Making a bond

[Bigparrot]

I've been staying at my partners during lockdown and his daughter (11) has been staying more often. She would normally stay one or two nights a week and I might see her or maybe be at mine - especially if she was only there one night so that she had time with her dad.

We've been together for nearly 2 years and were hoping to move in together this year so I was looking forward to spending more time with her during lockdown. I've tried to do activities and plan things that she might enjoy but she really doesn't seem bothered - unless her dad is involved and he encourages her. She's a lovely girl and I'd like to get to know her better but it feels hard to continue making an effort when it's unacknowledged and maybe completely counterproductive. Part of me feels like I should just back off accept that she only wants to spend time with her dad.

I'd like to know if this is just a stage of the process that I need to keep smiling through - and for how long??

And if there's anything that helped to get to know and bond with your partners children more?

I'm starting to feel out of my depth!

11 is the start of a difficult age for girls.
A few questions if I may
How many/much time did you meet/spend with her before the lockdown.
What was your relationship with her before.
Was she aware of the plans for you to move in or was she only told after

I think you should back off a bit. 11 is a weird age. I would just continue to be nice to her and let the relationship grow naturally. DPs eldest is about to turn 13 and she would spend all her time here sat in her bedroom staring into her phone if do didn't switch it off and force her to join us and her sister occasionally. Don't take it personally.

She's probably a bit confused. You are at her dad more often but still not officially living with him. From her perspective, things haven't changed, she still come to see her dad and wants to do things with him. You need to take things slower rather than being as enthusiastic as you are to do things together to bond. It will be 3aduer when you do officially move in together and she's had time to be told and process it.

@Cabinfever10 we spent a few days out all together and have been at my partners for evenings in. She had been to mine too and loved my cats and chatting to me about her interests. Before lockdown I thought we were getting on fine. I think she knew that I was going to be at her dad's during lockdown but the conversation was left up to him so I'm not sure.

I think most tween/teenagers are just interested in watching Netflix, going on social media and playing on game consoles. I wouldn’t take it personally, if I tried to get my DSS to do an activity with me during the day he wouldn’t be interested at all. I’ve known him 4 years and had 50/50 custody for 2. Just continue to be nice, make conversation over dinner/when she’s in the room. Suggest watching a film of her choice in the evening.

Thank you all for your advice. I guess with the situation how it is atm I've focused on things at my partners and become a bit impatient.

I take your point about backing off giving her and her dad some space.

@jamjar18 Good tips.

I was worried if I didn't try to make activities for us both she would think I wasn't interested in getting to know her. But I'll give her the space.

You said she is interested when you are doing something all three together.
Why not? You can get yo know her when you all are together. Don't exclude her dad! She is in his house to see her dad and now she may feel, that you are trying to separate her from her dad.

I've never really done activities one on one with my (now grown up) SC's . We did family stuff, board games, camping holidays and suchlike. We all get on just fine.
I will have the occasional WhatsApp chat with either one of them usually to share a joke or funny picture.
It's a different role to being a parent and don't take it personally if the child doesn't seek time alone with you.