Entitled child or just Irritated step mum

[Boysandmore]

I could go on for hours and hours about the problems we are facing with my 6 year old sd however here it (Sorry for the long read)
We have 5 children between us I have 3 boys and he has 2 girls both our youngest are 6 years old we have been living together for 2 years and the girls have been with us 50/50 but now full time (not been at mums for nearly 11 weeks)
SD has always been somewhat spoilt dad has always jumped at every demand as mum hasn’t always been let’s say emotional attentive to her needs and he’s always felt he needed to make up for that (his words) I do understand where he’s coming from but now it’s becoming a problem.

She is very demanding and needy for attention always has to be next to someone especially adults usually clinging round your neck or just saying your name just to smile almost a “hey don’t forget I’m here” kind of way. We can’t spend anytime with the other children without her coming in for a “huggle” or asking for something, if you give anything to anyone else she will kick off demanding one for herself even if it’s something like a little praise “well done for eating all of that” etc She will say “look what I’ve done I’m good too” she interrupts when your talking or on the phone and demands drinks and snacks all day long. Along with this she’s stubborn and doesn’t care one bit about anyone else she will often cut her nose off to spite her face for example she would rather just have one sweet than have to share a bag with anyone else even tho she will get more. Recently we’ve rearranged the bedroom so she can play with her toys instead of having them all over the room as I wanted to get a sofa instead of having to sit at the dinning table to watch tv, since doing this she has refused to play with any toys and often sulks round the house complaing she’s bored when asked why she isn’t playing with her toys she said “because I want them down stairs not in my room” after an explanation to why I did it she told me she wouldn’t play with them untill I moved them back down stairs (I’m giving up at this point) end of and nope she still hasn’t touched them 2 weeks later!

Her eating is poor will often sit for hours refusing the meals I make even when she’s either helped Make or picked out what where having we have removed snacks and treats, done screen bans etc nothing works she just doesn’t care, she will only eat when there’s a reward chat in place and will often say “if you do me another chart I’ll eat everything” She’s 6 not a hostage negotiator!

She rarely gets on with anyone even at school unless the children are doing exactly what she says she won’t play, she will paddy untill they get fed up and just let her do what she wants which seems to be the common theme, she will “tell them off” all the the time but will cry and scream whenever anyone else “tells her off” She will only do school work when she feels like it and will just sit there ignoring you when your explaining anything (this is in school and home schooling) she refuses any help when doing anything because she knows better and will continually correct anyone if they say something wrong.
Although over the lockdown period she has improved she speaks like a baby not pronouncing her words correctly and using baby talk such as “dada” “drinky” and “huggle” I refuse point blank to acknowledge her when she’s speaking in that way which has definitely helped her to talk properly as she now only speaks like that when she is talking to her mum on the phone, but will sometimes slip back.
I’m tired of constantly having to tell her off it’s draining and I feel all my attention is on her and the others including the other 6 year old just get left out I find my self wishing for them to go back home just to have a break
I get told it’s been hard for the girls adapting to living with 3 other children (Mum makes comments about how they need to make sure dad is spending time with them and not with the boys) and the break up but the boys have been through the same (if not worse as they don’t see their dad at all) yet their not acting in this way the other 6yr old is very well behaved, polite and will give up his last anything to make anyone happy.

We have argued so much about it and I do start to wonder if it is just me who is being over the top and not seeing it’s just a little girl going through a lot of changes but then it’s should she be allowed to act like this when no one else is.
Agh I need some advice or I feel I will start to lose the relationship I have with her and possibly my partner too

Some kids demand a lot more attention. They are usually kids who lack any sense of confidence and self-esteem. Its a vicious circle because they demand attention to prove to themselves they are worthy of it but my doing so, make themselves less likeable resulting in less attention which confirms their insecurity.

Such kids are hard work but with the right balance between positive attention and reassurance but disciplining, many do grow out of it.

One friends daughter was exactly like that. It was impossible to have a conversation because her girl hated to have to cope with one conversation not being around her.

I could only imagined that she'd grow to be madam, but she's now 21 and the most selfless girl for her age. She's lovely, caring and really friendly. Totally different to what she was. She herself laugh at herself and say that she was quite a brat as a kid!

She's a six year old who hasn't lived with her mum for 11 weeks, I'm not surprised she's feeling a bit needy!

Honestly I'd just give her lots of loving attention and reassurance, it's what she needs. So what if she's saying your name just to smile and say nothing? She's desperate to connect.

It’s not just a recent thing she’s always been like that.
It’s obviously going to be hard for her not seeing her mum and I get that there all struggling with the lockdown and the other 6 year old hasn’t seen his dad in over 2 years and he doesn’t behave anything like her, just nothing seems to work the more time, praise and special time we give her just makes her behaviour worse because soon as the worlds not on her she can’t cope.
You might judge me at getting slightly annoyed with it but when you have it 24/7 it draining especially when I’m trying to make sure my own kids don’t suffer in the process.

She sounds like a title girl I know and it's absolutely infuriating isn't it. The baby talk is the worst. It's almost as if ur describing her.

On the other hand she must be feeling really insecure with not living with her mum. I would carry on with what your doing. Firm but fair and hopefully eventually get the message.

6 is still very little, you’ve said her mum maybe was a bit emotionally absent? That can have a huge impact.
And obviously even bad attention is attention which she might crave? It certainly isn’t fair on the others though.
Some of the behaviour you mention sounds a lot like my 6 year old though!

6 year olds aren't 'entitled'.

They're 6

I do understand child development and understand that they are demanding and needy especially girls However her behaviour is extreme and when she literally screaming and stamping her feet because she now wants the iPad that her sister has just started playing on, or floods the bathroom because her dad just asked her to wait 2 mins to get her a drink it’s far more than just normal 6 year old behaviour.

She sounds very much like my step son, so I empathise with how hard it is. The thing is, it's all very well indulging her in order to support her as your DP is doing, but if it's making her unlikeable around peers then it's not doing her any favours. My step son is clearly affected by struggling to get on with other children, but it comes from the fact that he bursts in with a game he wants to play, and doesn't really pay attention to what other people want to do. He cries when he doesn't get his way, I've never been to a birthday party where he didn't end up the one child crying over not winning pass the parcel or someone not wanting to stop what they were doing to play his game. Other children find it tiresome and don't bother with him.

We have very much focused on getting my step son used to not having his way all the time for years. We're not on at him all the time, and we support him with his emotional issues, but we don't allow him free rein to be selfish. We always encourage him to consider what other people want to do, even if it's just through voicing our own opinions on mundane things like film choices. We want him to understand that life involves compromise. When he cries or whinges that other children don't want him to play with them, we ask him if he's tried asking them what they want to play and seeing if they're more responsive. We don't indulge attention seeking or sulking behaviour, either.

Personally I'm a big advocate of calling childrens bluff. She won't play with her toys because she didn't get her own way, well, she's not playing with them for your benefit, is she? If she won't play with them then she's the one missing out. By saying she'd eat anything if she gets a reward chart, she's revealed that she is actually fine to eat those things and just wants the treats, but that is naughty behaviour. If she doesn't want to eat something she is secretly perfectly fine with, then she'll have to be hungry, won't she. She's eating for herself, not for you.

In my experience, if you give children who behave like this an inch then they will take a mile. You need to just be consistent in not rising to that behaviour, but not indulging it either. Eventually, she will begin to see that she is the one missing out as arrow result of her attitude, and will hopefully grow out of it.

Are little girls more demanding and needy than boys as you claim? You don't sound as if you understand how hard it is for a six year old to not have see her mother for the past 11 weeks. In fact, you sound very unfair in the way you treat her and talk about her.
can she go home to her mother?

This sounds a lot like my DP’s youngest tbh. She’s now 12 and still has to sit on his lap and hold his hand whenever we’re out together. Neither of his DDs are particularly close to their mum and rely on him for everything. When he’s with me you can guarantee he’ll get several calls or texts asking him to buy them things or asking how to do something, or saying they haven’t done their homework and can he help at 11pm etc

I find it infuriating as nobody else is allowed a look-in when they’re with him (me included) so I just don’t really spend much time with them all if I can avoid it.

It’s one of the many reasons we don’t live together after 8 years tbh. I see him a couple of nights a week on his own and he’s part of my family, but I’m not really part of his. It’s sad in a way, as I never wanted it to be this way, but without boundaries or ever having been told the word no, I’ve struggled to effectively deal with her - and it’s only going to get worse through the next few years when teenage troubles hit!

I’m hoping she’ll grow out of it at some point, but I do have a fear that she’ll be one of those full grown women who is still a daddy’s girl and has to sit on his lap and go on daddy/daughter dates etc

both and of sorts I guess!

I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know it’s a DP problem. However, nobody wants their parenting to be criticised, especially when that criticism is seen as “you’re too loving to your DCs” so my answer is, as with most things, keep out of it, not my circus, not my monkeys.

I’d love her to go to her mums I believe every child has a right to see both parents after a separation but her mum won’t have her she speaks to her every day on the phone but won’t have them back because she wants to isolate with her new boyfriend and apparently works (although currently working from home like the rest of us)

How is me saying she’s more needy then the rest unfair I was looking for advice to see if anyone had any more ideas on what to do.
I go above and beyond for that girls made sure her birthday (which was in lockdown) was made a special as I could, I do activities all day everyday with her, take her out, she helps make tea with me every day literally I can not spend anymore time with her or do anything more with her yet it’s not enough.

Also she has the same rules and expectations of all the other children.

I bet her mum is delighted to have 3 months off by the sounds of it. Meanwhile you're looking after 5 children and trying to work. I think she's really taking the piss.

Just read the whole thread and your last comment is the most revealing.

Her mum is emotionally and now totally absent and doesn’t want her back any time soon, choosing a BF over her children.

I can’t imagine feeling that way about a child, especially a 6yo. So many separated parents are breaking their hearts during lockdown.

After 11 weeks with you, surely it’s time for her to go to her mums?

My o/h has messaged her saying she needs to take them back even if it’s just for the weekend and she just keeps saying no however on the phone she’s promising them all these presents shopping trips etc when they do go back and always says how much she misses them but if that’s the case why not come get them. I can’t imagine being without my kids for that long.
So I do take in to account how it will have an effect on her especially when she’s so young but I also have to take in to account that my own children are now being pushed out as I can’t spend any time with them without her either kicking off or wanting all my attention. Her dad will take her and do special time with her but if she knows I’m with the boys she’ll just come and interrupt even down to doing school work she’d rather sit and watch them do their work then go play all because they’ll be getting my full attention and not her

She sounds very similar to my dd who is 6.

She has sensory processing disorder. High levels of anxiety as a result of trauma which result in epic meltdowns. Everything is about control and has to be her way. She is very insecure. Same in school cant cope with friends not doing as she tells them because to her it's the right way. Talks 100 miles an hour and continuously interrupts. Beyond demanding. She has no concept that you are actually talking and it doesnt matter because to her she needs to get it out. She is ridiculously black and white in her thinking. Toys up to her bedroom and out of sitting room she wouldnt play with then either because to her that isnt were they should be.

She is going back through to be reassessed for being on the spectrum although a educational physiologist suggested adhd so I dont know.

We have other children so not like parenting is new to us but parenting her the same way we did them just doesnt work. It has taken alot but we have had to completely change our parenting style and it is exhausting and so frustrating but every child is different.

I would recommend reading the sensitive child and the explosive child with your dh . It helped me reframe my thinking when approaching situations with her and helps me deal with her behaviour in a different way. I try to see her behaviour as a symptom of something else and as a result of a skills gap she has. So my aim is to try and help her close that gap. So actually you might not be able to have the same expectations of her as your other children and trying to is actually going to cause more conflict and increase negative behaviour than improve it.

We describe parenting dd as never ever being able to have an off day it is relentless.

It also a big change not seeing her mam in so long. Has her mam any intention of changing this or does she plan for them to live with you both?

Thank you I will certainly have a read any help is extremely welcomed even if it means changing our whole approach. I have thought that maybe there is an element of Autism but because she can fully explain her actions which usually is because I wanted to with a shrug and rolling of the eyes it just makes me think it’s more behaviour.
The agreement (between the parents I was even spoken to) is they stay with us Monday to Friday and go home on weekends (when she hasn’t anything planned) but just before lockdown when he picked them up she said we had to have them full time and that’s that. No explanation to what full time was, if she wanted them back again or anything she tells them when covid 19 has gone they can go back 🤔 if it was to help keep them safe while she works during lockdown I’d get it but we’re both out at work as well as working from home so non of it makes sense.

That's ridiculous and by what you have very selfish of her and very difficult for all the children, you and partner.

Look up Ross Greene on you tube and have a listen and see if you can connect with his thinking he has lots of interviews/videos. It will give you a flavour of the book and see if you think it might be of any help.

Thank you ever so much

Longer term you need family therapy and she is going to need a lot of help...

It is very sad for her to know she isn't wanted, her older sisters probably got more attention/love when they were little compared to her.

Honestly I'm not surprised you are at the end of your tether!!!

Op, I’m glad someone has come on with some more insight of what the problems might be though and how to address them.

But in the meantime, your DH needs to intervene if she is disrupting schoolwork for your boys or their quality time with you. That’s not on.

Time to send her lazy mother a great big bill for maintenance, too.

I'm not one to shout "autism" or other developmental issues but are you sure she doesn't have any neuro-developmental issues? This reminds me of my son who is currently being assessed for ASD and ADHD.

Poor little girl! She sounds very trying and I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether OP. But imagine having a mum who didn't want you

Sounds like your having a tough time at the moment. I'd say carry on as you have been you sound to me like a great Step Mum xx Little lady may always be demanding but you sound like your doing all you can xx

If she was adopted I'd say she had attachment issues, her behaviour sounds very much like a lot of adopted children.

Google attachment disorder, this can occur when a child loses a parent, a lot like your dd has.

Google therapeutic parenting, there's lots of advice on how to deal with it, how to respond to her behaviour and activities you, and your dh can do with her to improve it.

It is attention seeking and attention is what you need to give her, but it's all about building a bond with her, her insecurities are what's driving her behaviour