At wits end

[nurserynurse97]

Me and my parter have been together for 4.5 years. He had two young kids I have none.

Sees kids every 2nd weekend and sometimes weekly too.

I have no problem, and to be quite honest absolutely love them to bits but recently their behaviour has me questioning my sanity.

If children are on their own with me, kids are good as gold, we get on perfectly and they are the best kids imaginable. As soon as me and Dad are together, it's war. They constantly ask for things to eat, to the point I have to remind Dad that it would make them psychically sick if they eat anymore/won't eat their supper. Eldest will ask me and if the answer is no, will ask Dad and then sticks tongue out/laughs. It's petty I know but it absolutely infuriated me.

Eldest child is in primary 3 but won't go to bed on own. Has to have bag of crisps juice, tv and tablet and even then will cry for Dad to sleep beside her. Never does this with me and goes to bed without even asking.

I know kids are smart and they put us against each other sometimes without noticing but it's causing arguments as he says I'm too hard on them.

When we got together we made the decision we would be equal, would discipline together and always agree. Mum and partner agree and do the same also. Spoke to Mum and she says she never does it with them and is fully sympathetic with the situation. I know the way I would bring up my children and it's not to spoil them. And before anyone says anything, yeah, I know they aren't my kids.

Is it ridiculous to be angry with children's behaviour and talk to DP about it or am I just being unreasonable to the situation. Also has anyone been through the same?

TIA

As in any household - step dc or not - both adults need to be on the same page. If you have said no then df needs to back you up..

It sounds like the kids’ mum despairs at her ex’s lazy parenting too. Who puts a child to bed with a packet of crisps?

You’re not being unreasonable in the least. Do you think your DP is likely to listen to (totally justified) criticism of his poor parenting?

@sporadicnamechange

I do think he's a good father. And I'm not defending him at ANY point but he says himself he does it for the easy life and he doesn't want them to think coming to ours is a bad thing. I on the other hand think there still needs to be a routine in place to ensure it runs smoothly. I do remind myself quite often I'm not in fact a parent and don't really have the right to question him. But you are right, if I had asked my mum for crisps at bedtime she would have sent me to bed without even a reply!😂

I agree with you and I also sympathise. My DSS acts up alot more when dads here then when I'm on my own because dad allows him to ( but nowhere near what you've described). Equally he feels guilty about being a part time parent.
Having said that you need to have a Frank conversation about boundries with you DH. No playing parents off each other. If one parent says yes / no to something the other one agrees. And he needs to step up and say no to his kids. The two of you need to sit down and go through the diffrent scenarios and come up with solutions how to handle them.
As previous poster said a year 3 kid shouldn't be going to bed with a screen and crisps. My year 3 DSS goes to bed with his book - thats all trey need.

The bedtime thing is ridiculous and he needs to grow up and realise he is a parent and not a friend who needs to please at every opportunity to get his kids to like him!

But our boys (DSS, 9 who has ASD- full time with is and no contact with his mother and DS5) do the exact same when we are together but is getting better as they get older.

Angels when it is just me or my husband but when we are all together it would become a nightmare. I started dreading when we had a day off together.

The only way to get out of it is to parent together. Make sure if they ask for something you check with the other parent that they haven't already said no, talk to them and ask why they do this, it got to a point tHt they were disciplined if they asked one of us something and then came directly to the other. Their behaviour was just a nightmare with both of us too.

Our boys just gradually got better when they realised they weren't getting what they wanted. I remember how frustrating this was 24/7 so you have my sympathy!

My dc went nc with exh due to lack of parenting.. Their words.
He has seen them at 2 funerals in 4 years.

@windyatthebeach

I don't think it's at that stage 😳 but that's really sad none the less.

It's hard and I do think understandable that your DP wants them to be happy at his when he doesn't see them that much. But obviously crisps and juice in bed are not OK! Maybe you and DP can agree in advance what treats are OK - eg a hot chocolate before bed downstairs before brushing teeth or 2 stories with Dad and a long cuddle. Then you can stick to the script - no crisps but you can have a hot chocolate downstairs.

In terms of the daytime eating, I've seen people do little snack baskets where you put the DCs snacks for the day in their basket and once they are gone, they are gone. Or give them some change and they have to "buy" snacks (draw up a "price list") from you with it through the day.

I think the key is to agree limits with your DP - compromise where you don't agree and make sure you're both on the same page for any issues that arise regularly.

It's hard and I do think understandable that your DP wants them to be happy at his when he doesn't see them that much.

I’m not sure I agree with this.

The thing about parenting is that it’s often not fun. You have to be the bad guy that insists on manners and good behaviour and going to bed and such like. Sometimes it means spending the whole weekend enforcing boundaries and consequences for crappy behaviour. And you do that so that things improve and the kids know where they stand. It’s not fun, but it’s what all parents do.

Just because you don’t see them all the time, doesn’t mean than you should opt out of the crappy bits of parenting so you can just do whatever makes the kids happy in the moment (with no thinking about their long-term wellbeing).

It’s especially annoying when so often it’s fathers opting out of actual parenting in favour of being a super fun Disney dad who never moderates screen time, buys toys all the time, and lets them live on crisps, sweets and chocolate. In many of these cases, the mother (who also doesn’t get to live with her children all the time) is stuck doing all the boring and unpleasant parenting while her ex plays the martyr about how he doesn’t get to see the kids and compensates by taking the line of least resistance.

It’s even more annoying when these men are also happy for their new partners to take over the ‘bad guy’ duties and try to improve the children’s behaviour. Because often these same men complain about how they want the kids to: eat their dinner, tidy their rooms, brush their teeth, go to bed on time (so he can get his evening of peace) and so on. But somehow don’t see it as their responsibility to do all the things that make these things happen.

I should mention that his EX and EX MIL often tell me how she doesn't like coming to the house because I'm 'mean' and 'bully' her. I'm very patient so even when I'm extremely peeved off with her, I still remain calm. If he dad leaves, she's screams bloody murder until he comes back. Sometimes he has to be away from 6:30 onwards some nights so I'm left to bedtime and if she decided she doesn't want to go to bed then that's it. I've been in the situation where she's been in her room screaming and I've sat on the sofa and cried. I don't see this as Dads fault because I accept part responsibility for it but at the same time, don't want her getting a row the morning after because it won't add up. I want to be able to deal with them on my own but at the same time just wish she would cut me a break. I know what kids are like but sometimes it's just playing up for the sake of winding me up.

Massive respect for any Mams with their kids at home during lockdown, on your own or with a partner. 💜

This is so often the problem for stepmums. Your partner leaves you with the kids but without any authority to actually look after them. And your MIL and his ex exacerbate that.

It’s be like dropping your child at nursery with the expectation that the staff there should have no right to intervene in their behaviour whatsoever. And yet, they should still have managed to ensure that your child has eaten lunch, had a nap, been out to do something fun and so on. It’d never work. And it’d be bad for the child too, because they wouldn’t benefit from clear, consistent boundaries, consequences and expectations.

Any kick off at bedtime I would insisting her df gets home and deals with her.. Bet he starts parenting when it affects him.

@SporadicNamechange I'm not saying he's right or that he doesn't need to step up - just that I understand the urge to keep children happy in the moment when you don't have much time with them. He needs to work against that urge and I totally agree that he needs to change things. The children will be happier when they have and understand the boundaries. I find it helpful to understand where my parenting behaviour is coming from before trying to change it.

Honestly I would have one last chat with my partner to agree some ground rules and work together. If you can’t or he doesn’t stick to them I would take a massive step back. He can’t give you the responsibility of looking after his children, but with no say on the rules. That’s taking the piss.

He wants to stuff them with snacks all day? Not your problem. If they are sick he can clear it up.

He wants to send them to bed with crisps and juice? Crappy parenting but not your problem. He can clean out the crumbs/pay the dentist bills when they get bad teeth.

He is away at bedtime? Bedtime can wait until he’s back. You’re not his unpaid nanny! I actually would say he’s not to leave them with you and make different arrangements for whatever he’s doing.

Stepping back is not easy, particularly when you care about the children but from experience (albeit less extreme than your situation) it is much easier than stressing about things you can’t control/have no say over it.

DSD has a tablet without parental controls on. Personally I wouldn’t allow that as I think it is dangerous - she’s still in primary school. Her mum and dad both think it’s fine so I have to remind myself it’s not my responsibility - they are responsible for her and have made the decision. I won’t let her use my electronics without parental controls, but that’s where my “say” ends. Life’s too short to get wound up about other people making what we see as crap parenting decisions.

Stepping back is freeing. And often you’ll find the parent then steps up to the plate as they don’t have to to be “bad cop” for them.

Start thinking “not my problem”. It’s not the same as not caring, but realising it’s beyond your control.

*They don’t have you to be bad cop.

Have spoken to DP this morning re constant eating and bedtime. Have agreed to use snack baskets and nothing after tea time. He's apologised and said he didn't realise it was as bad until I mentioned it.

Has agreed to back me up and understands I don't want to step back and be in the background. Also mentioned the attitude that comes from his eldest is totally off limits now. (If she doesn't get her own way, she nips me and denies it, tips things out then blames her sister. Just trying to get reaction.) DP has promised it stops being ignored and harsher discipline introduced. Will see if it actually comes off this weekend!

Good luck for the weekend!