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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Advice and insight needed!

4 replies

cls20 · 05/05/2020 12:18

I am in a relationship with a man who has a 3 year old with his ex, I have met his little boy and adore him. But I am concerned about how the co-parenting/separation of parents will impact the child's development and whether he will be negatively impacted? I am not a very regular presence in his life currently due to other life commitments, but I want to be aware of any issues that may crop up or how I can possible help/prevent in the future as he grows up. Any insight into what may happen is most welcome :)

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 05/05/2020 12:41

It very much depends on how well the parents get on and how they behave in the best interests of the child.

Future partners could also impact on the child.

There isn't really one definitive response...as a lot of kids in this situation thrive.... but the attitude of the parents is key to this.

Lostmyshityear9 · 05/05/2020 14:05

Be a voice of logic and reason. Don't let your partner suck you in to any negativity about his ex. See the difference between what he says she is and how she behaves. Don't just side with him on everything - if you consider what mum says is in the best interests of the child, say so and say why. If your partner can rely on you to be a voice of reason, to help him see the other side of an argument, the child will experience less conflict in his life.

In my ex's case, he has a partner who has never met me and we have never spoken on the phone so she has no direct experience of me. She doesn't seem to recognise that there is literally no one at all in my ex's social circle that knows me. If his friends don't know me, he can say what he wants about me and there is never going to be any challenge. She has listened to him, however, and the impact on our children is massive because their home is constant negativity about me - what I wear, what I eat/don't eat, how often I go out, where I work....the questions are endless and never met with 'oh, good for mummy!' but rather 'why would a place like that employ someone like her?' or 'it's illegal to give you a sandwich for your tea' or 'she needs to get up earlier and drop you off at school' when they know nothing at all about what time I start work and restrictions based on childcare opening hours etc. etc. etc.

What she doesn't think about is he sees his children regularly without any interference from me. That he doesn't pay maintenance but he stills sees them. That there are no 2am texts or any texts or emails (literally texted him 32 days ago just looking now) so if he's on his phone the whole time, it's not me! What she doesn't see and hear says way more about me than what he says about me, in other words.

Of course, there may be good reason for any ex to be considered awful and un-cooperative. And in those cases, support for your partner is absolutely valid. But the skills to read between the lines is essential in helping manage long term co-parenting because there will be conflict and your opinion will be sought.

Annaminna · 05/05/2020 17:55

I agree, the key is how grown ups are behaving after the new relationship has been formed. Some people will never find peace and spending rest of their life with bitterness and badmouthing.
Ex, who used to be so sweet and kind, will over the night transform to a unimaginary psycho, because you moved in together.

dontdisturbmenow · 06/05/2020 07:29

So they get along and agree on parenting? This will be the most important aspect next is you agreeing with the way his dad is parenting so that you can aligned to it rather than try to change it because you think he is not raising him well properly nor his ex.

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