To think DHs ex is being ridiculous?

[MulligansSteakHouse]

Me and DH currently rent, we were notified that we will have to move out by the end of this year as our landlord wants the house back, this is no problem as we were planning on buying this year before all this Pandemic situation kicked off.

Obviously now that's a bit difficult and we're not sure how long it's going to last. Therefore in order to save some more funds in case we need a bigger deposit, we are going to move in with my father.

He has quite a large house and me and DH and his kids will have our own rooms so they will still have privacy.

DHs ex is kicking off about this as she 'doesn't know my Dad' and thinks we should have our own space when the children are with us (which we will).

I could understand if we'd not been together long and my dad was a stranger but we've been married for years now and the kids know my dad and get on well.

And anyway, as said above his house is big enough to give us all our own space anyway.

If it weren't for this current situation we'd probably not even consider this but we want to buy asap and still this year if we can so that we don't have to find another rental in the interim and can save more toward a bigger deposit.

Are we unreasonable? We'd be hoping it was a 6 month max situation.

[OtterBe4]

I hope more ppl read this thread because I'm so sick of MN always defending the ex and how step kids come before everything else.
Ex/first wives can be absolutely batshit crazy, my DPs is off the scale irrational and controlling and has exposed the kids to every in and out of their acrimonious divorce, it's so damaging but their bitterness and anger must come first.

[MeridianB]

Northern’s post makes me think of the other thread on here right now about regrets on marrying someone with children. It’s rare that the children are the problem. It’s the bizarre exes that we didn’t sign up for!

[Elieza]

OMG a 15 year old. WTF us that all about! Does this batshittery finish when she’s 16 or is it as long as she’s in full time education?

[Giespeace]

The 15 YO HAS to be returned at 4pm on a Sunday so she can be bathed

That’s just made me laugh out loud @NorthernSpirit , although I do know from reading your posts over the years that some serious damage is being done to your DSCs by their weirdo mother.
Just picturing a 15 year old in a huff because it’s not the exact specific bath towel she wanted to use and why won’t her rubber ducky stay upright?

[Helmlover1]

@NorthernSpirit unfortunately these crazy women do exist. My partner’s son is 18 (a full grown adult) and his mother still dictates how much contact he has with my partner. He claims that he doesn’t want to upset her by having more(!). He’s also extremely timid and seems to only choose controlling women with issues as girlfriends.

These mothers don’t seem to understand how much damage they are inflicting on their own kids, usually just to try and hurt the father.

[NorthernSpirit]

@Windyatthebeach I had hoped now the kids were teenagers we would have less to do with her! The oldest is now 15 & the mother still controls all contact, wont ‘allow’ anything additional to that stipulated in the contact order (that was agreed 8 years ago). The 15 YO HAS to be returned at 4pm on a Sunday so she can be bathed (I shit you not). Phone calls are only allowed on certain days (as stipulated in the contact order).

I love my OH to bits, but can not wait to have her bat shit fuckery out of ours lives! She’s bonkers! I seriously didn’t know these crazy women existed!

[Windyatthebeach]

When I was a sm the ex went nuts that we had booked a holiday with my dc and not her dd. But we couldn't take the dd as it wasn't fair she had a holiday that the ex wasn't seeing her enjoying herself! So basically she expected us never to go away with my dc!!
Best day of our marriage - when I threw him out - was knowing I never had to deal with her again.

[NorthernSpirit]

This is an example of the ex wife trying to control.

She gets no say in the matter (unless of course there are safe guarding concerns). Does she seek the fathers ‘permission’ when the kids go on sleep overs, meet other people.

Absolutely ridiculous. Do not play into her hands, the control and demands will only get worse.

My OH’s bat shit crazy ex tried pulling a similar stunt. A holiday that had been agreed 6 months before in writing & paid for, the night before collection contact was refused as the children world be with a woman she didn’t know. Of course she had know 6 months before I was going but decided to tell her ex 10 hours before pick up she had ‘changed her mind because she didn’t know me’.

My OH took her to court and the judge threatened a change of residency and she was given a talking to about her control. She was also forced to go on a co-parenting course.

I should add I had know the children for about 3 years at this point - I wasn’t a stranger.

You can not deal with these people, do not play into her power play. The NRP has the same rights as the RP.

[Frankola]

Crack on with your plans. This is non of her business.

This is yet another example of an ex wife trying to control things that are nothing to do with her.

[MarkBrendanawicz]

And a naked hippy caravan commune is the most ridiculous comparison I've ever read on here. It is not even in the realm of being the same thing.

[MarkBrendanawicz]

No, mother's don't have a 'right' to know/be included in or have input in, their exes living arrangements and those of their children when they are with their other parent. I wish people would stop with this 'its her right' business. It isn't.

If she has safeguarding concerns she will need to take that to a court, but simply saying 'I don't know one of the people living in that house and they won't facetime me to allow me to interview them' is not going to cut it.

OPs Dad could just say hello when dropping off but I too wouldn't feel comfortable telling my parents they had to essentially be vetted by my partner's ex and set it all up. How fucking weird. Her meeting him for 2 minutes at the door is not going to give her any new information.

You either trust your child's other parent or you don't. If you don't, take it to court but you'll need a better reason than 'they are living in a house with their dad and their step mothers police sergeant father who has kindly put them up and given them their own rooms in his home'.

Yes of course let her know but I wouldn't open up discussion with my ex about whether he agreed it was okay. It would be to inform him of the change only.

[matchboxtwentyunwell]

"Her dad is a police sergeant. Get a grip. This is not up for discussion with you." From your DH to his ex.

[EmbarrassedUser]

It’s a control thing and is exactly the sort of stunt my DH’s ex would do. In fact, she tried to say that unless we bought a 4 bed then the kids were never coming to say again 😆 Once we’d got over the whole WTF????, we told her to bog off as we couldn’t afford another £100,000 for a 4 bed. She soon changed her tune when she realised that she’d lose her free weekends 😆

[Fruitytootie]

Your dad is probably lovely and it will be wonderful for you all.

But I can completely understand the mum's unease.

[NowSissyThatWalk]

Ridiculous OP, some.posters on here scrabbling over themselves to be on the ex's side, even though they must know deep down this is ludicrous. I do hope the children never stay over at friends houses, go on school trips, as she can't be sure what the adults there are like can she?

The set up sounds lovely and it's actually very kind of your father to put you all up.

[Howaboutanewname]

If an abuser can fool a parent, how would an ex meeting them briefly be able to tell? That makes no sense

At no point in my post did I suggest that meeting the OP’s father was something I agreed with. I did say addressing the mum’s concerns was appropriate. I didn’t agree a meeting was the way to do that.

[funinthesun19]

If you were moving them into a naked hippy commune or a static caravan full time in the winter should she not be allowed to say something?

haha! Those are obviously very different. A normal house which presents no obvious dangers is of course a reasonable place for a child to live.

[Anotherchangeanothername]

Hmmm this is an interesting one.
Firstly, I’m a mum and step mum and we would never have told the kids first before telling the ex. Yes she has a right to express concern at living situations, it’s her right (say might say job)- she’s their mum. If you were moving them into a naked hippy commune or a static caravan full time in the winter should she not be allowed to say something?
Your partner is a coparent. That comes with compromise and management, and the management of the situation seems to be where this might have fallen down slightly.
You need to take the emotion out of the situation and find a way to put her at ease.
Sorry, I know it’s totally shit, and it feels like pandering at times but imo this is how successful coparenting works.

[funinthesun19]

Well even if they get “permission” from the ex, even if she meets him, even if she knows where the house is... what if she’s still not happy about it? What if she still says no? Do they just say “Ok then, we won’t.”

All of this is just giving her too much power over the situation because she knows that if she pulls her face the op and her partner will stall.

Also I really don’t see what meeting the op’s dad will do. If the op’s dad was a potential abuser, how would the ex know this just by meeting him? Is she psychic?

[EvilPea]

In theory your making life better for her kids by doing this and not continuing to rent.
Enabling you to buy gives them more stability and something to inherit.

[AnnofPeeves]

No choice but to trust you wouldn’t put the child in harm’s way but many, many children have suffered abuse right under their parents noses by someone the parents had complete faith in

If an abuser can fool a parent, how would an ex meeting them briefly be able to tell? That makes no sense.

[Howaboutanewname]

Do people honestly think that hypothetically a sm should tell her elderly dad that he can only move it with her & her family once her sdc's mum has spoken to & vetted him???

No. But I’m not sure the fact that might be unreasonable is any less worrying for the parent who has to stand by and have their child live with someone they don’t know at least part of the time. No choice but to trust you wouldn’t put the child in harm’s way but many, many children have suffered abuse right under their parents noses by someone the parents had complete faith in. Pretending the ex is being jealous/controlling/dramatic doesn’t make the problem go away. There is a small, but very real risk to children in this kind of situation.

I would ask her her concerns calmly and try to address them. I am not sure much will change but if you acknowledge the fears at least rather than ignore them, that might help.

[HeckyPeck]

Sorry but are some posters actually suggesting that OPs partner should have sought permission from his ex about where OP and her DP live

It’s not her decision OP. Not in the slightest. Go ahead with the move and don’t let her influence your decisions. I doubt she’d consult your DP before moving a partner in and they’d be a “strange man” it’s realy no different.

[Magda72]

So for the people who say that it’s the ex’s business and she’s right to be concerned, would you say the same if the OP’s father was moving in with them rather than the other way around? Because this is not an uncommon scenario for a parent to move in with their child as they get older...
@AlternativePerspective that's an excellent point. Do people honestly think that hypothetically a sm should tell her elderly dad that he can only move it with her & her family once her sdc's mum has spoken to & vetted him???

[nannytothequeen]

I think that she absolutely has reason to know where her children are living and with whom. Of course her children are her business. It might be that she is looking to make a fuss, but the fact that things have worked well previously and I assume she has no history of kicking up a fuss suggests that she might have a genuine issue that your husband and her ex should address. This is for him to sort out.