When is the best age for children to move in?

[MDD0515]

Been together 2 years. Both have 2 children each all aged 7-10. We moved in together for the lock down to help with everything as he’s a key worker and neither of us wanted to be on our own but he’s moving out after the lockdown because living together is not really what both of our older children want and they are struggling with it.
I would like to live with him but not sure the impact on our children. I know everyone has difference circumstances, it’s not a need financially were both good and can afford to keep both homes easily, both god jobs. We like each other’s company and would like more time together. My issue is, if we leave it, teenage years will be even harder to integrate? What is everyone’s experience on the best ages?

I’m not sure there is an age thing so much as a logistics thing. For me it would be about bedrooms, space and layout of house, proximity to schools and friends and other parents. How are those aspects for all the children?

Hi op I don't have a huge amount of experience with this however when I met my exdp our kids were 8, 12 & 18 (mine) & 8, 11 & 14 (his). We held off interacting the kids for a good 18 months & by that time his kids had no intention of blending with mine. They didn't say this overtly but it became increasingly apparent as we started discussing moving forward and buying a place together. So I personally would say the teenage years are much harder as teens are very vocal & can be very rigid with their stance on things.
Is your dp the rp? & are you also the rp as this will effect things also.
All that being said I know 2 people (acquaintances more than friends) who moved in with partners when they and partners had older teens (16+) & basically just told the kids to put on their big people pants and accept mum & dad were entitled to a life. There was a lot of strife to start but now all are pretty independent young adults who seem a lot more mature & self determining than exdp's kids (now 14, 17 & 20) who are all still hanging out of him by all accounts - so I honestly don't know what is the best approach.
Things are a bit more tricky with pre & younger teens as it's a time when they're testing boundaries & so it can be hard to determine if a 10 years olds distress is genuine or just trying to assert themselves to maintain the status quo.
Either way - living with teens (even your own) is hard work so maybe living apart will preserve the fun & romantic part of your relationship which might suit you & your dp better than the daily slog?
The couples I mentioned up post are both pretty hard nosed in that when they decided to move on teen strops were just not entertained - the kids were just told "we're moving on get over it"! At the time I thought that was pretty awful but it does seem to have worked in the long run.

@MeridianB and @Magda72 thank you for replying. The logistics of living together is harder in a way and further form both other parents. Currently we both live in close proximity of the other parents and their schools. We live 20 mins away from each other. So logistically yes slightly harder but seeing as it’s not that far than I don’t see it as that much of a problem.
Neither of us have ideal houses at the moment but it would only be until we found something more suitable. We both have 4 bedrooms and so one set of children will have to share the biggest of the 3 rooms available (as they are now). I know the house isn’t ideal but as we’ve made the move during the lockdown I was thinking it would make sense to keep it as it was until a larger house became available in our price bracket. Rather than move out then move back in together in a few years when they are 13 and 10 and hormones are everywhere. They would of been really set in their ways and made friends from the senior schools they are gong to in the areas we currently live in.
On the other hand, I’m not sure I’m ready to live full time with someone and it scares me a bit, I’m worried I’m going to make the wrong decision for the children and for us.
We all Generally get on (obviously there’s the odd argument) and we spend a lot of time together, I look after all 4 children whilst my dp is at work and he’s great with mine. It’s a good set up but I know. We have his children 70% of the time and mine full time.

How do you know, that both sets of children doesn't want you all to live together?
Have you had a conversation about it? Or you have a feeling that they seems to not want that?
Do you know it only because your DP said this to you, or you heard that from them directly?
And most importantly: what are the reasons they brought up? Why they don't want their parent to share the living arrangements with another adult?

@humanvision123 it’s only the oldest two children (both of our 10 year olds) that don’t want it, Mine has told me direct and his has told him that he would rather be in their own house, the youngest two are quite happy to go with the flow. I can see why they don’t want it if given the choice. The choices being in your own house with your own parent not having to share their time as much or bring them both together, share the house and make compromises until we get a bigger house. I’m not sure children know or understand the compromise bit because they are all used to having their own spaces. Although we can both easily afford two houses, being in one would mean we could save a lot more and move into a bigger house quicker.

I just want to do what is best for the children. Do we say let’s just go for it and ignore the oldests two wishes or let them dictate our lives And we stay as we are and not become a larger family in our separate homes. I do know that the older they get, the less likely they will all agree. We do all holiday together and spent eow together before the lockdown. The children have all know each other for as long as we have as we met through the children at the same park and carried on meeting up with them.

Personally I’m not sure if I’m ready yet as I’m scared to get financially involved with someone but I am sure that I want to be with him for the long haul and as we’ve moved in for lockdown it seems a good time to make a decision now before puberty fully kicks in with a load of moody teens

I’ve been wondering this too OP. There’s another thread where the partner’s dd doesn’t want to move in with that OP’s son and the general consensus is that her dad is right to listen to her and not blend the families.
Which got me wondering about my own situation. My dd is 12 and likes our family as it is, I have a feeling she’d be resistant to any partner moving in. And using the same logic people could say that age is self-conscious and she would feel uncomfortable living on the same house as an unrelated adult male. So should I forget about the possibility of living with my partner? Or any partner if she’s always resistant?
I don’t want her to feel like her feelings don’t matter but I also don’t want to never live with a partner until she’s 18 (and old enough to be told to get used to it).

In that case the Dd was at school with the OP's son. I think it's understandable that you might not want someone from school see you with no makeup, hair not done etc

I agree that the older they are the more likely that they will be against change and that the younger ones are approaching the age where they'd rather not change the way things are.

@LoveSummerLife I also do want a live in partner at some point and there’s no way I’m waiting another 11 years until my youngest is 18. However because we are already in this situation due to covid, it seems silly moving out if then we want to move back in together again.

I think my main problem is that i know deep down I’m not ready for it quite yet but as we have made the move for covid and the kids have all dealt with it extremely well maybe we should stay as it is and cause less upheaval. Both sets of children actually want to live with the other adult, just not the other children. We both get on amazingly well with each other’s children, and the children all get on to a point, it’s just I think there’s some jealousy there and I’m not sure how we should be handling it. We make a conscious effort to spend time alone with the children even during covid

@MDD0515 - I would also think how the other parents are is pretty important regarding childrens' ability to move on.
In my case my kids had a relatively easy transition from their dad being single to him having a gf, then 2 more kids & eventually marrying because I was on board so to speak; their (natural) insecurities, worries, jealousies never took hold or reached boiling point as I never fuelled them.
In the other hand exdp's exw constantly 'encouraged' their kids to resent me and my children calling us their father's "other family" & telling them he'd forgotten them; given me & my kids all his money & how we'd robbed her & them of what was due to them. All bullshit but this and other stuff she said really made blending impossible.
I'm not sure if your situation is similar but it really is something to take on board.
I also think if you don't feel ready now don't do it - yet. Listen to your gut. Once you've moved in together there's no going back without large consequences. Exdp lived with me & my kids during the week when he wasn't with his kids & my dd is still very upset we split up & really misses him; something I feel pretty guilty about still.

@Magda72 how long ago did you split up? I do worry that my dp sends a lot of time with my children and so if he decided he wants to split up then they will miss him so much and would feel really bad that I put them in a situation after already suffering from the divorce of their parents. He is a good person and is amazing with my children and I want them to see what a nice family life is as we didn’t have that when I was married to their dad. But in the other hand I’m showing them something that can easily be taken away making us vulnerable to his actions and I don’t like feeling like that. As much as we are all great at the moment, I am very aware that it can all change in a second on both sides.

I think the way the children’s are with the other adults is fine because both side of other parents don’t really bad mouth us and us not them. I do put it down to jealousy between the children, his often ask to spend time with me when my two go to their dad and mine look forward to his Children going back to their mums house.

To be honest I didn’t think life would be so hard post divorce, I didn’t like my husband one bit and still don’t but there are so many other things I now worry about