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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To think DHs ex is being ridiculous?

68 replies

MulligansSteakHouse · 22/05/2020 17:06

Me and DH currently rent, we were notified that we will have to move out by the end of this year as our landlord wants the house back, this is no problem as we were planning on buying this year before all this Pandemic situation kicked off.

Obviously now that's a bit difficult and we're not sure how long it's going to last. Therefore in order to save some more funds in case we need a bigger deposit, we are going to move in with my father.

He has quite a large house and me and DH and his kids will have our own rooms so they will still have privacy.

DHs ex is kicking off about this as she 'doesn't know my Dad' and thinks we should have our own space when the children are with us (which we will).

I could understand if we'd not been together long and my dad was a stranger but we've been married for years now and the kids know my dad and get on well.

And anyway, as said above his house is big enough to give us all our own space anyway.

If it weren't for this current situation we'd probably not even consider this but we want to buy asap and still this year if we can so that we don't have to find another rental in the interim and can save more toward a bigger deposit.

Are we unreasonable? We'd be hoping it was a 6 month max situation.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 22/05/2020 18:49

the alternative is to allow her to dictate when/if we can buy a house which doesn't sit right with me

OP, when you said she was 'kicking off', what exactly has she threatened? Has she given you an ultimatum about withdrawing contact?

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2020 18:51

Why doesn’t she introduce herself to him then if she’s that bothered? She can stand at the gate due to social distancing, that way she doesn’t have to come in Wink

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2020 18:55

Def envy!!. Ime exes don't like it when dc get excited about something happening - like a baby or a new house.

Some absolutely LOVE it when their dc has something negative to say about their dad/dad’s partner/dad’s house etc.. Then they can go and have a good bitch about it with their huns. But if their child is happy then there’s nothing to moan about is there because then they just come across as a jealous bitch if they do moan.

AlternativePerspective · 22/05/2020 19:01

So for the people who say that it’s the ex’s business and she’s right to be concerned, would you say the same if the OP’s father was moving in with them rather than the other way around? Because this is not an uncommon scenario for a parent to move in with their child as they get older...

The OP’s DH is an equal parent,and his perfectly reasonable living arrangements are none of his ex’s business, just as her’s aren’t any of his business.

My eXH had a lodger at one point. And more recently his DP’s mum was living with them. It would never have occurred to me to start laying down the law as to who he could have staying in his house. This is no different even though the arrangement is slightly reversed.

Isitnextyearyet · 22/05/2020 19:24

I think everyone views things in quite dramatic terms! The alternative isn't that she gets to lay down the law etc - or vice versa. The alternative is that the parents discuss big issues - like reasonable adults who both care for and want the best for their child. It can work. Its not that onerous.

footprintsintheslow · 22/05/2020 19:40

I think ideally if I was the ex I'd want to meet the dad briefly to say hi.

How amicable are things generally besides this?

Chasingsquirrels · 22/05/2020 19:49

I don't see there is anything to discuss though, why should either parent have any input into the other parents living arrangements?
Being informed of where the other parent is living - yes completely
Input into those decisions - I genuinely don't understand why this would even be considered.

Toilenstripes · 22/05/2020 19:53

I actually do think it’s her business but perhaps she’s being a bit abrupt. I don’t think a Facet8me meeting with the two of them is an outrageous suggestion. She’s just trying to make sure her kids are safe.

strugglingwithdeciding · 22/05/2020 19:56

Does your dh ex have a new partner since leaving dh if so what's the difference ?

Isitnextyearyet · 22/05/2020 19:58

I don't know how to explain because it seems obvious to me. I would find it odd not to talk to my children's dad about who our children live with. It seems like something any parent would care about. Maybe it wouldn't necessarily change my ultimate decision but I would definitely talk it through. I get that people do things differently.

MeridianB · 22/05/2020 20:02

It sounds like a jealousy or control issue.

It’s your dad. Not some random landlord of a boarding house. I’m sure she wouldn’t hesitate to do the same if the roles were reversed.

Tell her she can meet your dad sometime when she drops off or collects.

Elieza · 22/05/2020 20:12

DH should reassure her that he’d never put the kids in danger or allow harm to come to them and she’s welcome to come pick them up from the house etc as usual. That nothing will change it’s just six months etc.

Then crack on and go for it.

aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2020 20:15

I don't think a Facet8me meeting between the two of them is an outrageous suggestion

Maybe not outrageous, but as a stepmum, my parents are completely separate from my partner's ex and certainly wouldn't appreciate being vetted by her. I would not be comfortable asking them and they'd be perfectly justified in not being interested in indulging her.

HeronLanyon · 22/05/2020 20:17

I think it’s perfectly reasonable for a mother to not be happy about children living with adults , particularly a man, she doesn’t know.
Absolutely no need for any kicking off though ! Your dad would understand surely ? He’s having children love in his house - why wouldn’t he understand their mother might want to be ok with the set up ?
Sure you’ll find a way of sorting it out so she is reassured ?

aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2020 20:35

Heron perfectly reasonable for her to WANT to meet him, certainly, but as with anything like this, OPs dad is his own person who owes her nothing, so if he wouldn't want to do this he shouldn't be pushed.

HeronLanyon · 22/05/2020 22:38

asofanearyou it’s messy but I don’t think I agree. If he knew she wanted to meet him or similar before her children live at his house and he said ‘no’ I just can’t imagine that. I really do think it’s perfectly reasonable (not obviously if she has ‘kicked off’ or similar). He’s every right not to agree and she would then have a right to have a think about what to do about it.

aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2020 22:47

HeronLanyon he'll be letting them stay as a favour, it doesn't automatically follow that he will be fine to be pulled into any drama related to his daughter's husbands ex. For my parents, it is already concerning enough that I have chosen a partner with such complicated baggage that can and does negatively impact on my life, they are polite about it but they certainly wouldn't want to be dragged into it.

Meeting him wouldn't tell her anything meaningful, anyway. There's nothing for her to "do" about it really, in the same way that their father can't do anything about her living arrangements. She just needs to accept that their dad has equal freedom as her to do what he thinks best.

HeronLanyon · 22/05/2020 23:35

Hmm. I’m at the bar and the living arrangements of children are absolutely for those with parental responsibility to be involved in. When they aren’t that’s where concern is often best placed !
It doesn’t need to be high drama but I’m astonished the children’s mother is seen as not having a valid reason to want to know about where they are living.
Hmmm good luck op.

nannytothequeen · 23/05/2020 00:22

I think that she absolutely has reason to know where her children are living and with whom. Of course her children are her business. It might be that she is looking to make a fuss, but the fact that things have worked well previously and I assume she has no history of kicking up a fuss suggests that she might have a genuine issue that your husband and her ex should address. This is for him to sort out.

Magda72 · 23/05/2020 00:30

So for the people who say that it’s the ex’s business and she’s right to be concerned, would you say the same if the OP’s father was moving in with them rather than the other way around? Because this is not an uncommon scenario for a parent to move in with their child as they get older...*
@AlternativePerspective that's an excellent point. Do people honestly think that hypothetically a sm should tell her elderly dad that he can only move it with her & her family once her sdc's mum has spoken to & vetted him???

HeckyPeck · 23/05/2020 00:34

Sorry but are some posters actually suggesting that OPs partner should have sought permission from his ex about where OP and her DP live Grin

It’s not her decision OP. Not in the slightest. Go ahead with the move and don’t let her influence your decisions. I doubt she’d consult your DP before moving a partner in and they’d be a “strange man” it’s realy no different.

Howaboutanewname · 23/05/2020 08:48

Do people honestly think that hypothetically a sm should tell her elderly dad that he can only move it with her & her family once her sdc's mum has spoken to & vetted him???

No. But I’m not sure the fact that might be unreasonable is any less worrying for the parent who has to stand by and have their child live with someone they don’t know at least part of the time. No choice but to trust you wouldn’t put the child in harm’s way but many, many children have suffered abuse right under their parents noses by someone the parents had complete faith in. Pretending the ex is being jealous/controlling/dramatic doesn’t make the problem go away. There is a small, but very real risk to children in this kind of situation.

I would ask her her concerns calmly and try to address them. I am not sure much will change but if you acknowledge the fears at least rather than ignore them, that might help.

AnnofPeeves · 23/05/2020 09:03

No choice but to trust you wouldn’t put the child in harm’s way but many, many children have suffered abuse right under their parents noses by someone the parents had complete faith in

If an abuser can fool a parent, how would an ex meeting them briefly be able to tell? That makes no sense.

EvilPea · 23/05/2020 09:08

In theory your making life better for her kids by doing this and not continuing to rent.
Enabling you to buy gives them more stability and something to inherit.

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2020 09:14

Well even if they get “permission” from the ex, even if she meets him, even if she knows where the house is... what if she’s still not happy about it? What if she still says no? Do they just say “Ok then, we won’t.”

All of this is just giving her too much power over the situation because she knows that if she pulls her face the op and her partner will stall.

Also I really don’t see what meeting the op’s dad will do. If the op’s dad was a potential abuser, how would the ex know this just by meeting him? Is she psychic?