Something Stepson said

[HatRack]

I'm engaged to my partner of one year. He split with his ex two years ago.

Last night his 9yr old son got upset, started crying and then told his dad that he's sick of moving between houses (we do 50 50).

What does this mean? And what can we do to help him?

It's certainly good for children to have equal input from both parents but that doesn't necessarily mean they have to spend an equal amount of time staying in each home. In any case, that will naturally change as the child gets older, they will choose to be where they have their social life.

I don't see this as a big deal. If the boy wants to stay at mums more at the moment, there's no reason for him not to. It doesn't mean he does not love his dad, just that he's more comfortable at his mother's house. In time he'll be wanting more male/dad input so don't worry about it.

I have to say I see no reason why a boy of his age has to go to bed early - you haven't said how early - especially at the moment.

Where do you and your partner live? Has the DSS had to move into your house in the past few months? Or do you and your DP live apart? It is awfully soon to be moving in with you if you have only been dating a year. My children would never move on with life after that short a time - I think you and your DP are expecting too much of your DSS. Also, child psychologists do not recommend 50:50 living arrangements as these are too disruptive to children. Imagine having to pack up all your things every 3 days to move about. It is too much for the child. Perhaps for once your DP could be a responsible parent and listen without prejudice to his child's wishes? And perhaps you could support him in this.

You have only been in a relationship with his father for one year and already engaged and mixed households. The DC isnt liking it.....

@HatRack

I think your DP should have a conversation with your SS when he's calmer and ask him why he doesn't feel good about 50/50 anymore, then you'll have a better idea of whether it's a serious issue that should merit changes or whether he's just got the hump.

EG, if he doesn't like it because it's too long without seeing the other parent, then that may be something that worth making changes for. BUT if it turns out it's something like he has other toys he wants at his mums and he gets a bit bored at yours, then your DP can sort a solution with him in that he can bring more things back and forward or whatever.

Unless it's an ongoing issue, I really wouldn't make any changes off the back of this one conversation. He is only 9 - if he was 14 I'd be saying something different, but at 9 it's a big change to make based on one outburst.

My SS is 10 and if it was up to him he would live with us in our small flat rather than live with his mum and sister, but it's not because there's a real problem, it's just because he enjoys his time with his dad.

PS. Just to add, my SD is 6 and she literally would NEVER come to her dads if she had the choice. She even cries at most handovers, even though there is only usually one day where she doesn't see her mum (Saturday, picked up on the Friday, dropped off on the Sunday).

When asked why it's just because she 'misses mummy', we don't have a garden and she 'doesn't have all of her things' - even though she brings SO much stuff with her, most of which she doesn't even get out of the bags they came in for the whole time she's with us.

I can totally understand preferring being where you consider 'home', but unfortunately this is the nature of having separated parents. I'd say that maintaining a strong relationship with both parents and spending proper time with each is more important than some short-lived upsets from time-to-time.

This could be down to a lot of factors.

1. you’re engaged to your partner of a year and I assume from your posts that you’re living together. With your children there. Is it your home? Your fiancés home? As an aside, that’s a lot of change for a child to go through. And whilst children can ‘get on’, does this child want to spend 50% of their home life with them?
2. What is the mother’s set up? Is it similar? Is she co-habiting? Or does the SC have quiet time there? Is she in the family home that child has known?

I have a 60/40 set up with my exh and it works for a variety of very specific reasons (which most divorced parents wouldn’t be happy with I think). Would my children be happy with one week on/ one week off? No. But the way my exh and I split weeks is 3 nights him/ 4 nights me. Neither of us is co-habiting with a partner/ partners children.

If we were, I guarantee that would impact the arrangements we have.

I had a 50/50 arrangement as a child and I didn't have a home in my opinion. As an adult I can't be away from my home for more than about 4 nights before utterly horrific home sickness sets in which really affects our ability to go on holiday, visit family etc. Please listen to your SS and your DP should be discussing other arrangements with his ex.

but unfortunately this is the nature of having separated parents

The failure of her parents’ relationship isn’t something a 6 year old just has to suck up and get on with. It’s up to the parents to change to make sure no further damage is done to the child.

My nephew couldn’t cope with being split between two homes when he was 5, so his parents kept relationship up by his dad coming round and spending time where he was, going out places with him either together or dad took him out. He eventually settled down and did weekends but at that age it was just too much for him to cope with.

He's not 6, he's 9 but even so I think his current needs should be respected. He'll appreciate that when he is older and looks back.

You have only been in a relationship with his father for one year and already engaged and mixed households. The DC isnt liking it.....

I agree. It's all very quick. He split with his Ex 2 years ago...a year after you're now living together.

So the SC have gone from parents together, to dad with new GF, living together and she has kids too. It's an awful lot and can create a feeling of being unsettled.

There's no consideration by the adults in allowing the children time to adjust to the split, never mind anything else.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

FWIW mine moaned about having to pack a bag, remember all their uniform, take toys, laptops etc just for a single night at their dad’s house! If yours are having to do that but with more stuff and more forward planning, it’s not surprising he’s had enough. It’s a pain living out of a suitcase. If you can find ways to make it less hassle for him, give him flexibility (when life is back to normal, to invite friends over etc) maybe he will feel better about it?

This, exactly, we had it too and it started around this age. I totally sympathise and wouldn’t want to do it either. Weekdays were the pain points (for DC) so we extended weekends to start on Friday after school and it all helped.

DH was sad but he was very brave about putting DC first.

Oh and by the way, @HatRack, your DSS deserves praise for telling you and being honest. I think that is a very hard thing he did and it sounds like he has shown great maturity.

Its what his son needs....
Not what studies show...
......
If youve been together only a year, and if you are living together already
I think it's hard on him, as its so new and already all so "combined"

If you dont live together, are you always there when he has his children?

Does he get any alone time with his dad?

Some children cant cope with 50/50 and it really is an individual thing

One of my DS's friends did 50/ 50. He used to walk past my house on his way between houses. He hated it because of having to lug his homework, PE kit, clothes etc back and forth. This was in year 7 and there was detention if anything ever got forgotten. I felt sorry for him.

As the others say it's time to listen. He might prefer a different pattern of contact or he might try it and decide that he'd like to go back to 50/50.

It's very positive that he was able to tell his Dad how he was feeling.

I agree with the others that his life has changed beyond belief in a short amount of time and he might need a time out (calm) and stability for a bit so he can catch his breath.

We've had this recently OP but the other way around, as in they want to stay here more than 50/50 and don't want to go back to their mums. We have tears everytime they go back. We asked them what they wanted. One said 'Every day here'and the other 'A decade here and a day at mums'
We've made it clear they need at least the same amount of time with their mum and they need to go back.

Why though Sissy if they are so vehemently against it? I cried every Sunday before I had to move houses and my parents did nothing about it. It destroyed my trust in them.

Also what are their reasons for wanting to live more with you, have you gone into that with them?

Just to add in another point of view. I live in France and here 50:50 is the norm. It seems to work perfectly well and while I appreciate this is anecdotal evidence, people’s aversion to 50:50 in the U.K. is not based on any evidence anecdotal or otherwise.

Have you asked him what he would like to do instead? Ask him directly and listen to what he says. He might say that it was a throw away comment, or he might have reasons for being unhappy which can be addressed or it might be best to rethink contact arrangements or he may have reasons that are not serious.

You can pull out juts as many studies that say it isn't best. No two children are the same. Some thrive in a 50/50 setting, some don't. If the child is comfortable enough saying they want a change then they should be listened to. We currently do 50/50 and it works. If there cake a point it didn't, and the reasons were valid, then I would move to change it.

I’ve skimmed though the posts but can’t see how the 50/50 arrangement works. Is it week on week off? We have 50/50 of my DSS (13 + 17) and they do week on week off. They get (or got!) dropped off by one parent at school on the Monday morning and collected by the other on Monday afternoon. Both DH and I have had jobs away where we had to drive back on a Sunday evening and remember that feeling of dread. We didn’t want DSS to feel like that having to move every sunday so that’s why we decided on Mondays. It has worked fine for us luckily. However if DSS said it was too stressful we would have respected that as well. It is a lot to move constantly and I think some kids would struggle with it. It’s absolutely nothing personal to you and DP I would imagine, and it’s natural for kids to gravitate towards wanting to live with their mum, especially at 9.
I would let him come up with an arrangement he’s happy with but with the option of returning to 50/50 if he wanted.

I had this set up as a child/teen & it was a nightmare. We were 50/50 with my parents & they lived less than 5 mins from each other. We would stay at my dads 2/3 times during the weekdays then 1 night at the weekend & could choose where we wanted to stay whenever we wanted. Living out of bags was horrible & as a teen I often forgot chargers, laptops, school shoes (many a times running to my mums at 830 on the way to school), etc. Once I was settled & at my dads for a few days I loved being there but then the upheaval of moving all my stuff again to go back to my mums to know I would have to do it all over again in a few days!

Has your DP sat down & asked his DS what the root of the issue is? As I chose to stay less & less with my dad we spoke & I explained it was more the logistics than actually spending time with him, our solution was to have 2 or back ups of everything so if things were forgotten it wasn’t such a big deal (please remember I was a teenager, forgetting my straightener/makeup was soul destroying lol)

Sorry for the late reply op. When I say laid back I mean my mum let me do what I like, didn’t put social pressures on me or make me go somewhere I didn’t want to go (for example a party for someone I didn’t know, I had social anxiety and my dad just did not get it). I was also able to cook my own food whereas my dad wouldn’t let me and was also very strict with not being allowed snacks etc. I’m sure you’re not being overly strict or controlling. Even little things like having a specific brand of food at both houses might help. I think it’s best to ask him what he meant in a totally kind, non confrontational way or ask him how you can make your home more comfortable for him, have some suggestions ready to help the conversation flow as many teenagers will just shut down

Yes, there are just as many if not more studies to say that 50/50 is very much not best.

But that doesn't even matter. Every child is different. Your partner's son is TELLING his father what he needs, and that this isn't working for him.

He would be wise to listen.

So was this his way of saying he wants to see his dad "less"? (All his friends and school is at his mams). That's so sad. His dad tries so hard to be a good parent.

You CANNOT think of it this way - hopefully his dad doesn't either. It isn't about your partner - it's about his son's needs.

Is it really so hard to understand? Just imagine for a moment if you were legally required to live between two houses. Every week, a move. Every week, packing your overnight bag back and fro. Feeling disjointed and unsettled because you just don't like it, you just want to sleep in the same freaking bed every night for a change - and then guilty too because you're automatically saying by not liking it, it must mean you don't want to be with the parent whose home is less 'central', when that's not it at all.

That's huge stuff for a 9 year old to process. He's done so well to be able to articulate this to his dad.

And the thing about there still being a 'main' home. Well yes, that's another really quite cruelly hard thing about 50-50 because - there is always, mentally, going to be a 'home' which is a single place because that's how humans think. For it to be truly 50-50, you are actually asking a child to have no fixed home, no one place - because both need to be equal. Mentally, how hard is that?! - For example, think about when you last went on holiday somewhere lovely. You loved being away. Fab time. Then you come home and you flop down and, ahh, HOME.

You, his dad, his mum, all of you have that one home location and you're asking him to not have that, mentally.

If your partner is smart enough to listen to his son and work to give him what he needs, then that will probably cement their closeness about a million times more than pulling a sad face about 'not wanting to see dad as much' and making him keep bouncing back and fro, back and fro.

Yes, there are just as many if not more studies to say that 50/50 is very much not best.

Can we have some links please?

It's somewhat ironic that the many posts affirming this are, esentially, anecdotal thus far!

i mean, I'm not saying 50:50 is actually superior but, you know, at least we have a study we can actually read as opposed to you've got to take my word for it".