DP's kids still not allowed to visit

[DrDetriment]

My DP's ex stopped contact with his children in March and has since then consistently used the corona virus to prevent then from coming here for their court ordered weekends. The children are now back at school but she's still saying they can't come because he has to bring them here by train. It's a quiet train and they would wear masks and keep social distancing etc. Surely if they are back at school it must be ok for them to use public transport or are we being unreasonable? The children desperately miss their dad and we are both worried about the impact that not seeing him has had on them.

That's why I asked how often he has them - if his "weekends" are holiday time only, then the ex wouldn't be making excuses to say they couldn't visit in lockdown, as it wasn't a holiday. And now they're back in school, so they are back to the usual rules.

Zip car? Around £14 per hour to rent one

We have them every weekend and live in London so normally public transport is fine. Neither parent has a car. If it were not lockdown we would have access to another car but it belongs to someone shielding so we can't use it. DP can drive but due to the separation finances he cannot afford to buy, insure and run one right now. Nor could he buy one during lockdown.
Thank you to the poster who acknowledged that I shouldn't have to sell my car. It is the one thing I have from before I became a step mum and I don't want to give it up. I've given a lot to the DC - one of whom lives with us - and I don't want to lose my car too.
Lockdown is the issue. As I said normally it's fine. I totally appreciate the mum's concerns but it feels like she won't discuss or compromise at all. We've tried every option other than public transport - looked at taxis (would be around £40 each way which we can't afford plus close confinement with the driver doesn't seem right), rang around friends to borrow a car but they all live elsewhere and I'm not on their insurance. Mum refuses to borrow a car and insists we collect them and drop them off as usual. It's always been from her place, she doesn't even come half way.
There are always two sides to every story and it was a very acrimonious separation.
I was really after thoughts about whether the train was unreasonable given they are at school, not how we can bend over backwards to please the mum. I'm totally ok with accepting that the train is too risky but I was hoping for a little bit of sympathy as a step parent. It's really hard when the mum won't even discuss things. And yes, making him wait in the rain is nasty. He picks them up at 9.30am in a Saturday and if it's 9.20 when he arrives she makes him wait outside until exactly 9.30 which is the court ordered pick up time.

Can’t your DP borrow your car and see them for a day once a week? Spend a day in the park? Picnic? Long walk? Or as others have said, can’t he rent a car?

Re the courts? The courts are operating to a huge backlog. They are seeing essential cases only (which have increased as a result of abuse in lockdown). The family judiciary released guidelines around court ordered contact during covid. Both parents need to be reasonable.

I think if you went the court route, you’d be hard pushed to get this heard anytime soon. Lockdown will be over by the time it’s heard. And secondly what is it you expect a court to do if it is heard sooner? Force the mother to put the Children on public transport? No court can do that IMO.

Everyone’s concerns/ anxieties around covid are very individual. Would I be putting my lot on trains unless absolutely necessary? No.

I do sympathise with the emotional side of things but personally I would be avoiding public transport, too. I imagine that's one of the last things I'll start using again.

I definitely don't think you should have to change your car, though.

I think you either need to resign yourself to waiting a bit longer, or as others have said, he could use your car to visit them and go somewhere on foot. I suppose the other option, depending on how far away they are, is for him to pick them up one at a time?

Thanks for the suggestions. It's not DPs emotions we are worried about. He is an adult and can cope with not seeing them. We are just both desperately worried at how upset the children have been not seeing him. They keep saying 'mummy says we will die of corona virus' which is a concern as it feels she is infecting them with her fears. Yes we have been rigorously following the guidelines. DP and I, just like the mum, only go out to the supermarket and that's it. No he can't drive my car - it's a manual and he can only drive an automatic. Yes he could see them for a walk if she allowed it but she hasn't responded to his last email with suggestions. No he can't hire a car as he can't afford it. Like many people under corona virus we have very limited income and can just about afford bills and food. We will find a way though. It just seems that the mum used every possible reason to stop court ordered contact and it is very unsettling for the children. It's not the first time.

Can you and DP take the train/drive to spend the day with the children at an outdoor location near their mother's? Picnic in the park?

@MeepleMe if she lets us then we'd love to do that.

OP i think she has a point about public transport, there is no way I'd let my kids on any bus tube train etc in London right now unless it was a complete and utter emergency.

I'd go back to court if i were you.

If it's not far would you picking the kids up one at a time in your 2 seater car be an option?

The car might be the only thing you have from pre step DC, but swapping it is the only thing you need to do to be able to transport them and enable them to see their dad.

I'd take it as a pretty large sign as to how you felt about me if I was your step DC and you chose your car over me.

Oh for god's sake! What a childish comment! OP's car status has nothing to do with neither of these kids' parents having/needing a car!
Op is not their parent.
It is NOT her job to provide transport or anything else for these kids - that's their parents' role.
Yet again on MN it is expected that a sm should sacrifice every last bit of her autonomy & independence to the high alter of the blessed sdc without the parents being expected to sacrifice anything!!!
If op wasn't around both parents would have to sort out & decide how to manage coming out of lockdown BY THEMSELVES!

I disagree @Magda72 but maybe my standards for a step parent for my DC are unrealistically high for which I'm not going to apologise. Maybe I've been lucky in finding a husband who would do anything for my DC, just like I would, whilst accepting they also have a dad who is a huge part of their lives.

I wouldn't be able to be married to someone who had the means to facilitate me seeing my DC but didn't, so that they could keep a particular car.

Being a SP is incredibly tough. The children will, or should, always come first and only a special kind of person can sit comfortably with that.

@Chaotic45 Yes, your standards are unrealistically high.

If he thought a car was important enough to his DC to prioritise, why wouldn't he do so himself. Given that he hasn't, it would be ridiculous of him to judge his partner for not doing so.

The train would put me off too. Far too many pictures of crowded train cars popping up on the news.

Just a thought, but "we would have access to another car but it belongs to someone shielding so we can't use it" - surely they aren't using it right now if they are shielding?

As per PP, can't you swap cars with the person who is shielding? They shouldn't need one, but in case of emergency, will have something.

So @Chaotic45 you are basically saying that only those who put children first are special people?
Well I won't apologise for saying that's both untrue & condescending.
Personally I do not believe that any child should always come first - that creates entitlement & does no child any favours when moving into adulthood. That's my opinion - obviously a lot of people disagree & that's fine.
I'm happy for you (& I mean that) that you have found a family set up that works for all adults concerned - but it's not so easy for everyone. Adults & children come with all variables of personality & past experience & for some people giving up that final piece of 'self' be it a car or anything else (material or non material) is just too much.
I have given up soooo much for my kids & it doesn't always sit well with me as I've lost a lot of myself in the process & in truth I find the sacrifices involved in parenting very hard to stomach sometimes - that does NOT make me a bad person or any less special than you.

So the mother is refusing even socially distanced outdoor walks / picnics?
Yeah, that isn’t acting reasonably. At all.
So are all suggestions just not being replied to?

I'd take it as a pretty large sign as to how you felt about me if I was your step DC and you chose your car over me.

Absolute nonsense.

It is not the OPs responsibility to provide transport for her SC.

If they divorce tomorrow, she wouldn't have any right to see these kids ever again...why would she or should she buy a bigger car for them?

They have 2 parents and neither have a car.

OP.... I honestly wouldn't want my DC on public transport now either.

If she could get back to him regarding a visit on local park that would be good.

@SandyY2K I wouldn't expect my DH to behave towards his stepchildren in a way that is mindful of what would happen if we divorced. Should he only care a little bit because if our relationship failed he might loose contact. Seems a strange way to behave to me. Again protecting yourself over offering unconditional support and love.

I feel that these kids seeing their father is very important. Ongoing separation in this way can be incredibly sad and it can cause lasting damage to relationships. Having the means to facilitate it but not doing so does not sit well with me and certainly won't sit well with the DC.

It comes down where your stepchildren fit in your priorities. I can't blame you if they aren't at the top of your list. But I do think that being a low priority is damaging for them.

@Magda72 sorry that I touched a nerve. I agree that children shouldn't always come first in every single thing but IMO seeing a parent is a pretty massive thing and if sacrifices have to be made to make this happen then they should.

I think most parents find the sacrifices they have had to make hard, and each finds a balance of how many and of which type they should make. But they still make them bAcs use that's what loving parents do- put their kids needs before their own.

Oh come on op, I sympathised until I read you had a self indulgent 2 seater sports car. Why an earth would she let her children risk a train journey (even out of lockdown) when you could swap for a family car?

On MN it is often the case that a step dad is expected to provide for his step children both financially and domestically but a step mother is advised to not get involved.
It is really nice of you to care OP, you sound like a great step mum. Perhaps, the only thing is to return to court and show how obstructive the mother is being about access. Keep a diary about the unhelpful behaviour of the children's mother. Parental alienation is not allowed and the courts will take it very seriously.
Keep fighting for your step children to have regular contact with their father. You are doing the right thing and your step children will be grateful one day.

OP, if your DH pays maintenance, i believe he may be entitled to deduct travel costs like taxis from it. Normally I wouldn't recommend that but it does sound like his ex is being obstructive and as a one off it would be a solution.