Asking for advice (as a Dad)

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OK so not sure if this is the right place but worth a try I think.

I separated from my ex about 20months ago. She moved on very quickly (was very suspicious) but anyway my question is this. Despite her having a partner and living (as was) in the family home with new partner she's still very difficult. Funny about child access, doesn't like the thought of me with a new partner (I've dated a couple of people briefly) and is generally difficult.

My eldest is 11 and youngest 5. I kind of think that I'm probably going to have to wait until youngest is about 10 to start dating seriously (as hopefully by then all the kids will be old enough to make up their own mind and the ex not able to manipulate things like she does at present) .
Just after honest opinions based on experiences.

I am the girlfriend in this scenario. I recently had a thread on here about my DP's ex. I have two SC, one is 13 and the other is 8. Both have different mums. The mum of the 8-year-old is causing a lot of hassle for my DP at the moment, both generally and in relation to me.

You do not deserve to miss out on your own happiness because of your ex. When I started dating my DP, he was very honest and open with me about his situation, and warned me his ex could cause trouble (although he actually thought it would be the other one!). It was then for me to decide whether I wanted to get involved in the relationship.

His ex has a partner, own house, etc. but clearly didn't want him to move on with his life. She manipulates things and my DSD is constantly torn between liking me and being loyal to her mum. However, my DP's opinion is that the children will make up their own minds about me. If we show we are united and don't put their mums down to them, like one certainly does about us, then they will see which parent has the issues.

It is definitely a long-haul thing, but don't waste your life because your ex is horrid. You deserve better xx

Your new relationships are none of her business.

My DP did not tell to his DC's mother about his dating life at all. His DC got to know me and loves me (not as a step-parent but as a dad's friend).
When DC mom finally learned that dad has a GF, her actions couldn't affect DC opinion of me anymore. As the result of keeping low profile and taking things slowly, DC loves spending time with us.
Yes, she is difficult. But as she had no chance to middle from beginning, the damage is minimal. We are supporting DC and making sure that least in our house DC's time is drama free.

What is she difficult about? What are her issues? They could be valid or not. Discuss these together and keep an open mind over her reasons.

If you can't both compromise so your kids can see you on a regular pattern, you'll have to go to court.

Your relationships are none of your ex business. And you shouldn't put your happiness on hold. Date and meet new people and keep it separate from your children to start with. If it is something more serious go slowly and gently. And as pp has said when the ex get wind of it there should be solid foundations for the new relationship to with stand the difficulties.

It sounds like dog in the manger behaviour.

When I met my DH (years after he split from ex) we dated for a full year before I met DSC and I was the first partner he’d introduced them to.

DH was and is a model father, always put children first, always flexible when he could be to help ex, gave her the family home, paid a four figure sum in maintenance every month. But she never seemed happy. Always wanted more control, more power, more money. Did so many unnecessary things which impacted on DCSs and caused great unhappiness for no reason. Said so many spiteful things.

DH never says a bad word about her in front of his children.

She has no friends now and doesn’t understand why. She’s never had another partner.

It was very hard for many years. We just kept pUtting DSCs first.

You shouldn’t wait five years for a new relationship. My advice would be to date as much as you want on your child-free weekends, and don’t tell her anything about your private life until you are ready to introduce your children to your new partner. And then you’re telling her as a courtesy, not asking her. You could even do it after the meeting, so she can’t interfere.

Thanks for the messages. It's kind of what I thought. Build a relationship and then introduce kids when we have a solid foundation. We had mediation recently and that's helped. Will see how it pans out.