Do you ever wish your partner didn't have children?

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I'm expecting I'll probably get a battering from some posters but just wondering if anyone else has ever felt like this?

I don't feel this way day to day, I get on well with his kids and we have a good relationship. But there are other times, times when I really could have done with him being there for me but he has been unable because of the children where I've just thought how much easier it would be.

Some of these occasions are little but others are a bit bigger, like when I was in hospital having surgery, he was there with me but then his ex called to say his child was poorly and so he left whilst I was in surgery and my mum had to come instead. Or the time I had to go alone to have a scan confirming a miscarriage because it was his day with his kids.

We very rarely get any time alone together. We have the children 4 nights a week and it is always over the weekend. I couldn't tell you the last time we had a weekend free together.

Sometimes I just wish I could know that my husband will be there when I need him but of course it isn't always possible and I've found myself wondering what it would be like. I know I'll probably get lots of 'you knew what you were getting into' but I really don't believe that people do know.

It's been heightened during the current situation as they are staying with us a lot more than usual, sometimes the whole week and I am now the default carer whilst their parents work.

I'm dealing with a lot of stuff MH wise and I just feel a bit suffocated right now and don't know how to deal with it.

He should have been there for you, OP.

Stop looking after his children. He seems to be a selfish prick.

I am a step mum and there is no way my husband wouldn’t have been there for me if I was having emergency surgery following a miscarriage. Not a chance.

Your partner isn’t unsupportive because he’s a parent, he’s unsupportive because he’s choosing to be. He also sounds selfish and lazy and it’s telling that you feel conditioned to not be able to say no.

What happens when you do say no OP?

Couldn't he have told his Ex you were in hospital and asked her to keep the DC? Or perhaps had a relative of his help out?

Even in a relationship where the couple are together, if one party is ill, surely there would be someone else relative/friend to look after the child in an emergency situation.

Can I ask, without meaning to start a bun fight, in situations like scans and surgery falling during normal contact time, do you expect the ex to pick up the slack?

Well let’s hope nothing happens the other way round then shall we? Because why should the op‘s dp pick up the slack when it’s not his days?
You know, I can just imagine all the outrage on here if someone said why should he pick up the slack when the ex could do with changing contact due to a family emergency.

Fwiw, I think where possible, each parent should be flexible and actually think before they give a straight up NO. Yes that includes rps too. If they have to work then it’s obviously not going to be doable, but if one parent is having a Netflix and chill day while the other wants to be with their partner while they have an operation during a very emotional time, then it would take a very cold hearted person to say no.

funinthesun. You are preaching to the converted. I pay childcare to cover my ex deciding he has something else he needs to do on his days. I have managed every illness and appointment for 3 children for over 10 years. Yes, people should be flexible if they can. But many of us have had to have back up plans to our back up plans with limited income and the persistent threat of losing our jobs, no maintenance and a step parent who is not happy at having to see a child overnight once a fortnight. It is utterly galling to be told we should cover everything and somehow even that isn’t enough. My original point still stands - the issue is not the existence of a step child but rather how a parent manages his/her time with their children. At some level, it is also about understanding that your ex is not your childcare . Emergencies happen, although oddly enough, I’ve had to manage both my own and my ex’s for years but that’s OK, eh?

I await your comeback - which will, inevitably, tell me I am wrong for expecting a so-called equal parent to actually parent once in a while.

Can I ask, without meaning to start a bun fight, in situations like scans and surgery falling during normal contact time, do you expect the ex to pick up the slack?

Assuming 2 decent people I would expect parents to pick up the slack in emergencies where they were able to.

Some people are stuck with a crap ex that will never help out at all even in emergencies and I feel for those people.

I know if my husband’s ex’s new partner had to have emergency surgery we would have DSD without hesitating and I’m sure it would work the same the other way round.

I await your comeback - which will, inevitably, tell me I am wrong for expecting a so-called equal parent to actually parent once in a while

No I totally agree. I just think parents should be flexible that’s all. Yes that includes the nrp too which you seem to think I don’t think is the case. I do. But it also doesn’t hurt an rp to be flexible too if it goes both ways.

Some people are so fiercely against an rp helping no matter what the circumstances. Who’s to say the op’s husband is like your ex and never helps you? You just jumped to conclusions.

I don't for one minute subscribe to the MN mantra of the kids should always come first - no they bloody well should not! Telling a child that you can't see them as their sm is in hospital/other is teaching them empathy! Telling a child I left your sm in hospital because you're so much more important is teaching them entitlement!

100%

I remember being a nightmare tween, and hating my DM partner with a passion. It got to the point they almost broke up. And i remember my grandma sitting down with me and basically telling me to wind my neck in as I was going to break up my mothers relationship and it wasnt fair, as one day i would grow up, leave home and have my own family, and if I broke them up, my mother would be left all alone.
I promptly wound my neck in, and made more of a effort to be agreeable, and now i'm a adult i actually get on with my step dad much better and regret what a brat I was. I can also see now that much of the difficulties were caused by me being a very difficult child (undiagnosed behavioural disorders) and him simply not knowing how to cope (old fashioned parenting did not work with me at all).

I am incredibly glad that my grandma made me realise that me, the child, am not the be all and end all of my mothers life. That i should not expect her to ruin her own happiness to put me first 100% of the time (although she did in many ways).
It taught me valuable lessons in being a human with morals, compassion and empathy, and allowed me to realise that the world did not revolve around me from my tweens.

Refreshing view from a stepchild @LittleFoxKit, you don't often hear that! Thanks for sharing.

I broke my back, fractured my vertebrae and was laid up in hospital in a back brace. The ex demanded DH stick to the agreed child arrangements , despite us having them a huge amount when her sister was ill. So yeah, at times I definitely do wish he didn't have them. Ex is a horrible awful person and has been a massive negative in my life for over 5 years now.
I just remind myself that DH wouldn't be who he was without his children, and probably wouldn't be the man I fell in love with.

So sorry you've been going through this.