Elated and Disappointed

[Malone98]

Hi Mumsnetters,

I'm not looking for advice, just want to get things off my chest

My DP proposed to me on Monday, and I was so excited. My DSS (13) had stayed for the weekend and knew that his DF was going to propose. As soon as my DP told him I'd said yes, my DSS was messaging me saying how happy he was. It made the proposal even better, knowing he was happy with it.

We saw my DSD (8) yesterday. She wouldn't talk to me when she first arrived (DP had told her in the car that we were engaged) and wouldn't acknowledge our engagement in any way. What has made me sad is that a few months ago, she would have been really excited. Since lockdown, my DP and I have moved in together and the arrangement is now permanent. DSD has spent most of lockdown with her DM, and when she has visited DSD has pulled DP to one side on various occasions to complain that I'm not her mum, that things are changing and she doesn't like it, that I'm horrible to her, etc. My DP has defended me and has told her he has agreed every change that has been made, doesn't agree that I am horrible to her, etc. I'm never alone with her so he witnesses how I treat her, and would definitely tell me if he had concerns.

We were out walking the other weekend with her and I used the word 'parenting' in a conversation with her. She then pulled DP away and complained about it. He explained that adults parent children, and that I wasn't trying to be 'mum'. He has spoken to her in depth about her problem with me and he believes it is originating from her DM.

I know we can't change things, I just feel upset that she isn't happy we are getting married.

Anyway, that's my venting over! Xx

I think probably that getting engaged and moving in together seem like two big changes to her. Have you been together a while? I think the best thing is probably to give her space and time to get used to the idea and just continue to be kind and friendly towards her, perhaps also trying to involve her in the planning would help.

She’s only 8 and is probably finding everything very hard to deal with.
Congratulations on your engagement.

I completely understand that she could be finding it all a bit overwhelming, and we have tried as much as possible to involve her with things (like we're doing up the flat so video call her when we have added something or ask her opinion on an item). It is definitely made harder with lockdown.

I appreciate your input.

@LovingLola Thank you! Xx

I thought this was a twins bay names thread!

A long time ago my mum remarried. I wouldn’t speak to him. I felt betrayed by both of them. It took a couple of years but I truly grew to love the old codger.

@HollowTalk Haha, could well be for some people

@wonderrotunda I can understand that she might feel that her DF was moving on and that maybe she is worried that he loves me more than her (he definitely doesn't!). What is a shame is that, before lockdown, she asked us several times if we were going to get married, and was excited at the prospect. She even said she'd wear a bridesmaid dress (she hates anything girly!). It just feels like such a massive step backwards xx

Everyone is dealing with this situation differently. The pandemic, you moving in with her dad and then getting engaged is a lot for anyone to deal with.

I think you need to be more sensitive to her needs. She didn't like you using the word parenting, so don't use it. You could say supervising instead. Her dad 'explaining' to her that her feelings are wrong probably won't make her feel great. Thank t sounds like she needs to feel in control of something right now.

I don't mean it as a negative, but you have to remember you and your partner have been able to make choices through all this, she is literally having everything changed around her with no say.

Congratulations on your engagement, hopefully things will get easier soon.

You mentioned changes that she didn't like. What were they? It's likely she associates these changes with you even if agrees with them. Depends on what they are. If it is that she has to go to her room earlier so they your oh can spend time with you when he would have been cuddling to the sofa with her before, it's understandable she would be upset and expecting to be even more pushed away in the future. Maybe it was too many changes too quickly?

@lunar1 When she makes comments about things I've said, I do alter the way I say things. When I used the term 'parenting', I was speaking to her about her DF and I; I would never use it just about me.

I do completely understand that things are changing around her. We include her as much as possible, but to be honest she doesn't like 'grown up' conversations and therefore won't contribute when we try to include her. We will keep trying though!

@dontdisturbmenow My DP didn't go into any details with me about what she said. However, DSD has wanted a dog for the last year, and during lockdown DP and I adopted a puppy for the family. This has meant that DP has changed rules on DSD playing her toys in the front room (she can as long as they are confined and she realises that the pup may chew them, so it has been suggested that she plays her toys in her room instead (unless it's something like her baby dolls, which can easily be played on the sofa)). We have also moved the furniture around, which she has loved as she has found it exciting discovering where new things are. However, we have agreed that all food (including when DP and I are alone) must be eaten at the dining table in the kitchen, to avoid pup eating anything she shouldn't. DP hasn't changed her bedtime, and I always leave them be so he can read to her, cuddle her, etc.

The changes has been made by DP after discussions we have had; he won't change things if he doesn't agree and he knows what is reasonable to expect of his children. She understands them and will happily explain them back to us (e.g. if DP says she needs to eat her snack at the table, she will happily say she knows because she doesn't want pup to get ill, etc.).

I think she is feeling insecure, understandably, and has tried to come up with reasons why she doesn't feel happy. As I say, she has been on board with the changes we have made generally, but I think she thinks it is me making the changes, when it is actually her DF. There are no rules at her DM's house, and this is evident each time she sees DP.

She can't attribute the changes that relate to the puppy so it must be something else. It could be changes that your oh have put in place that you're not even aware of, but it's been changed as a result of moving in with you and the way she'll see it is that if you hadn't moved together, these would not take place, so she's you as the cause of the changes.

Her telling her dad that your not her mum suggest that you have said or done things that might have come naturally to you but as a command to her. Of course an element of this is inevitable but as you say, it's probably making her feel insecute especially as she's had very little time to adjust to everything.

I understand how you feel. If I'm honest, this is the main reason me and my DP haven't got married yet. As things are, I just know my SS will find a way of putting a dampener on it, and I don't want that, I would rather wait. It doesn't sound to me like you are doing anything wrong and you're already being sensitive to her, I would just try not to focus too much on this and let it spoil your engagement for you. Congratulations.

You're in for a battle tbh. The problem is when changes happen, like where she can eat etc even if it comes from your partner she'll see it as coming about because of you. All you can do is to keep presenting a positive union. If she detects any chinks in the armour whatsoever it will be a mess. You need to discuss everything up front, from bedtimes, mealtimes, chores, laundry because arguing about it while they're there will cause massive problems. Your dp needs to be the one that lays all this out and reinforces it. The sooner all these things are established and stuck to, the sooner she will accept them as the norm.

Thank you all for your opinions, it is helpful to see things from an outsider's perspective.

@dontdisturbmenow You're right that a lot of the changes have coincided with me moving in, and I gather from DP that I am a lot more authoritative that her DM (he was SD to two of her children so knows her parenting style), so I am not surprised I am getting the blame.

@aSofaNearYou Thank you for your congratulations and your understanding of my situation.

@skinnyhotchoc In the 2.5 years DP and I have been together, I could count the number of times we have argued on one hand. We certainly never let DSD know if we are disagreeing on something; we wait until she has gone back to her DM's before we discuss any issues that have arisen. She gets away with a hell of a lot, and I think this is why she hasn't been happy with things recently; DP is being more firm with her. She is the sort of child who will tell an adult to shut up or will put on a huge display of tears if she hasn't been allowed to do something she wants. I couldn't tell you the number of times my DP told her we wouldn't be going to Poundland for her to spend her money yesterday! He fully explained why (lockdown, timing with taking her back to DM's) but she doesn't listen if she doesn't like what she is hearing. I leave it to him to parent her and set the rules.

She is 8 yrs old, her life has been turned upside down by covid and at 8 she does not have the experience, knowledge or ability to cope with more change.

Lockdown, Dad got engaged, bought a pup, changed where she cold play and eat - whilst some seem small to her - coming to Dads sitting on the floor is no longer allowed, eating whilst she plays is no longer allowed - big things to an 8yr old who is being ordered around and told no more than yes.

Give her time and space

I think this little girl has had lots of changes, combined with the anxiety of lockdown. I think you're being a bit unreasonable expecting her to be delighted about it, she is only 8! She needs time, space and lots of reassurance. Congrats OP!

Just a little update, we've had DSD again since I first posted, and she was excitedly asking about the wedding, wanting to know if she could wear a suit, what I'd be wearing, what colours, etc. She was so lovely, and much more enthusiastic than I had originally hoped for, and much more like the 'before lockdown" version when she had been hoping we would get married.

I realised after listing changes on this forum that a lot had changed - for us over a 7 week period it seemed gradual but she isn't here all the time and I could see that it would have been a lot to be thrown into. I really try not to be unreasonable, I think I felt worried that if she didn't want us to get married or live together then our relationship might have to end. A big leap in thinking, but a worry I had nonetheless!

Thank you everyone for your congratulations and support xx