Adapting to being with someone who has kids

[Hettie25674]

Any positive tips please?

I think you have to accept that the children will (and should) always come before you. Depending on your situation, you may have very little time together without their children, and you will have be okay with this, otherwise it won't work.

You will also need to be open to the situation changing; your partner might be a part-time parent now, but the children could end up living with them full-time in the future.

It is hard to adjust, but definitely manageable if you go in with an open mind!

Good luck OP xx

On the flipside I would say don't lose sight of your own worth because all you're hearing is that only the kids matter. Everyone involved matters, including you. Set your own boundaries on how involved you want to be, and what you need from a partner and be clear about them just like you would in any other relationship. Don't feel bullied into putting up with things you aren't comfortable with, remember you have a voice and a good partner should listen to it. Remember that the children have two parents and you aren't obligated to provide childcare.

Your partner needs to find ways of balancing being a good parent with being a good partner, not guilt tripping you into accepting being treated badly by him, them or others, or neglected in your relationship because "it's just how it is with kids". It's on your partner to make it work, not you to make sacrifice after sacrifice.

What asofanearyou said

Also if you post on here remember that some posters hate step mothers and delight in putting them down so you need to be thick skinned and be prepared for the onslaught.

Other than that I'd like to say that it can be a lovely experience. I get on really well with DPs children and we have a lovely time with them. If you read this board it can seem like it's always terrible but as long as everyone respects each other it's fine.

Why would you complicate your life by getting involved with a guy who's got so much baggage? 9 times out of 10 it becomes apparent why his relationship with the mother of his children broke down and often his goal in the new relationship is to find someone to do the grunt work of parenting. So many people out there who don't have this added baggage.

Sorry OP, I didn't for one minute mean that you aren't also important. Of course you are!

I just meant to point out that it is very different dating someone with children, compared to someone who doesn't. When you get into a relationship, you want to be number one. You aren't the only number one when there are children xx

Give and take massively. If you have any set things you need you have to be clear, for instance time together without kids is set where possible.
Dont rush in with the kids, let then naturally build a relationship with you.

@tinroofrusty I don't consider my partner's children "baggage" thank you very much.

You don’t have to make your life revolve around his children.

Don’t let people boss you about.

People will make comments. Stick up for yourself if you need to.

Your money is nothing to do with the ex wife.

If you have children of your own now or in the future, you are their mum and they need you to look out for them. Don’t let the pressures of being with someone with a child mean your own children always come second.

Never forget your self worth.

I've seen it work.

The families where I see it work is due not using the stepmother as a dogsbody to do the dull side of parenting like cleaning up after the kids and looking after them for free during the 6 week summer holidays.

I think that you need lots of info on what his relationship with his ex is like. If he's always giving in to her because he's scared that she'll prevent him seeing the kids then you need to avoid. Men like that will expect you to cave into the ex's demands regardless of how unreasonable they are.

How old are the kids? Some ages are easier than others despite logic might suggesting that older kids would be more accepting.

You also need to find out what he's like as a parent. If he lives close to the kids but doesn't do any of the boring bits then that's a red flag. If his time with the kids is non-stop treats then that's a warning that if you have kids with him then your life will centre around when the step kids next arrive. Dads like that often won't have treats with the child who lives with them because they feel guilty about the others regardless of whether or not the treat would be enjoyed by them,

If he's just split up then that's a red flag. Over a year then that's much better

Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction

I agree with @aSofaNearYou 100%.

A decent partner won’t make you feel unimportant, as many posters on this board would suggest. Quite frankly, if a parent isn’t able to spend some time nurturing a relationship with another adult then they have no business being in one and shouldn’t waste the other persons time.

Be led by him and the children. Don’t have any particular expectations of what your relationship with them will be - only what it will not be. I was clear from the start that I wasn’t the least bit interested in taking any parental responsibility for DSD, snd DH has never expected it of me. That’s not to say I haven’t looked after her alone, bought her clothes, taken her out, cooked her meals or anything - just that it is neither automatically expected nor is it frequent. I back DH up, I do not do his job for him.

Take your time. I started dating DH about a month after he left his ex, but it was 2 years before I met DSD. We had taken the time to establish our own relationship and decide that it was the big one and we’re very solid before we started negotiating the dynamics with DSD and her mum. I think this really helped us cope with all the dramas and upheaval.

stepmomming.com/okay-to-take-up-space/

Warning advice: this forum has a lot of people waiting to jump in and be horrible to step mums. To those it won’t matter what the situation is, they’ll just love the chance to kick you while you’re down. That’s not to say their aren’t supportive posters here too, but the other ones can be incredibly nasty. (I do know of another forum that is very supportive of step parents - happy to pm it to you if that’s allowed)

@Heckypeck you're so naughty

@HeckyPeck I really needed to hear that! I completely agree- people are so negative on here. I'm so new to all this and all I have received is pessimistic views. Would love a PM but not sure how to do it

My EXH has just recently introduced his girlfriend to our 5 year old DS. We've been divorced almost 2 years now. It was actually her suggestion that my EXH discuss it with me before they were introduced, which I think says a lot about her as a person. As it turns out, DS really does adore her! She bakes with him at the weekend and always sends some delicious baked goods back for me! DS says she's really kind, they play fun games together and she makes him laugh a lot! I'm actually so happy that DS feels so comfortable around her and she treats him like her own. I think that's a very important point for step parent. I actually spoke to her this evening when I video called DS before he went to bed, and she seems really lovely! It makes me happy that she makes DS happy. Although, I think it may have compounded the fact that I am on my own, and his Dad isn't, from DS point of view anyway. He told his Dad that he doesn't like leaving me on my own, which is thoughtful, however I'm absolutely fine on my own! I obviously miss him when he's not here, but I'm glad he has her around to provide a more 'motherly' comfort for him, should he need it. Some EXW may not feel this way though.

@Stantons 😇 :-D

I have PM’d you @Hettie25677

Don't!

You need to geuinely love the children, have patience, kindness, a forgiving heart, self-worth, like-minded friends and if the children are young... ear defenders.

@FTstepmum no you don't and saying that can cause someone in an otherwise good relationship to start having doubts.

OP you don't have to live the kids, looking them is a good start but that doesn't all have to come from you making the effort, the kids have to at least be polite, their father needs to include you and not let you feel like you come second and their mother needs to not bad mouth you put encourage the kids to dislike you

I would say you have to feel that your new partner having children is a positive thing that you want to be part of. Not an inconvenience that you want as little of as possible. When I met my OH she didn't have children but did have her elderly mentally unwell mum living with her. It was part of the package of falling in love with her. What was also true, though, was that my OH definitely wasn't ruled by the situation and was very clear that she fully wanted a committed relationship, and that my future mil would have to fit in with that.

I bc could never do it apart from maybe someone with kids in their 30s upwards.
But then I don't want kids myself. So I even less want someone else kids around (least with my own I assume there would be some actual bond to get us through tricky bits)

Yes, maybe love might be difficult for some new step-mums at first, but... I would say the need to be kind and accepting towards step-children is essential, at the very least.

How would a blended family relationship work otherwise?

OP, I think the fact that you are asking for advice gives a good indication that you are the kind and willing type. Good luck to you! Xxx

@FTstepmum thank you for your positivity. Nice to get a positive response rather than everyone else just telling me to get rid!