Help with swallowing my pride?

[Newmum1200]

Hello everyone,

I decided to write this and ask for advice after reading so many supportive comments from people on there current situations. I hope you are all keeping safe and well in these sad times

God no, do not allow her to reign over your lives, that’s a terrible idea. She’s using her daughter as a weapon to control you and your partner which is despicable because you sound like you’ve done everything in your power to have a harmonious relationship with her. Cut the maintenance to the standard rate and put it towards getting a court order in place. Explain to her that this is what you’re doing since she appears incapable of being reasonable and putting her daughters well-being first.

I agree with mellow bird.
Have you mentioned court to the ex? She would also have to pay for mediation and a solicitor / barrister if it came to it.
In our case a threat of court was enough to get the increase in custody my DP requested.

Our situation with DHs ex wasn’t as bad as yours but when she stopped contact for no reason, he went to a solicitor, had the appropriate letters sent and contact arrangement drafts set up with the promise that if she didn’t engage constructively he would be cutting her maintenance to the CMS rate (that would have been about £200 per month drop at that time) to put the money towards taking her to court.

I know some people would say it was a bad move (not pay per view blah blah) but the money was still to be spent for DSDs benefit and I don’t see what other choice he had at that point. He could pay that woman to keep his child from him or he could pay a solicitor to make sure he could have a relationship with his child. He couldn’t do both.

Money talks to some people. Some tweaks were made to the formal contact agreement, the papers were lodged, contact resumed and has remained consistent ever since ( nearly three years now I think)

Thank you for your comment, and now i feel like no i should not allow this situation but how do i convince my partner that going to court is the right thing?

she is very cleaver at emotional manipulation that he believes his daughters wellbeing is better without him in it and he does not like the idea of dragging the situation through the courts? Its the only way! xx

If she is on benefits will she still have to pay we don't get any legal aid as we both work full time?

Thank you for your comment xx

It might not come to court. Just taking the first steps towards a legal agreement may be enough to make the mother see that he is serious about being in his child’s life and won’t just be airbrushed.
As for making him believe his daughter is better off without him - unless he’s abusive or neglectful then that’s just not true. No good ever came of a girl growing up into a young woman who believes her daddy did love or want her enough to be in her life.
If he goes down the official route, even if it all goes wrong, he can prove to her when she comes knowing as an adult that he did love her and fight for her. That could prove to be so, so important in the future.

No she will not be entitled to legal aid unless there was any domestic abuse involved (I’m assuming not). As for convincing your partner, I really think you need to take a hard line with him and make it clear that you are no longer willing to dance to her tune and be subjected to her every whim for the foreseeable future. It really is no way to live and it’s not fair to you, your partner or your DSD.

Agree with the others here. As you have fixed each issue the ex has come up with new (even more ridiculous) ones. So it will never end unless you get tough. Using a child to exert control like is really low. Please don’t give in as you will be able to get a much better - and sustainable - result for your DSS by standing up to the ex now.

Court.

Thank you all for your comments and yes even though he never missed a payment his ex took him to CMS anyway out of spite so we have to pay rightly so but my partner pays extra on top which you are more than allowed to do so hopefully if we ever get to court then that will show in his favour. The thing is its not really about the money we understand children are expensive we just want regular contact but I feel like we are paying for a child who is currently invisible to us no letter call video chat because mum said it isn't her responsibility to encourage his daughter to speak to him?

The real issue is pushing my partner to understand his daughter needs him no matter how she may be reacting right now she is to young to make that decision poor girl.

The real issue is pushing my partner to understand his daughter needs him no matter how she may be reacting right now she is to young to make that decision poor girl.

Exactly this. She is too young to decide she doesn’t need her dad, too young to decide she doesn’t need to go to school, too young to decide she doesn’t need to brush her teeth. She is too young because she has no concept of the long term damage these decisions would do to her life. This is why children need responsible parents to look out for their interests and do what’s best for them in the long run.

The issue as you said here is your partner...he's being a pushover, by not realising his place in his DDs life. Does he generally lack confidence on other areas of life?

Using a child like this is very bad behaviour from women. It's really not in the best interests of the child.

I think I'd do what the pp said about reducing maintenance towards court.

There are a lot of adults who were damaged by being abandoned by their Dads. I realise that he wants to see her so technically the opposite of abandonment but sd is likely to see it as that if he doesn't make an effort. I've read a lot of stories on here from women who say that their Dad's abandonment led them to make inappropriate choices in partners because they craved love from a man regardless of quality.

I think that the co-parenting idea will just lead to you having to go to court later. It's easier emotionally and financially to get it done sooner rather than later.