Advice please

[CL78]

I've been with my partner now for 3 years, prior to this I was with my childrens father for 23 years (we met at school) we have two boys 25 & 21..we were separated for 1 year following his affair before I met my current partner. I knew when I met my partner that he had 5 small children (now aged, 6, 9 & 16)...up until now we have had the most amazing relationship and have been enjoying building our lives together, however, just recently I have started to feel differently, I know this is going to make me sound selfish but I'm so stressed at the thought of having these small children in my life. this feeling has just come about following having his 9 year old Daughter permanently for the last 3 weeks, (we normally have them no longer than two days at a time). I'm really struggling and suggested that we bring our relationship to an end as I'm just not feeling the whole small family situation is for me...this has caused a huge row (understandable) and I've been accused of being selfish and called names for having my children so young (they both have their own homes & fabulous jobs so I'm proud of what weve achieved). I know I'm probably going to invite many unpleasant comments and I dont feel proud of myself right now but I'm just asking for some advice and to see if anyone has been through something similar and how this worked out....for the record I love my partner with all my heart.

You're at different stages on parenting....I wouldn't have a relationship with a man with such young kids... it would work if you lived separately...so he spends time alone with his kids.

You don't have to suggest ending the relationship...just end it.

I love my young nieces and nephews...but I'm passed that stage and find long periods exhausting.

Your feelings are perfectly normal.

Op am I right in thinking your dp called you names for having your kids young? If so - wtf & where does he get off judging you!?!
I agree with everything @SandyY2K says. My youngest is now 14 & there is no way I personally could go back to being around young kids full time, or even part time - been there, done that & worm the t-shirt. I think how you're feeling is very normal & while you may love your dp the saying sometimes love is not enough is actually a truism.
Follow your gut.

No judgement here at all and it must be so difficult for you

However, is his daughter going to be living with you permanently or will it go back to how it was before?

It must be really hard for you as they aren't your children and suddenly having them around a lot, however this is only temporary and if you can deal with the way it was before, so you want to loose your DP over it?

If it is too difficult for you and you feel like you can't do it, tell him sooner rather than later. As PP said, don't question yourself or suggest it, tell him that's what's best for you and that you have to leave.

Also, if you do decide to stay, I would definitely be questioning what he has said about you having children so young! He's known that about you for a long time and your children have grown up and you are proud of them and their lives, he has no right to judge you and belittle you like that.

My late husband had two preteens when we met. We had our own within a year of marriage and his eldest moved in. Then we had another and his other child (now a teen) eventually moved in too. I wasnt thrilled, partly because my husband travelled alot and having a baby, a toddler and two teenagers full time was more than I was expecting, but they were his kids and I welcomed them.
Parents are a package deal. If you don't want this, then there's only one way this relationship is going.

Thank you everyone for your replies, they were all extremely helpful.
I'm just so confused right now and don't know which way to turn. His Daughter will be going back home to her Mum, she is just with us for the lockdown period (I hate to say this but shes not easy to be around, she is very spoilt & controlling), she has her Dad wrapped around her little finger. In the 3 years we have been together I have never experienced feelings like this and feel awful for doing so as my Partner is extremely loving, caring, & we have so much in common too. He never makes me feel second best to the children and is always very considerate towards all of us. I just dont understand why my feelings have changed so much, I do understand that we are living in "not normal" times and I have an extremely stressful job working for the NHS and have also been working from home these last few weeks too (I've also been looking after his Daughter whilst hes at work). I actually feel really silly for writing all this and reading it back 🙈 but I would just love to hear how others make my situation work, I'm so grateful of any advice 😊

Sounds like you only were around his kids in little doses, so it was manageable. However now you have experience of full on living with one of them and it had thrown the relationship under the spotlight. You're probably realising that at any time some or more of his kids could come and live with you permanently and the reality is not what you want in your life.

Also he started on you to deflect the fact he's been called out as a Disney dad.

Op please don't feel horrible or silly for feeling as you do. Again I say trust your gut. One of the things I've really had to work on in life is what's my crap v's what's someone else's crap.
When I was with exdp I beat myself up for years as I felt the same as you re him & his kids & I thought I was just being a terrible, closed off person. It took me a good deal of self reflection & therapy to see that I was taking on board a very toxic dynamic which was not at all my crap - it was his, & his exw's & his kids'. I realised that I actually don't want to 'take on' anyone else's kids because I feel very strongly about how hard I have worked at parenting & how hard I have worked to ensure my toxic marriage did not become a toxic coparenting situation. Like you I am very proud of my kids & I do have strong opinions on how kids should be reared. That may seem unreasonable to some, but it's my prerogative to feel that way & so long as I don't expect others to bend to my way of doing things then I'm entitled to my stance.
I was mad about my dp but I walked away as it wasn't up to me to change his & his exw's parenting, but I knew I couldn't live alongside it & have to deal with the fall out from it & be happy.
You've reared your kids are you are perfectly entitled to way a relationship where kids and drama aren't the focus.

No judgement from me OP. Kids are hard work, going from 2 nights to 3 weeks whilst working from home and looking after them whilst be works, in the middle of a global pandemic is doubly so.

You do not need his permission to end this relationship. Nor are you a bad person for doing so. In fact I would actually applaud you for not just staying put and silently resenting it. You don't have to want to be around young children, you don't have to silently get on with it. This is your life. If you're not happy then you're not happy, you are entitled to leave a relationship for whatever reason you see fit.

All I will say, is there a chance you'll regret it when things start getting back to normal? There's a high amount of stress going on for everyone right now.

Either way, you'll receive no judgement from me! Kids are tough, someone else's kids are even tougher. There's no shame in admitting it's not what you want and walking away.

No judgement from me OP.
I hate this 'You knew what you were getting yourself into' narrative. You don't say that to a new mum who's baby won't sleep through the night, or when their teenager is having mood swings do you??

I'm in a similar boat. We've gone from having 4 kids 5-13 30% of the time, up to 50 since the pandemic, and now they don't want to go back to their mum's so we've had them 3 weeks straight. She's not bothered. It's tough and not what we signed up for, even though I love them dearly.

We make it work by trying to have a schedule and making sure they know when we need some partner time. We've set aside a date night where we pack them off to their rooms early and just watch a movie. Make sure you keep your relationship as strong as possible.

I am lucky enough to say that the Childrens Mum is very pleasant & doesn't cause us any problems at all, and my Partner is a fantastic Dad to all of his Children and doesn't generally rely on my to do anything (unless it's my choice to do so), he is always more than happy to do it all himself....Again, thank you so much for your replies, I am just so grateful for each of your non judgemental comments, its definitely given me something to think about 😊

You're a totally different phase of life & that is ok. You have the right to be happy and enjoy your life as well. I have one DC and would never consider going back to the days of young children. Hopefully there's a compromise to be found with your DH.

Best of luck.

I understand where you are coming from! I find it difficult and we don’t have my fiancé’s son all the time.

I don’t think I could go from having adult children to play mum to young children again that are not yours. I get it!!

But remember it’s temporary just now and things will hopefully go back to normal. What you have to weigh up is can you go on like this in the future? His kids are not going anywhere... that’s hard I know this from my Experience and I also remember feeling selfish thinking about his son like that. It’s normal to have these feelings but it’s up to you what you do with them. Xx