Aibu is my ex's girlfriend overstepping the mark?

[user1474272923]

So I've been separated from my sons dad for 9 years. Hes been in a relationship with a woman for approx 6 years.
I generally have no very little issues with them both. After a very messy break up, we have settled into respectful co parenting but at a distance from each other.
There have always been arguments in the past , always involving money about him not paying maintenance etc. Iv also had to sell the family home because he pressurised me into paying him back his contribution to the initial deposit. (Long story, but basically he places money over his child's wellbeing very often)
However my son is now 18 and since my ex no longer has to contribute financially arguments have stopped.
Over the past 6 years my son used to spend 1 night a week at their house, but this stopped when he reached about 15, as he didnt have his own room there and would have to sleep on a blow up bed in her sons bedroom.
However, a few days ago my ex's girlfriend posted a status and pictures on social media tagging my son in, stating how proud she is to be a mum.
I feel completely uncomfortable with this. I understand she has known him for 6 years, and he has been a part of their lives... but to call herself a mum to him... it just grinds my gears.
I dont really buy in to the whole step mum thing... I'm under no illusion if she and my ex split she would never bother to see my son again.
I feel like she's taking credit for my parenting.... am I over reacting???

You and your son know the truth. Any woman who truly cared for her stepchild would do something about him sleeping on an air mattress during visits while her own child got a bed. She and your ex clearly didn’t and don’t care and your DS knows this - maybe it’s time to block her from SM now.

@GrumpyHoonMain please don't blame women for their partner failing to provide for their child.

please don't blame women for their partner failing to provide for their child.

Completely agree.

please don't blame women for their partner failing to provide for their child.

Mmmmm

Would a decent woman knowingly be with a man who didn't provide for his child?

To be honest, I find some women often enable men's stupid behaviour.

I think considering your DS hardly sees them ....she could have used a photo of her own son to tag how proud she is.

Her friends and family know he's not her son...and so does everyone who matters...so ignore her.

Would a decent woman knowingly be with a man who didn't provide for his child

In fairness to her, she provided a spare bed in her own son's room. Whether they could/should have done more depends on how much money they had (or more specifically he earned), but she and her son did make sacrifices of their own for OPs kids.

I think it’s a nice touch. I do a lot of parenting of my DSS but am not allowed to post anything on social media which includes them, not even putting their names on birthday wishes on my DH family pages as she kicks off. But it’s ok that her cover photo on Facebook is of the kids on mine and DH wedding day. Bit strange. Don’t be that woman it’s not nice.

She was being nice. A step mum being inclusive is a good thing, surely?

Op - as a matter of interest, how does your ds feel about this post? Just curious as he hasn't lived with them for 3 years - does he feel uncomfortable being included in such a post?
I understand how you feel (have been there myself many times but always managed to rise above it - therapy is great lol) but can also see how the sm might have been trying to be inclusive.
If it were me & my ds was ok with the post I'd ignore it but if he had found it out of order then I'd encourage him to discuss it with his df - not negating your feelings at all but I think this should be more about how your ds feels about it - given that he doesn't seem particularly close with his df & sm.

@SandyY2K men's stupid behaviour is their own responsibility. The expectation that women will pick up the pieces and should police men's behaviour is what enables men to continue behaving poorly.

please don't blame women for their partner failing to provide for their child

So you would stay with a man knowing he didn’t support his children financially? Turn a blind eye? Would you have children with such a man?

One of the biggest reasons child maintenance goes largely unpaid in this country is because we pretend it’s a private matter. We tell ourselves she gets all the benefits/she took him for everything during the divorce/she got the house/she can afford nice clothes and a new car/she earns more than him/she’s a bitch/she’s always out drinking vodka....and we justify it we, we look the other way, and we move on.

With the exception of unemployment, illness and disability, there is no reason to shirk this most important of responsibilities. It should, but sadly doesn’t, make a new partner back off, it should make you think ‘what kind of man’ and it should make you think twice about having children with such a man because that bottom line there is that he just doesn’t care enough to see food on their plates or, as has always been the case with my ex, he hates his ex more than he loves his children and enjoys making life as difficult as he can for her. The kind of man who is all about rights and fuck all about responsibilities.

PPs are absolutely right, it is not for any woman who pick up the pieces but it is 100% everyone’s responsibility to call our all non-maintenance payers when we become aware of it. Not supporting your child should be as socially unacceptable as drink driving or smoking over a newborn. Putting an air bed in a bed room frankly just doesn’t cut it. It is buying into the misogyny which allows this shite to continue.

And as a disclaimer, yes, of course the same should apply to women who shirk this responsibility as well.

@Howaboutanewname I think we are I total agreement. I just think that comments that start with what kind of woman when related to men's behaviour deflects from the real culprits.

The problem is @kyliekoko is that there are all too many women who are happy to be with men who don’t support their children. My ex has found a seemingly endless stream of them. It is not something you read about once in a while on mumsnet, rather it is constant. If women aren’t prepared to stop and think ‘what kind of man’ then we are never going to break the cycle so it really does need asking, if you’re happy with the situation, why? It must be challenged to reduce the normality of it. The behaviour is the problem but as long as we pretend it’s not our problem, the longer it goes on.

I think the problem is that we accept that men don't do it and expect women to be the ones to make them. But we'll have to agree to disagree. I would never be with a man who doesn't pay for his children because I feel I deserve better than that type of man but some women don't have the confidence not to settle. I don't blame them for that.

I agree with the PPs that she probably either just liked that particular photo or didn’t want to leave your son out.

@SandyY2K men's stupid behaviour is their own responsibility. The expectation that women will pick up the pieces and should police men's behaviour is what enables men to continue behaving poorly.

It's not about policing useless men. It's about having a standard of acceptable behaviour with a man you're in a relationship with. A standard that you don't overlook and act like it's not happening, when you know fully well it is.

Staying with someone like that, is condoning their behaviour.

there are all too many women who are happy to be with men who don’t support their children.

I agree. Far too many.

I think it's a case of desperation to be in a relationship.

It's just like the men who don't even see their kids at all...the new woman believes the psycho Ex story, who won't let him see his kids and says nothing..no attempt to verify....no questioning why he hasn't gone to court.....until he does the very same thing to her when they have kids....he goes and never looks back.

I had every sympathy for you until you basically said step parents dont feel any struggle in parenting kids.

Let me tell you, as a step mum I've felt more struggle helping to parent my step child than I've ever felt in parenting my own.

Would you have preferred her to have left your son out and just posted about how great her own son is? If so, then how do you think your son would have felt seeing the post? Also, unless I’m being mistaken, the post was meant for your son, not you. Unless your son was being abused by his step mum (which is clearly not the case as you have even admitted she’s a nice woman) then their relationship has got nothing to do with you.

@user1474272923
I see that this thread is a bit old already, but I wanted to say that after reading (almost) all replies, and your last one, I think you are in the right mindset.
It IS stressful being a single parent especially if you struggle to get maintenance that is owed etc. Of course you feel that you have done most of the work...because you have. And of course it is difficult to swallow to see someone else take the credit, but she has probably equally tried hard to make the best of a bad situation for your son for the past 6 years.

Great to see that you are ok now and can I say a big THANK YOU to you for recognising her qualities. I am a stepmum, not a mum, but I believe that credit must be given when credit is owed, both ways.

Glad that the stepmum gang could help. Please don't hesitate to stop by again if you struggle with something else. We're always here!

I’m sorry but I don’t see the problem with having SCs sleeping on blow up beds if that’s all they have?
Ideally kids should have their own room but it’s not always an option due to finances.
My SCs have had to bunk in with my kids for the last 2 years, which included one of my SDs having a blow up mattress on the floor of my DD’s bedroom.

The post would definitely have included him to save any jealousy or upset. I love my SCs but don’t really see myself as a mother figure, they have a mum. I’m dad’s partner and more like an aunt type figure.
However, whenever I talk about my kids I include them because they are part of my family and on the odd exception where I have only mentioned my own DCs both my partner and my SCs have ended up offended (unintentionally on my part).

Step-parenting is a minefield.

If we don’t include our SCs we’re accused of being uncaring, if we do then we’re accused of overstepping the mark and upsetting their mums.

Also on a side note, I normally am in 100% agreement with @SandyY2K’s post because she’s normally spot on... however I agree with PPs who have said women cannot be held responsible for the way men behave towards their DC.
I agree with you Sandy that no I would not be with a man like that, but I suspect these men who willingly treat their kids like crap as likely to be manipulative and evasive of the truth with their partners... possibly even abusive if they’re cold enough to mistreat their children.

They’ll likely be feeding them lines such as

1. My ex won’t let DC come here
2. I pay what I’m supposed to but ex is greedy and wants more
3. She’s twisted DC against me
4. Ex is crazy and evil and cheated on me etc

Just to name a few! It’s like there’s a script with this crap dads and unfortunately there are women naive and trusting enough who believe this trite.

Of course there are women who know the truth and just don’t care, but I believe the vast majority of them only hear their partner’s version of the truth.

I understand why you feel aggravated OP.

People make prats of themselves on Facebook, especially when they are trying to spotlight themselves. No one will think anything of it.

@OoooImBlindedByTheLight

I'm in no way saying it's the responsibility of the new partner to get the father to step up and do right by his children.

I just wouldn't have any respect for a man who didn't and therefore wouldn't be in a relationship with him, like yourself.

When you stick by such men, it gives the message that you support what he's doing.

If course, one can never know if she is fully aware...but there have been threads on here that indicate the stepmum is aware and is very much in support of it.

Your son is 18.
She is someone who isn't related to you.
You should not snooping around other people FB pages.

😂😂😂 .. I'm not sure you understand how social media works if you're making comments like this haha.
She is a facebook friend... and she tagged my son in her post... no snooping required.
But thank you for your advice 😊

I'm not really sure what's so hilarious OP about someone suggesting you must have been snooping to see the picture. You clearly don't like the woman that much so it's not a great leap to have assumed you wouldn't have had her as a friend on your own Facebook.

Your son is an adult so isn't likely to be confused as to who his parents really are. It sounds to me like she was trying to be inclusive so people diddnt chime in with 'what about your DSS'

Can't win either way really.