Step parent discipline

[Nmechangeyetagain]

What are everyone’s views on step parent and discipline? We don’t live together (and although I love spending time with him, I am not sure I want to live with him until my dc are through their teenage years).

But the conversation re discipline came up recently after watching a film and I have very strong feelings that I would never want him to discipline my dc and vice versa. If they did something really wrong and he was in charge at the point, then yes, absolutely, but not the day to day things that dc of this age might do. He feels that we should both have an equal say/discipline for all 3dc.

Thoughts?

Should say, 2dc mine, 1dc his.

I think if you live together you set up the house rules and everyone knows what they are and everyone enforced them.
Otherwise you end up with someone potentially feeing uncomfortable in their own home. However, majority of discipline and any major situations should be dealt with by their bio parent

Agree with the above poster.

My OH and I live together (have done so for 3 years, known the kids for 4.5 years).

I don’t have kids of my own.

I went into living together thinking that my OH would do all discipline.

However, this doesn’t always work - as sometimes I’m with them on my own and frankly there’s been times when I haven’t been able to hold my tongue (nothing major, bad table manners etc).

The majority of discipline is carried out by their parent however it’s our house and I do have a say.

The key is to set boundaries, be united.

I think if you are going to live together then you both need to be able to discipline them all, yes, and it won't work if you are both so defensive of your children you would overreact to any instance of this. It just doesn't make for a harmonious living situation, and it's not fair to expect someone to live with a child they can't appropriately discipline.

I think it depends on the overall expectations of the blended unit, which has to be discussed between you before you move in, of course. There has to be consistency so that everyone knows where they stand and there are no hurt feelings.
For example, if you say to him “you don’t get a say on how my children are disciplined” because he’s not really their parent then by the same token you can’t then expect things such as childcare when it suits, financial provision such as inheritance. And you certainly cannot ever go in a huff about children not being treated equally by your MIL at Christmas and so on.
It depends how much blending you want there to be.

I'd say if you live together then yes, I wouldn't have a problem with him being involved in discipline providing you agreed it was the right type/form.

I agree with your views OP. I wouldn't like someone else disciplining my child who isn't their parent.

It becomes a raw deal for stepchildren, who can have 4 adults disciplining them, instead because of 2, because their parents relationship failed.

Your house: your rules are applying to everyone.
His house: his rules are applying to everyone.
You living together: agreed rules, agreed consciences - the same to all of the children. Both parents are enforcing those equally.
Simple.

*consequences

IMO it depends what you mean by disciplining, shouting at them for doing something wrong or something like removing their screen time as a consequence?

But then can he really be classed as a step parent to your kids if he doesn't even live in the same house?

A key aspect to deciding whether moving in together is whether the couple has a common view on disciplining. I think this is the only way things are going to work for everyone.

It means that the step-parent rarely gas to intervene when the parent is present because the parent will do so themselves. When the parent isn't around, the parenting doesn't come as a shock because it is in line with what the kids are used to.

Too many recomposed families fail because the parent shave to significantly different views on parenting, with usually the SM being a lot stricter on 'rules' whilst the dad is all to happy to let the SM deal with discipline because disciplining kids is not fun. The kids are confused and understandably don't like being disciplined by the SM and grow to resent her. The SM then grows to resent the father for not doing his bit being the one disliked by the kids.

If you don't discipline your kids in a similar way than he does, if you think that his kids needs disciplining even before you consider moving in together, don't do it, just don't.

In our household, both parent and step-parent 'discipline' equally. That is because there are common rules and expectations so it isn't that one is doing things completely different to another. If the parent is in the room then the parent normally takes control. If it is a problem that the step parent is facing then they deal with it. There is respect between children and adults and when everyone works on the same page and adults discuss matters then things are fine. Sometimes we disagree but those discussions are held out of ear shot of the child so that we can better parent together. We are one family living under one roof.

I am well aware though that this does not work for everyone. You have to do what is right for your family.

I wish we'd had this discussion as his dd walks on water and we all walk on egg shells so she doesn't tantrum (age 14). My dd when his dd is around takes the brunt of her and everything is deflected. She gets away with it all, mine don't. I told her off for lying once and she went to school crying who then called a meeting accusing me of abuse. It was horrific and if I'd known at that time it would never ever get better I may be in a different place. My advice, have a serious conversation and agree what works in your house

I'm a step parent and I don't have any children of my own. We've been together for over 6 years and lived together for 2. The children's mum has said that she's happy for me to 'tell them off' when they're being naughty/fighting etc. I'm careful not to butt in when she's parenting. I'm also not willing to be on the receiving end of stinking attitudes. I look at it from the angle of personal boundaries if that makes sense. It can be hard and I try my best. I love them and I want to have a good relationship with them, I'm confident that we do. I hope it stays that way and I'm aware that mine and my partner's childrens' relationship will grow and change as they grow up. I'll continue to try my best

My relationship with my girlfriend's kids actually got stronger when I helped with the discipline. Like they couldn't really work out my 'role' before then. Every other relevant adult in their life - teacher, pedagogue, parent - would enforce boundaries with them, not doing that made me an oddity that confused them I think.

With no kids of my own it was easier since I was enforcing their mum's rules, rather than my own (except asking them not to say f & s - they're Danish and the Danes seem quite relaxed about English swearwords!)

Their dad, who I think is far too harsh, has told my girlfriend he thinks I'm too soft on them....

Should be equal IMO. Unless of course your idea of his ‘discipline’ doesn’t match with yours.

Personally? Any adult around my children (family, friends, partner) has the absolute right to discipline my children. They’re children and having boundaries asserted by a variety of adults is good for them. If I had an issue with someone disciplining my children, then I’d ask myself why I was allowing them to be around my children tbh.