Stepsons visits

[Myal]

I've worried as a SM to ask for advice here for fear of being flamed but here goes...please can I ask if I'm being completely irrational here?

DH and I have a daughter who's 3 and SS is now 14. We've been together for 6 years and have had our fair share of ups and downs, namely to do with DH having a breakdown and being unemployed since last year.
Just before lockdown, we found out through DH ex that SS had secret social media accounts where it emerged through messages he was sexually active, involved with drugs, drink and even carrying a knife because he was retaliating against another boy.
Whilst he admitted to some things, my biggest issue was how he spoke about one particular girl he'd slept with. Its was completely disgusting and he openly discussed her 'ability' at satisfying him.

His parents and myself and his SD were absolutely shocked. No one had any inkling he had this other persona and whilst a small number of things would be typical teen behaviour, things like this completely changed my feelings towards him. For me, I feel like he's completely crossed boundaries.

His mum reached out to his school but because of lockdown, counselling and mentoring is limited.

We've all agreed to find support and have a soft intervention with no access to social media and then when he returns to school, to continue to monitor him but if he slips back with that crowd or gets into any kind of trouble then it's a harder intervention.

Whilst his mum talked to him, he admitted he manipulates his dad, my DH.

So DH and I have spoken, I've asked him to be a parent and not his friend and be harder on him considering the circumstances.

He stayed with us last weekend for the 1st time since lockdown and completely acted up making snidey comments towards me and his Dad and defied anything we suggested.

It was a really stressful weekend and I sighed a breath of relief when it ended.

My DH is soft, had absolutely no discipline in his childhood and his mum still makes excuses for her two boys and now grandson with the typical 'boys will be boys comment'.
And my DH has made no move into finding him any counselling and I feel continually makes excuses for his sons behaviour.

So, hes just sprung on me he wants him to come over earlier this week and stay longer. And I couldn't help but blurt out that the visits are becoming even more stressful. I don't feel comfortable with him being around my daughter. I get he is her brother but he literally showed how he didn't know right from wrong with recent behaviour and I just can't shake that off.
Dh has gone off in a strop but I feel I need to stand my ground here.

Sorry for a long read but have I been completely irrational?

No you haven't been irrational. Your DD is your priority - l wouldn't want my 3 year old to have such a negative influence around her if l was you. My gosh though he is 13 and in that sort of trouble already? Let your DH sulk - l would imagine he knows you are right and that is why he is in a mood. When my stepson used to come and stay, l was always of the opinion it is our home so he needs to live by our rules - honestly think he appreciated the boundaries we put in place - no grey areas, just black and white. Your DH needs to rein this in asap. Let him work that out for himself, sure he will xx good luck.

Sorry, 14 x

Thanks @Fishfingersandwichplease.
Husband has given him free rein forever. Literally every decision when he visits has to be passed by his sons first.

We've had so many conversations about this for years and I know my husband feels guilt towards him and so tends to want to spoil him. When step son admitted hes been manipulating his dad, I felt crushed for him.
I don't want visits to end and I really want to help but feel it's such an uphill struggle.
Husband most times switches off as he struggles with ADHD himself and I'm left to hold the fort.
Just can't do this anymore....

And, he's only just turned 14.

Bloody hell, @Myal, what a shock to have this Jekyll and Hyde thing going on.

Does your DH know about the manipulation comment?

This should be a watershed for the whole family. A chance for your DH to completely review the way he parents, his motivations and objectives. Guilt is such a lousy reason for doing anything, especially the wrong thing.

What have been the consequences for DSS? Phone removed? Room searched for drugs and knives?

Whose idea was it to have DSS over for longer next time? What’s the reasoning? Is it so his Dad can have a proper talk with him and reset behaviours and expectations?

If not, and your DH plans to let things continue as before then I can see how this must feel insurmountable right now.

Well it's not all down to his poor mum to deal with it's both their kid and youre DH needs to step up and be a parent. I don't know what bearing him coming to the house on you're 3 year old daughter though is he violent a danger to her?

I think that linking this behaviour to your 3 year old is inappropriate of you. If he were your blood child you'd have to manage this situation and so you should with the ss.

Your refusing the ss is unreasonable. Airing your feelings isn't. Before he comes over, you need to both talk frankly and honestly about how to proceed with your ss.

I would be organising telephone therapy. Most areas have a free service. It's not ideal. But better than nothing.

Are there any parental locks on his it equipment?

How old was the girl? Are her parents aware? Has he posted images etc online? The whole legalities etc needs discussing at length. Including sexual health info.

The knives element needs addressing. I would certainly look at www.knifefree.co.uk/get-help-support/ for initial support.

Have both his rooms been searched? Knives found?

What punishments are in place for the poor behaviour?

Have you sat down as a unit of 3 and discussed things?

These are all important must dos. But cancelling contact is inappropriate. Finding a way forward is necessary.

@SoloMummy if he were OP's blood child she would have control over how to proceed with this. As an sm she is totally at the mercy of ss's parents and is quite rightly scared for her own dd - did you miss the part about knives???
I agree her dp needs to get on top of this but don't blame & shame op for expressing real fear & worry over a situation that has huge implications for her but is one she will be frozen out of if dp goes on the defensive!

@MeridianB....he does and hes just stayed silent on the entire thing although I know it stung.
Step sons phone and Playstation has been confiscated but that's it. Room to my knowledge hasn't been searched.

And it was my husbands idea even though we only just talked about keeping it to eow as lockdown eased. His reasoning is to allow him to do his homework in peace as he's so far behind (he won't do it and his mum has given up). Its a poor excuse because at his, he has his own room and can work as here, wr have a 3 year old and a 2 bed small flat....he knows nothing will get done here.

He's going to parent your daughter in exactly the same way. I wouldn't want your step son alone with your daughter at all for the foreseeable future. Personally I'd get rid of the drip of a parent that is your partner. He sounds worse than useless.

@lunar1, not on my watch he won't.
I've been, on every step of the way been instilling rules and boundaries as far as our little one is concerned.
With stepson, I can to an extent but he's very entitled despite the fact he is very much loved but mollycoddled by 2 sets of parents and their respective families. And he's taking advantage of that.

My husband has mental health issues and had a breakdown last year which resulted in him losing his job.

I've tried everything from talking, therapy, threatening to leave etc and we seem to be at the juncture where it's way more serious to just cruise along now.

Husband has a kind heart and means well. Just when it comes down to his son, hes almost too scared to step up to him?

@Myal that sounds so hard. Because your DH is fragile. But this will escalate if left unchecked. And the idea of a young teen with this attitude who will soon be a taller, stronger teen, with this attitude or worse, is very worrying.

Presumably his son won’t have phone or console at yours and so will have nothing to do but school work?

Would it be possible for you, DH and DSS’s mum to meet and discuss, so there is a really united front?

Honestly given the knives, lack of respect and your husband’s inability to give consequences I would stay firm about sticking to EOW until your husband gets counselling in place and proves that he will actually manage his son’s disrespectful behaviour.