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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Do you ever wish your partner didn't have children?

35 replies

WithExtractsOfJibberish · 24/05/2020 11:09

I'm expecting I'll probably get a battering from some posters but just wondering if anyone else has ever felt like this?

I don't feel this way day to day, I get on well with his kids and we have a good relationship. But there are other times, times when I really could have done with him being there for me but he has been unable because of the children where I've just thought how much easier it would be.

Some of these occasions are little but others are a bit bigger, like when I was in hospital having surgery, he was there with me but then his ex called to say his child was poorly and so he left whilst I was in surgery and my mum had to come instead. Or the time I had to go alone to have a scan confirming a miscarriage because it was his day with his kids.

We very rarely get any time alone together. We have the children 4 nights a week and it is always over the weekend. I couldn't tell you the last time we had a weekend free together.

Sometimes I just wish I could know that my husband will be there when I need him but of course it isn't always possible and I've found myself wondering what it would be like. I know I'll probably get lots of 'you knew what you were getting into' but I really don't believe that people do know.

It's been heightened during the current situation as they are staying with us a lot more than usual, sometimes the whole week and I am now the default carer whilst their parents work.

I'm dealing with a lot of stuff MH wise and I just feel a bit suffocated right now and don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 24/05/2020 11:22

Why are you looking after his kids? It's not your responsibility. It sounds like he's taking advantage to be honest.

And if I were you I would be asking him to be more flexible around when the kids visit to allow you some time alone on a weekend. Why should the ex get every weekend child free? That's where your problem is.

Sally872 · 24/05/2020 11:32

Priorities overall in life of course children come first. Priorities day to day are more case by case. I think DH should prioritise you for the scan and surgery, unless there are extreme circumstances that mean he really couldn't (ex would stop access. She doesn't cope well and has no other support, your dh has nobody he could ask to babysit for your scan and relationship with ex is not amicable enough to swap days).

If my DH was in surgery he would be my priority and even if the children were poorly my mum/sisters would deal with them unless serious.

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup · 24/05/2020 11:41

You shouldn't be the default carer if your OH kids when he works. If he can't look after them himself he needs to find paid for childcare. You should only be looking after them on an emergency basis when no-one else is able to.

I'm saying this as someone whose agreement is precisely this and works in practise.

In regards to the kid being poorly and you being in hospital - unless the child is also in hospital then he shouldn't have left you.

In regards to his time with kids - it is not fair for the kids not to see their mum on the weekend so the agreement should be eow and 1/2 overnights in the week where he does the majority of their care.

You need to establish clear boundaries with him on what you will and won't put up with. If he doesn't listen and continues to treat you like a doormat then you need to leave. There are men out there with kids who don't do this.

Windyatthebeach · 24/05/2020 11:44

Sorry for you loss op. His actions that day would have me reconsidering my relationship tbh...

sassbott · 24/05/2020 12:50

Your problem isn’t your children, it’s your partner. Sadly. He’s prioritising them 100% of the time and whilst children should be a priority, at times like surgery/ miscarriage, you should be the number one priority.

It’s not the children’s fault. It’s his fault. And if cannot prioritise a partner then frankly? He shouldn’t be in a relationship.

Boysandmore · 24/05/2020 13:28

Totally agree with the comments above although there is no doubt that kids will always come first there are definitely times where he needs to make you a priority especially when losing a child I’m so sorry you had to go through that never mind alone.
I often feel the same but never out loud, it’s hard and don’t think you should feel guilty for thinking like that either we’re human and although yeah we know they have kids etc there’s nothing wrong with wanting some quality time or just a few quiet hours to your self all parents step or not wish the same.
I’m like you I’m left looking after both mine and his all day while he works and god knows what the mothers doing (working aka having a lovely 3 month break) no matter how much you love them it’s gets annoying when you feel never get a break for instant it’s taken me 20 mins to write this post because iv had to deal with arguments and nagging from them and it’s been the same for the last 11 weeks I feel like screaming some days but then I feel guilty because they have a right to be part of our family with their dad just like my kids have a right to be here.
It’s such a hard situation and I don’t feel anyone unless their a step parent will ever understand as it’s no where near like being a parent to your own child, or just having a normal relationship, it will never just be the 2 of you and that’s a hard concept to accept.
Anyway I ramble don’t give yourself a hard time but I would talk to your o/h and explain how you feel if he loves you enough he will understand that your not asking him to chose between you and the kids but to maybe make you and your relationship a priority once in a while especially during difficult situations x

bloodyhellsbellsx · 24/05/2020 13:33

I can totally understand why you would feel that way I couldn’t have got into a relationship with someone who already had kids. I wanted to have the experience of pregnancy and raising kids as a first for us both if that makes sense, but that was my personal choice

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 24/05/2020 13:41

Yup, sadly I do. When I was first dating after divorce, I thought it would have to be someone who had DCs otherwise they wouldn't understand how my life was and would want to be off travelling etc. Now I think that someone who didn't have DCs (and an ever-present ex too) would be so lovely. Someone who could prioritise our relationship and be a full partner, rather than someone living in two separate worlds, with his mind, heart and attention elsewhere.

I know if you get together with someone who has DCs you have to accept that things might change re contact, but its funny who ends up having to be the flexible one isn't it!?

Giespeace · 24/05/2020 14:14

I think there are very few people who can claim that their step kids are 100% joy and a pleasure to have in their lives. It’s the nature of the situation unfortunately, but I do think it’s worth remembering that there are threads on MN often enough where women question whether they should have had their own kids, so it’s clearly not just a step thing. Kids can be a massive PITA no matter whose they are!
However, I do think your DP/H is very foolish if he thinks he can continue to prioritise his children to that extreme and remain in a healthy relationship. Overall, of course the kids needs must be top priority, but there will be times where they aren’t the priority such as the occasions you described. What if he left your own child in a situation like that because of his older kids needing picked up? That would be unreasonable too.

Kaykay066 · 24/05/2020 14:22

My ex had kids and honestly it was a nightmare I decided once I dumped him to stay single till my kids were older. 3 years on I met a lovely guy by chance, similar age no kids. He loves mine I hope he doesn’t wish I didn’t have them because if he did I’d tell him to leave.

aSofaNearYou · 24/05/2020 16:32

Of course I do. But I also agree with PPs, some of the things you have listed he obviously should have been there for you. You don't have to accept this.

Greggers2017 · 24/05/2020 16:38

I agree the miscarriage he should have been there. You need emotional support at those times.

The surgery? No! You are unconscious and don't know what's happening, when you come round you aren't fully with it anyway. I didn't even go to my partner until he was fully awake the following day. I called him but he also said there was no point in me being there. He also didn't have his mim, he was alone.

What is the children's mum like? Does she withdraw contact if he tries to rearrange anything?

Original poster
WithExtractsOfJibberish · 24/05/2020 16:50

The surgery? No!

I'd agree usually but the surgery was because of late delayed miscarriage (another one) we'd only just found out about a few days earlier so I was really emotional and could have done with him there when I woke up (day surgery only under for about an hour).

OP posts:
Original poster
WithExtractsOfJibberish · 24/05/2020 16:55

I just feel like it's always me having to accept being the bottom of the pile. It's always me who has to smile and act perfectly okay about it. It's always me who has to lose out on support.

And I feel like I've been conditioned into feeling like I can never say anything or be upset about it because I don't want to seem like an evil step mother.

OP posts:
Namechanger1239 · 24/05/2020 17:24

Sorry for your loss OP Thanks

Name changed for this.

Yes I do. I wish DH didn't have DC. They are and always have a nightmare. Their mother is the ex from hell that we all joke about but she really is. Now they are late teens and still greedy, horrible people. Step parenting is hard. He doesn't deserve you.

VEGAS2016 · 24/05/2020 20:47

Yes absolutely! My life would be alot nicer & easier of my DH didnt have a child.

I dont feel bad saying this as his ex is a nightmare & has made my life a misery!

Jamjar18 · 24/05/2020 21:44

Yep 100%, DH and I get on better when the kids aren’t there. His ex is a twat and doesn’t her best to make our relationship miserable by controlling my DH via the kids. Financially we would be much better off as well without my husband paying above and beyond in CSA and then pays for everything on top anyway because his Ex is ‘skint’. There is a huge amount of resentment from me towards him about the way he has handled things

ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace · 24/05/2020 22:09

Every single day. DH's ex treats him like a walking cash point. Pays WELL over the CSA amount and for loads of extras over the years including half his child's holiday to Florida with his ex and her new DH! DC is now 19 and he's still paying her mother. All of the above would have been been fine had she not moved 300 miles away when his dc was 6 and refused to share the travel. DC only contacts him to ask for more spending money, rarely remembers to thank DH's family for birthday or Christmas gifts or acknowledge them in any way. SDC looks straight through me when they are at our house. Sulked all the way through our wedding. I could go on.

Howaboutanewname · 24/05/2020 22:25

Can I ask, without meaning to start a bun fight, in situations like scans and surgery falling during normal contact time, do you expect the ex to pick up the slack? What if the ex works during contact time? Should it be her responsibility to have back up plans or the ex who has contact at that time? In a idea world, flexibility would kick in but for some people, working is going to take precedent. Do you really think the ex wife should cover her ex husband’s new partner’s illness?

It seems to me that too many men rely on the ex as their back up without recognising that she too has responsibilities and bills to pay. The issue here is perhaps not the children but how a man organises his wider responsibilities post divorce.

AllsortsofAwkward · 24/05/2020 22:28

Theres been times where ex has been unable to have ds because of his existing health issues and needing surgery, if it had been his partner I wouldn't have send dc. Is his ex aware of the situation? I remember we were at the hospital with our DC and I was pregnant. I rung ex and he had ds for us so we could be up at the hospital with dd. Ex rung when his dw had issues with her pregnancy and didnt have ds. Is there communication like between the ex?

Original poster
WithExtractsOfJibberish · 24/05/2020 23:16

Howaboutanewname

No which is why it's times like these that I wish he didn't have kids. Because there wouldn't be any slack that any ex would have to be expected to pick up of cover etc etc.

OP posts:
Magda72 · 25/05/2020 00:36

OP I'm very sorry for your loss & I understand exactly how you feel re being bottom of the pile.
I'm going to say two things & I hope I don't come across as too pushy lol.

  1. DO NOT feel guilty for wanting more. You mentioned the word conditioning & honestly society has women conditioning into believing that we shouldn't expect or deserve so much - from equal pay to equal parenting to time alone to not wanting kids (if that's your choice), to being a sahm (if that's your choice), to prioritising a career to being with a man who has kids & not wanting to parent those kids. And that's only the tip of the iceberg - the list is honestly endless. As a case in point the amount of sm's on here who have been left minding & home schooling sdc while their partners & their exes do sweet F A is quite frankly shocking & it happens because as women we are conditioned into thinking that if we say No & put our needs & our mental health first we are bad, unsupportive partners!
  2. You have the right to be prioritised. You are your dh's chosen partner & if you need him it is his duty to put you first. I don't for one minute subscribe to the MN mantra of the kids should always come first - no they bloody well should not! Telling a child that you can't see them as their sm is in hospital/other is teaching them empathy! Telling a child I left your sm in hospital because you're so much more important is teaching them entitlement!
However YOU are the only one who can change this as your dh is obviously so under the ex's thumb that he won't change so long as you tolerate their shite. You have worth, & honestly if my partner couldn't say no to his ex/kids or organise a friend or a family member to sit with his kids when I really needed him then I would leave. Because you know what? There exist men who will prioritise you & men who will say no to their exes & men who will aim to rear kind & caring children. It is possible to love your kids & rear them well without making them the centre of the bloody universe! Sorry for the rant but there have been some threads on here lately that have highlighted just how far down the pecking order sms are for their partners & their partners exes & it makes my blood boil & I don't know WHY seemingly lovely and articulate women are putting up with this type of shit.
EmbarrassedUser · 25/05/2020 11:18

4 nights a week with the kids? Surely you two are the main Carers? Is he being asked for maintenance?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 25/05/2020 11:37

As a case in point the amount of sm's on here who have been left minding & home schooling sdc while their partners & their exes do sweet F A is quite frankly shocking & it happens because as women we are conditioned into thinking that if we say No & put our needs & our mental health first we are bad, unsupportive partners!

Absolutely this! My DP and his ex never have to think about childcare as they have a grandparent who does it. One school holiday she was away visiting family and they assumed I would have the SDCs. I was furious!

a) the kids rarely come here on a normal day, as DP has his own home where he has them, so it wasn’t just an extension of their regular days.
B) I’m on a low income BECAUSE I stay at home and work in a low paid job to be there for my DCs. He and his ex could easily afford childcare they were just to disorganised to bother.

C) they have lots of friends where they live - they could have asked them to help out

In the end I said I’d have them for DP’s days but was not covering the exes days too.

They never asked me again Grin

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 25/05/2020 11:39

I don't for one minute subscribe to the MN mantra of the kids should always come first - no they bloody well should not! Telling a child that you can't see them as their sm is in hospital/other is teaching them empathy! Telling a child I left your sm in hospital because you're so much more important is teaching them entitlement!

Spot on