Something Stepson said

[HatRack]

I'm engaged to my partner of one year. He split with his ex two years ago.

Last night his 9yr old son got upset, started crying and then told his dad that he's sick of moving between houses (we do 50 50).

What does this mean? And what can we do to help him?

As a former step-child I'd have found 50/50 REALLY hard and I'm so glad that back in the 1980s it was normal for DC to have a main home (usually with the DM), and spend EOW with the other parent. Shuttling between two homes is fine in theory and 'fair' to everyone involved in terms of physical contact, but not having a proper home? Having to constantly be packing up and going back and forth? I'd have really hated that and been very resentful about it. My advice if you want to maintain a good relationship with him? Listen to him, ask him what he finds hard about the current arrangement, and try to find ways to minimise help him, because if he's finding it hard at nine I doubt it will get easier.

About a 15minute drive apart

IMO, it's not the distance but not feeling a sense of being 'home' because he's feeling unsettled for some reason. It may well be something that has an easy solution but a 9 year old might not know there's an easy solution!

I think it's important to get to the bottom of the issues as it depends what he values and what he associates with 'home' and security as to why he's feeling unsettled.

I agree with PPs that duplicating all his stuff might help, and making sure he's at the right house at on the right days for the stuff he wants to do (so he doesn't miss out on movie night at mum's or a neighbour kid visiting their dad on certain weekends near his dad's, for example).

Is he in a set routine where it's the same days each week or does he feel like he never knows where he's going to be? If he's feeling all over the place, a calendar might help so he knows where he's going to be when.

Has it caused issues with arranging stuff with friends? That would be a huge deal to a child.

My DC used to get really upset with not being able to bring gifts, clothes or toys etc home from their dad's (he's an arse so different issue) - sometimes it can be a pain to pack everything they want to take (especially when he's coming back in a few days), but is he able to move his stuff freely between his homes?

I think the key is to work out what's important to him and address those issues - it might be something completely random that's an easy fix so I wouldn't get carried away with thinking about changing the arrangements until you've got to the bottom of it.

I felt the same when I was a child, but I only went to my dads every two weeks. It’s hard to get so for table somewhere then have to move. Personally I preferred my mum’s (my main home’ because my room was more comfortable, I had all my clothes and helpings etc. However my dad didn’t buy me any clothes to have at his and also didn’t have much food in so that added to it. Each house a definitive ‘atmosphere’ and children will usually prefer the more laid back home. It sounds like he just gets fed up of being uprooted, if you have made his room as comfortable as possible and made sure he has lots of clothes games etc and are laid back and welcoming I wouldn’t take it personally. Try to imagine if you had to split your life between two homes, it would get to you too.

Widow not window. lmao

Yes is Agree with people saying to make sure everything he has is duplicated at your house and he is free to bring and take things to and from each home.

When you say laid back, what do you mean?

Op, it’s actually not the best thing for a child’s development. That article was written nearly 3 years ago and was based on research done years before that, and it’s based on one persons opinion. It became popular at the time of fathers rights to start splitting children between homes 50/50 as that was considered fairest. The vast majority of psychologists who agreed with this has since completely backtracked. New research shows that children in joint physical custody do worse than any in other arrangements. And either way, it’s not about what a psychologist that’s never met you or the child thinks, YOUR CHILD is actually telling you that this situation is unbearable for him. You need to listen to him without becoming defensive or trying to pull up statistics of why you think it’s best to ignore a child that’s been reduced to tears over his current living situation

Yes, that seems to be the language the kids use

It’s also societal expectation. We had about 30/70 until about 11. Sdc was looking at secondaries, and wanted the one 10 mins walk away from us. They were happy to move in with us m-s, and see mum and sdad sat eve- sun. They also had a hobby fri and sat that dad supported, mum didn’t.

Until everyone started saying it would devastate mum, dad was only doing it to avoid paying etc. Then mum kicked in with the guilt, was she such a bad mum, no one elses child wanted to move out, telling dad there was no way she was paying maintenance “paying to have her child taken off her” was how she put it. Things like needing to bring washing home every weekend for mum to do ffs.

We stayed neutral and eventually loyalty to mum won. Mums are seen almost exclusively as being able to meet a childs needs, dads are useless fuckers really.

Ended up with a 2 bus journey to secondary as far away from ours as possible. And unfortunately it had quite a big effect on dad/child relationshiip.

Wow 40Newname12. That's depressing

Regardless of what a study says, that doesn’t mean it’s best for you DSS. Have you asked him what he would like? Maybe he’d rather spend more time at yours and have yours as a base. You’ve assumed he wants to spend less time with his dad but that may not be the case.

Please don’t take this to mean that the child doesn’t want to see his dad. Getting defensive and hurt by his thoughts will cloud your judgement when making the best decision for him. Whilst on paper, the study you quoted said it’s better for children to have 50/50, that doesn’t mean it’s the best thing for each child.

I have taught at secondary level for over 10 years now and the most unhappy children from divorced parents are the ones who have 50/50. That isn’t to say it doesn’t work for some or that they genuinely are the most unhappy, they’re just the most vocal about their frustrations as it affects their day to day life. Having to pack up your life every week (school books, clothes, toys as children, makeup/hair products/bags, shoes etc.) is extremely difficult. Whilst some parents swear blind that this isn’t the case, most times children don’t have two sets of everything. It’s not something they want either. They have their favourites of everything, be it a jumper or shoes and they want those specific ones... so every week they get packed up and transported to the other house. Whilst a lot of children say that they have two homes and are very happy with that, they would prefer to have a place to go back to every night and to keep all of their stuff. When it comes to school books, these children fall into two categories; the ones with the huge bags as they have to carry everything for every subject so they don’t forget something and then the ones annoyed and apologetic as they’re in trouble for forgetting their book again as they left it at mums or dads.

If I’m honest, the happiest children I’ve taught are the ones who are every other weekend with a parent but have full flexibility in the week and so go to dads after school and for dinner a few days a week on the day’s they want to and then go back home to mums to go to bed.

I am not a parent navigating divorce so my opinions are based solely on the communication with teenagers I’ve taught. They are often unhappy or torn as they don’t want to express what they actually need to make them happy as they are worried about hurting the other parent.

Please let your partners son express what he would like for his life and try not to take it personally. You may need to be flexible for him. This also doesn’t mean that the other children will decide the same or that any of them are unhappy at dads house.

What are the living arrangements at each house? Do DH's children have a room each at their mums but sharing at yours? Maybe your SS is unhappy with the practicalities of the living space?

I think sitting down with him and listening is the best thing. Try to find out what it is, don't make him feel bad if it's less time at Dads that he wants.

Quick thoughts because I'm 'at work' - I think you're interpreting the scant research with a little bias here.

Joint or shared care doesn't necessarily mean 50/50. Most research on the subject refers to children doing best when parents co-operate well and the child has overnights in both homes i.e. shared care. This doesn't mean the share has to be half and half. There is little evidence that exactly 50/50 is the best way to go and the research that there is seems to be about younger dc.

Older children/teens prefer having one base that's 'home' and having regular close contact with the other parent. That doesn't mean 2 duplicate homes.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/divorced-children/200905/joint-physical-custody

I never did 50/50 but the idea of it would have definitely not have been something I'd have wanted growing up!

I stayed at my mums Monday to Friday then on a Friday after school I went to dads and came back on Sunday evening so I'd sleep at mums the night before school and also went to dads for almost the whole of the summer holidays and big chunks of other holidays. Christmas was year about.

It worked really well for us as siblings because we spent a good almost 3 days (2 nights) a week with dad plus longer stretches during the holidays but for school we were based in one place.
Also we didn't have to drag lots of stuff as we had clothes and toiletries and different toys (not the same toys but we had dad stuff and mum stuff) or other belongings etc at both houses we would take a few things if we specifically wanted to but mostly it wasn't necessarily needed.

They worked really hard to make it work for us and are needs (without letting us play them of each other though!) and were flexible if for example one of us had a project we weren't made to feel bad about being a day late or missing one weekend but equally within reason if in the summer we wanted to go back to mums for a couple of days because it had been a while and we missed her they didn't make a big deal out of it.

What was your partners response? When did he move in, it is recent as you mention you have been together a year.

He may just need more time at home, allow the schedule to be flexible, if that is acceptable to both parents. Contact has to change over time as children's needs or circumstances do not remain the same.

By secondary age they seem to need more time in one place as that facilitates school, friends and catching up on sleep.

What is the schedule now?

They dont transfer stuff between households. His favourite thing is at both houses.

SM here. DSD comes every other weekend and there's flexibility in terms of her coming round during the week (15 min journey time between here & Mum's). FWIW she does view her Mum's as home but she calls ours home when she's here.

What's helped is her having her own room, a place to keep her clothes and have a space to go off to when she needs it. Some of the Christmas gifts we've bought (games consoles, for example) duplicate the things she has at her Mum's. So there's continuity.

She doesn't seem jealous of DD being here full-time; she enjoys coming here for a few days then likes to shoot off home.

I think, as PPs have said, try not to get defensive. If he's open to a conversation about it, ask him what he needs to feel more comfortable and if that's more time at his Mum's, it's tough but you have to accept it.

OP, the study you cited, though interesting, only looked at pre-school children.

@HatRack

They dont transfer stuff between households. His favourite thing is at both houses.

You seem to be trying to undermine everything that he might have as an explanation. You say "his favourite thing" rather than things. Maybe he just wants to wear a particular shirt. Can you imagine living in two different places? How many coffees might you make in a day, that could be stymied because the thing you want is in the other house?

You arm determined to say that he had no valid reason for how he feels.
I would absolutely HATE to be a 50:50 kid. Some people just need the security of their own nest. He doesn't have to justify that to anyone.

Coffees? Choices!!! FFS, autocorrect.

I know his mum lets the kids stay up till midnight, which is not something we find appropriate.

A year in, I’m not sure you get to decide what is appropriate. If his dad doesn’t like it, he should speak to the mum.

Studies show that 50 50 is best for children's psychological development

The study definitely will not show this is what’s best for every child all the time. It won’t show it is best for a child who has openly stated they do not want to do it any more. If the child is miserable, what his parents want is not relevant.

FWIW she does view her Mum's as home but she calls ours home when she's here.

FWIW I’m mid 40s, moved away from my parents house 20 years ago (which they moved to when I was an adult and I lived in for about 3 years). I still call it home. They still call my room my bedroom.

@MintyMabel Me too! As an adult I've always split my time between two towns and call both home. My DSD has a fantastic Mum; similarly she gets on great with her Dad and I. Whilst she says things like "I've left my coat at home" when she's with us, home is ultimately where her Mum is, and we're all cool with that.

@HatRack, I have 3 kids who were aged 13, 8 & 4 when their dad & I split. Exh wanted 50/50 & both older kids said absolutely not & were listened to. We had a every Wednesday night, every Friday night & every 2nd Saturday arrangement & to this day my middle guy who is now 18 really dislikes even this. He loves his dad & sm & half siblings but has always struggled with moving between two houses & has had counselling to reduce his anxiety around this. He's a very well put together young man but just likes having one secure base. Some people/kids are just like this & it should be respected. I always felt that not pushing him towards eow & midweek would hurt his sense of belonging in his dad's new family & hence the counselling, but there is no way I would have let exh push his 50/50 agenda on him - it would have been a disaster.
He now sees his dad regularly but in his own way & doesn't always do overnights.