Step kids want to live with us. What to do

[AWalkInTheFuckingPark]

So obviously I know the answer here is I don't do anything, but DH has been talking to me after a long conversation with his children and he's not really sure how best to go about this so I thought I'd ask.

Basically they have told us they want to live with us. They were very mature about it to be fair, say they are not getting on with their mum and they want to stay with us more of the time (we currently have 50/50).

They have asked DH to speak with their mum about it as they don't want to (they aren't scared of her but I think they are upset at the thought of hurting her of course). He's not really sure how to broach the subject as he knows she is going to be very upset or if he even should be encouraging it.

He's obviously said they are always welcome here but was it something we could get to the bottom of, could it be worked out, maybe a sit down chat with their mum and DH so everyone can talk about things together but the kids seem quite insistent that they want to stay here, at least for a while. They got quite upset.

Practicality wise, it's not a problem, there is plenty of space and we don't mind. But I can't help but feel bad for their mum as I know she will be gutted.

We knew they were having the odd fall outs and they have been getting upset at pick ups occasionally when they are leaving recently but they really opened up to him the other night and basically begged to stay here instead. They say the arguments are basically constant and they don't like staying there.

Do we try encouraging them to keep the current arrangement or do we accept that they should get a say in where they are?

They've said they would like to see their mum a couple of days a week maybe but come here after tea.

On paper she is the RP so if she doesn't agree is there even anything we can do anyway?

Children are 8, 11 and 13. To my knowledge there doesn't seem to be a huge disparity between rules in both houses. They don't go to sleep later here or get away with everything they want etc... I'm honestly surprised that they have said things are so bad as we rarely have to shout at them here, they are quite well behaved really.

He asked if this was because of something their mum had told them off for but they've said it's been going on for 'ages'.

That's an incredibly hard one. Unfortunately whether your partner says something or the children say something, Mum will blame him and it will sour the coparenting relationship.

Is there anything like activities the children could do to give them more reasons to stay over at yours in terms of distance to give reasons for it?

If the kids have asked him to speak with their Mum then he should.

Be clear that all of them feel the same as you may need to go to court to get a changed arrangement court ordered and they may ask Cafcass to get involved. They will speak with the children and their thoughts and wishes will be considered, but the youngest may have the decision made for them.

They are going to need to be very clear about their reasons so that the discussion can be driven by them, rather than making Dad the "bad guy".

This incredibly hard for them and him, but maybe the discussion can be broached from the perspective of the kids have asked for him to speak to her about this and he is finding out how she feels about this.

Just to add, and I'm sure you've considered this, the lockdown is making life difficult for everyone and may be a factor that once they are back a school will be easier?

However he speaks to ex, she will take it as an attack. Very difficult to advise except just be as gentle as possible.

He definitely needs to speak to his ex on this and find out what's going on. It'll be hard but hopefully they can have an adult conversation. I thought you were going to say they were all in their teens, the ages seem very young to be making these decisions.

Tbh at that age I think it needs to be your dh and his ex decision, based on what's best for the kids. Not what the kids want on any particular day. The trouble is, when the novelty of living with you wears off will they want to return to mum again. I'd be saying that any move is permanent, so no to let the dc know they can't swap and change depending on the wind. My 8yr old would base her decision on which household is having her favourite tea.

Maybe ask that they stay with you for an extended period during lockdown, without any mention of it continuing when lcokdown is over. Tell the kids that you can discuss a lockdown change of arrangments now, but will leave discussing any change to "normal" arrangements when "normal" comes back.

Perhaps some more time with you in lockdown will ease the pressure, then you can take things one step at a time.

Keep the current arrangement. It might be a bit much having three more quite big people in your house at this time.

I think the children need to seperatly tell their dad their reasons,no collaboration as your DH cannot go in without concrete reasons or about something that can be changed.
No reasons just because they 'want' it is no reason and could be damaging if your dh brings it up.
The children also need to know that all parents love them but this is not their choice.
Quite a while is how long?Since lockdown and their lives changed I expect.
So you need to get to the bottom of this,not giving them the power to choose (as they cat appreciate the ramifications of this)before your dh has a potentially difficult convo with their mum.

We've got the same issue OP. Been with us for weeks now because of lockdown and now saying they don't want to go back to their mum's, she's not really that bothered.

I'd listen to what they say, take their opinions on board, and get DH to talk to her, that's what we did.

I wonder if this is merely a knee jerk reaction to the fsct we've all been cooped up for weeks in very unusual circumstances.

I think that given the lockdown, that you should be at this time promising anything, but say you've heard their voices. Then speak in private with their mum.

It's really hard juggling work and home schooling. She could be facing their wrath because she's insisting on this being completed etc and they're simply responding like children....

I dont think because we want to is good enough actually. If they decided at that age they were no longer coming to your house and refused visitation would that be acceptable because they want. Because they weren't happy you for example wanted them to clean their room. Arguments is a strong word if you dont actually know what is going on.

One huge advantage that children of separated parent have is flouncing to their other parents home when they are not happy with the one parent.

Unless there is abuse that isnt actually good for them. It doesnt teach them that actually sometimes in families you dont get on and you wont want to do what your mam or dad tells you. It also doesnt teach them anything about conflict resolution. It gives them an out.

What are the arguments? I wouldnt do anything at all until your dh has spoken to their mother Children rarely behave the same in both houses.

Just to clarify, we haven't said this is okay or promised them it will happen. DH has every intention of finding out what's actually going on and not just turning up and declaring they are now living with us.

It's just a bit of a sensitive situation obviously, one we've not dealt with before so wanted to gauge opinion or possibly even experience from others of the best way forward!

We can obviously only go off what the children have said until he speaks to their DM. Of course we don't actually know what went on as we weren't there.

If they decided at that age they were no longer coming to your house and refused visitation would that be acceptable because they want

We'd feel like shit obviously. DH speaking to their mum doesn't mean he's going to agree with the children that they should live here, but he does need to let her know what they've said and try to work out what's gone on. As I say, I feel bad because that would make us upset having to hear so I can imagine it must not be nice for her either.

And yes lockdown has occured to us. We asked if this has been since they've not been going to school but they say it's been since before then. We can't say for sure that's the case of course.

My stepson moved in with us. It was with agreement with the mother. She thought it might be for a short while so they could 'cool off' but it was permanent. Then the other one wanted to move in but by then I had two babies and it would have been difficult as my husband travelled alot for his job. Plus I thought their mother would have a fit. In the end he went to boarding school (already on the cards) and stayed with us most weekends.
Communication is vital, and maybe trail it for a month or so? Though my husband's split from his ex was mutual (no third party) she was quite bitter, particularly after we got together relatively quickly (I met him and got engaged within a year of their split). She has a good relationship with her children now, but for a few years in their teens very rocky. I think it was a good thing all around that the kids had somewhere they could go, but my husband bent over backwards to present a united front with his ex in terms of the kids.

Has she got a partner who might be causing issues?

The 13 year old may be bouncing off mum and causing arguments. My 13 year old is very typically teenage difficult and reading between the lines, is even worse when at dad’s. It may just be that.

I think the 8 year old is too young to make that decision and the 11 year old is on the cusp of being able to make that decision. If pursued through court, it may split them. It sounds like things are amicable with mum so an open, non-accusatory conversation would be a good starting point.

OP it's lovely that your post isn't about you but have you also thought about how you will feel about it/deal with it? That's just as important

I agree with Maybe - you really need to know why. If only to ensure that there is. I thing seriously wrong - as they will still be seeing their mum.

What is contact split now? Will their mum be surprised/horrified/OK?

It’s great that they approached the initial discussion in a grown up way but the next part of that is explaining their motive/S as this is a pretty serious step.

Good luck!

I have an 18 year old who I raised pretty much 50/50 with her father and once she started this roughly around 12 it became her default when ever she got pissed of with one of us and wasnt happy to follow rules and expectations in the others home.

She once decided at about 14 she absolutely hated living with me and wasnt putting up with arguments anymore and was moving in with her dad. The arguments as she put it were no phone after a certain time an expectation of cleaning her room etc. Her dad said ok. Three weeks later same in his house and declared she was moving home again to mine. After that we didnt tolerate it.

We may have allowed a few extended days to cool off but never allowed declaration of a full move to the other house.

It obviously depends on the seriousness of what is happening in the relationship with the other parent if it's the right option to switch residency but sometimes it's just normal family living with adolescents.

We have similar, DSD has just arrived with bags - to be fair, her mum is not an easy woman but it’s strange as we literally do not have any different rules or anything. We are at an older age but my husband is now broaching this as a more permanent arrangement. I think yours are a bit young to decide OP so maybe step up to more time at yours initially?

I don't think you'd get anywhere legally if you are currently at 50/50.

I know far too many kids that age who are forced into contact by Cafcass with fathers regardless of their wishes so i dont see it being different the other way round.

I think he needs to talk to her about the rowing. Ask if everything is ok. The children are upset by it. How can he support her.
Try to work on the reason first.

If there's an issue of abuse or neglect, if there's a new partner who is making them nervous, if she's struggling with her own mental health (certainly possible as it's a difficult time)... then of course it's reasonable to talk to their DM and have the kids move in with you and their DF.

But it sounds like maybe they are flouncing. They are at and coming up to tricky ages, and you do not want to get involved in letting them play one parent off against the other. Their parents are going to need to present a united front, or you'll all get played. Arguments need to be worked through; they don't just walk away from their family over disagreements.

He'll need to approach her with this, of course, but it should be in the spirit of looking to keep the 50/50 arrangement in place (unless that's truly not in their best interest because something serious is going on).

Does this strike you as unusual request? It seems like that to me. Why would DC of that age, I.e. able to understand and reason, want to go from 50:50 which gives them contact and a relationship with both parents, to full time with one parent? Honestly this is ringing alarm bells for me, coupled with the DC refusing to tell their mum. I would be worried that something bad is happening at their mum’s for all three to be reacting this way.

I would suggest you speak with a solicitor for advice on how to proceed.

Do you / your DH have an idea of how bad things actually are with their mum? Is she awful to them, does she have a new bf they don’t like or is it teen pushback against rules etc?

Might it also be that 50/50 doesn’t work for them? It sounds so equitable but I wonder if sometimes children would be happier with a main home and visits to the other parent EOW / half holidays / ad hoc. I wouldn’t like to spend half my time in one place and half in another even if it was to see my parents.