Hey so just jumping on here if that's OK.
And apologies this is a long message!
When I found out my partner had a child to be honest it filled me with dread. I had this whole dream about meeting a partner and having our own kids and it just being us etc and heard nightmare stories about friends, they partners, exes and their step children.
It quickly became apparent his ex was a needy pain in the arse (she is married but did initiialy think she still had some feelings for my partner. Quickly realised she's very insecure and needy).
And it was shit when we first moved in together as his child wanted one on one time together with his dad (and it was all boys stuff like football and playstation) so I felt obliged to let them have their time but then I felt like a stranger in my own house. Felt so lonely most weekends.
One day I read an article about how actually, it isn't the kids that come first but it's the partners.
Because if your kids (or step kids) see their parents as a united couple, having fun and a laugh, they will want to be part of it. I don't mean the kids come second at all. It was just saying that if you show love between you and don't leave anyone out then kids want to be part of your life. However never make the kids think they are number 1 as they become spoiled and used to being centre of attention. Which is what my partners child was like especially as he got treated as the bloody king at his own house by his mum and made to feel even more special that her husband. Consequently, he hates his step dad as his mum pushes him out at home.
I had a big chat with my partner about how I was getting fed up and felt down about sitting here on my own every weekend whilst they did stuff together. We changed things around, got his son involved in cooking with us (he's 11 so a good age to start anyway), we play games together, go out a bit more (before this whole covid stuff) and are more of a family.
There are times when the child says he wants him and dad time, which he gets plenty of, however if it's at a time that we've arranged something for us all to do then his dad makes that clear. But it's far and few between and he's always asking for us to play games together when he comes over.
Don't get me wrong, step parenting is hard but I'm a very hands on step mum and don't have any issues with disciplining my step son if he disrespects us or anything we ask him to do (although he has learned not to mess with me because I won't take any sh1t.) I discussed this with my partner first by the way and said that I wasn't going to sit back and have a child talk to me like shit so either he wanted us to "parent together" or it wouldn't work. He was actually grateful for the help and advise as never had any parenting help himself.
My step child has also commented to his dad how much he likes me and how he knows that I'm sometimes strict but actually said he knows i need to be. I treat my step son exactly how I will when we have our own kids (which we've been trying for, for some time and stepson knows this). I've also had to get my partner to be a little stricter as he was treating his son more like a friend when we first met and that wasn't working.
Plus I said when we have our own kids my partner can't be softer on his own kid and more strict on ours so we both have to agree on our parenting skills and be the same otherwise we will have issues (between us and with the kids).
I'm sure people will read this and think that's not right but it works. Had my partner not agreed to make changes then I don't think it would have worked.
I also have to put up with his ex who is a needy busy body but I just have to take a deep breath and realise we are happy and she's not (things aren't working for her and her husband).
By the way I don't agree with someone who said "you have to love someone else's kids". I'll never love my partners kid. I like him and want him as part of my life but it will never be the same as having my own kids (when I do have them). My mum felt the same with her step daughter and my friends feel the same with their step kids. Maybe if I met him when he was really young it would be different but it's just not like that. He's not mine.
Anyway sorry to rant on! Sure people will have a go at me for something here.
It is hard, and things take time. But if you are with the right person then it'd worth it 😊