New to this - support/advice appreciated

[NewStepParent]

I met my partner just under a year ago and he has a 13 y/o.

He had not long separated from his wife (about a month) and he’s not dated anyone else in between.
I’m also widowed (4years when we met, now approaching 5), which throws up its own issues.

So I’ve pretty much ticked all the dating don’t’s that I hear people talk about for my first r/ship back out there after losing my husband.

I have a great r/ship with DSD and, as the child of divorce myself, I’ve gone through this process and I’m making a big effort to try and do things right by everyone. DSD talks to me a lot about how she feels going through this.
BM is also in a new r/ship now.

We recently moved in together (to my house) and it’s taken a big effort from me to get the house ready for them. Not least because it’s meant I’ve had to go through my late partners things and move them to make space for my partner and DSD.

Overall it’s been a positive experience and it’s helped to make my house feel like home again.

BM has, at times been challenging, my partner and BM initially struggled to set up new, clear boundaries between them. This led to some difficult times and stern conversations at the beginning of the year but thankfully we’re past these and things are a lot better. Though things are a bit delicate atm as my partner has recently filed for divorce.
I’m trying to see things from BM’s side also as I appreciate this can’t be easy for her either.

I’ve had my own wicked stepmother once upon a time and so really am trying to give them time am when she’s here, I try to create a positive environment and I try and be respectful of her when she’s here (I knock before going into any room she’s in, ask for her input with things in the home and help with meals) I try to do 1 thing a day with her, even if it’s just for 10 mins, I’ve showed her how to make fresh cross’s it’s and pain au chocolate for breakfast, showed her how to use our dishwasher and washing machine etc. And, as I have a dining table that her Dad didn’t, we’re eating 3 meals a day together at the table, which she’s said she really enjoys.

It’s been by no means plain sailing and I’m sure there will be many more ups and downs. Considering how much life has changed in 5 years I’m trying to be adaptable.

I guess I’m just posting to get a feel of others’ experiences who may be further along the step parent journey than me.

Thanks for reading

She’s her mother/mum/mummy. Not her birth mother.

Apologies @howaboutanewname - I’ve seen in other forums mum referred to as ‘BM’. Didn’t mean to it to upset/offend or seem disrespectful. I’ll keep in mind for future posts. Thanks

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your DSD and have obviously put a lot of thought and effort into it.

I think the make or break is the partner, how supportive they are & also how they parent.

Most of the posts on here where people are having a problem are down to the partners i.e: partners having no or little consequences for their children, leaving the parenting to the step parent whilst also not letting them have any say and also the ones who object to the step parent spending time doing their own thing.

It’s a challenging role, but so much easier when you have a decent partner. I think setting your own boundaries is key.

Its disrespectful to refer to her a BM that's in applied she has no or little contact with her child and is used in adoptive purposes.

It's really unfair to get into a new relationship a month after her parents split up, you're dps child must be spinning, I think it's too early days to refer to her as a step child, within less than a year you've moved in together. Its slot for the child and mother to process in such a short period of time. It sounds as if wants a woman to look after him after moving on so quickly from the breakdown of his marriage.

God this place is depressing sometimes.

You've come to the wrong place for advice on step-parenting I'm afraid. This board is full of posters who will police your language and behaviour to the point where nothing you do or say is right!

Too friendly, overstepping and disrespectful to their mum.
Not friendly enough, clearly not cut out for a relationship with a father.
Just the right amount of friendly, too try-hard, just step away and let the child be with her parents.

You literally cannot win on this board. I'd suggest finding a supportive facebook group or buying some books on step-parenting for advice rather than asking here, where any SM is automatically assumed to be a home-wrecking, evil child-hater or a desperate Hand That Rocks the Cradle nutter trying to steal someone's DCs!

You literally cannot win on this board. I'd suggest finding a supportive facebook group

Agree with this too. There are supportive posters here but also ones gleefully sticking the boot in at any opportunity.

I know of another site that actually supports step parents - can pm you :-)

She isn’t BM and I think referring to yourself as SM at this point is overstepping the mark. Her mum is her mum and always will be. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a great relationship with your partner’s daughter but I think you’re worrying about this too much. I do think it’s great you see her as family but maybe just slow down a bit.