed up with affecting my 7 year old. I just don’t know what else to do.
It was my other half’s dad, for other reasons me and my children no longer have anything to do with him. And to be honest since lockdown neither have they.
I know he’s been been over compensating for mum not being around but how do i get it off my chest without looking like I’m trying to cause a problem?

OP posts:
MeridianB · 07/06/2020 07:42

Does DH ever stay ‘DS it’s your turn to clear table tonight’? Sounds like you need a rota for those things - but only if DH is prepared to step up.

I think you need a serious talk with DH about how his parenting is causing stress for everyone else in the home and risking his son’s ability to be a well-rounded person. Otherwise you have years and years of this and the stress it’s causing,

AllsortsofAwkward · 07/06/2020 11:25

I feel you're pain op I'm mum to a 12 year old and hes attitude quite frankly stinks me and his dad are having trouble at both houses with his behaviour he couldn't believe the way he spoke to him and he said he doesnt know how I do it. Alot of this attitude stems from playing on the xbox. His bedroom ended up being a tip and he refused to clean it clothes everywhere, rubbish everywhere. I wanted to decorated it so I've cleaned it and and sorted clothes out but now I'm putting in measures to prevent the same behaviour continuing. He didnt want to do his chores either or wouldn't do them properly.

I've removed his xbox for the time being ( he thinks I've taken it to the charity shop but I've just hidden it).

Hes getting a chore list that he needs to do.

  • wash the pots or clearing them away Every day.
  • take the bin out for bin day - once a week.
  • maintain a clean and tidy bedroom every day.
-remove weeds from the drive. When required.

If he does these jobs he will get screen time on his phone. His dads doing the same which helps that we are on the same page with things. This is the issue you're dh needs to make changes with you so that you're a team working together. Give all dc a set chore to create fairness, otherwise resentment builds up.

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