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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step-parenting advice

17 replies

MR92 · 27/04/2020 15:49

Hello, I am completely new to Mumsnet and still don’t know all the acronyms, so please bare with me!

I am writing this because I’d love some advice from others about my situation and how I am feeling.

I’ve been with my partner for almost 3 years - he’s a lot older than me and he also has a son (6yrs) from his previous relationship. His relationship with his son is lovely. He absolutely adores him and his son adores him. I also have a good relationship with his son but I can’t help but feel like a third wheel and that we live two completely separate lives.

I don’t feel like he involves me in anything, so I try to involve myself. For example if he’s struggling with helping him with his homework, I’ll try and help by looking at it from a different point of view. But it’s so difficult when I constantly feel like I’m try to involve myself, rather than being invited.

He also co-sleeps with his son. So when he’s putting him to bed he’ll lay with his son until he falls asleep and while he’s doing this, I’m left downstairs just waiting. Last night was a prime example - he spent two hours getting his son to bed. Then again, this morning, they are both sat upstairs, in bed, watching tv and I’m downstairs just on my own. I like my own time by myself but I also have needs. It makes me feel so incredibly lonely. I also think that when his son goes to bed, this time should be for me an my partner to be together and digest the day but because he spends so much time getting his son to bed and to sleep, it leaves very limited time for us.

My partner is not a very attention giving person. He doesn’t really show much affection to me, unless I ask for it! So maybe this comes from a place of jealously? I see him giving his son all the attention and affection, that i’d really love to see him give to me. Am I being overly sensitive? Has anyone else experienced these kind of feelings? Any advice?

I feel like such an inhumane person writing this because that’s his son but I just feel so lonely and isolated.

OP posts:

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lunar1 · 27/04/2020 16:01

How much time is his son with you for?

Original poster

MR92 · 27/04/2020 16:44

Half of the week at least but me and my partner work shifts, so it’s not like on the days he’s not here we spend all day together because that’s not the case. Like last week he was working 2-10 and I was working 7-4, so I barely got to see him and then this weekend we’ve had his son. I don’t actually live with my partner either and I find myself having to fit around his life.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 27/04/2020 17:55

If it's not working for you, best leave the relationship. I'm not sure if you want kids...but you say he's a lot older than you.

If he doesn't give you attention and affection, how did you get to the stage of living together?

Original poster

MR92 · 27/04/2020 18:04

I don’t particularly want children, it’s never been something I see myself having but I do want to get married and have a commitment but he doesn't want to. He brings up the past a lot when he talk about it, talking about his ex (the mother to his child) and how even though he spent £10,000 on an engagement ring and took her to New York, it never worked out.

We don’t currently live together. We have been self isolating together for the past few weeks, to test living together.

Previously I would have had so much more respect for myself and I would have just left...

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 27/04/2020 18:10

This isn't a step parenting problem, it's a relationship problem.
He is not affectionate, he doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't include you in a relationship with his child. I think it's pretty clear that you are bot going to get what you need from him. Don't settle.

Maltay · 27/04/2020 18:11

I have 3 SD and never felt the way you did. I think If your relationship was solid you wouldn't feel this way. When the SS isn't there does he give you enough time and attention?

HeckyPeck · 27/04/2020 18:15

Previously I would have had so much more respect for myself and I would have just left...

You can leave OP. He doesn’t sound like a good partner. Cut your losses. This was the trial run of living together and it hasn’t worked. That’s ok. Better to leave now before you live together for real.

aSofaNearYou · 27/04/2020 18:45

I agree, he sounds like a rubbish partner on all fronts. You shouldn't settle for him.

Giespeace · 27/04/2020 21:57

If your relationship was important to him, he would show you in one way or another. It just so happens that in this case you can look at the overall picture and say that his child is a big part of the problem. He isn’t.

Speaking as a SM whose DSD aged 9 still has the same bedtime “routine” as your partners son (which I think is an utter farce, but whatever) so I do know the annoyance of sitting waiting and waiting for him to reappear. DSDs bedtimes are such a mess (both parent to blame IMO) that sometimes I head to bed even before she does. I don’t know how I would feel if she was here all the time stealing our evenings but I do know my DH looks after me and our relationship in other ways and at other times, so I’m sure I wouldn’t feel as lonely and insecure as you obviously do.

I’d cut and run OP. Doesn’t seem like there’s much to be gained for you by continuing like this.

Techway · 27/04/2020 22:06

How old are you? It feels as if you are settling and I think you deserve much more.

He isn't a good partner,for so many reasons, and if you stay you will miss the opportunity to meet a man who is able to meet your needs.

Don't settle..he isn't such a great catch so throw him back.

dontdisturbmenow · 28/04/2020 14:48

You seem to expect a lot of attention for an adult. Do you really feel abandoned without your partner for a couple of hours?

I could understand it if you were new into a relationship but that neediness after 3 years together is unusual.

Talk to him though if it makes you so unhappy.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 28/04/2020 14:52

I don’t particularly want children, it’s never been something I see myself having but I do want to get married and have a commitment but he doesn't want to

This is clearly not the man for you.

SimonJT · 28/04/2020 17:40

If you don’t want children why did you choose a partner who has children?

You’re jealous that a very young child is being appropriately parented. Should he say no to spending time with his son, should he expect a six year old to take himself off to bed?

If someone putting their six year old to bed feels abandoned then you need to sort yourself out, that isn’t normal at all. Yes, it might be a boring wait, but as an adult that isn’t a hardship.

If my boyfriend complained I was parenting my son he wouldn’t be my boyfriend any longer.

aSofaNearYou · 28/04/2020 18:59

It's not needy or abnormal to feel lonely if he is spending two hours putting his child to bed - I go to bed about two hours after my DD does, that is a very long bedtime routine that could easily leave no quality time for the adults and leave OP feeling lonely. Most non parents will have rarely encountered or considered cosleeping. There's no need to insult her as though she is just complaining about him popping up to tuck his son in, that's clearly not the case.

We can all agree this is not the relationship for OP, but she is not needy and has nothing to be ashamed of, her expectations are very average.

HeckyPeck · 28/04/2020 19:56

We can all agree this is not the relationship for OP, but she is not needy and has nothing to be ashamed of, her expectations are very average.

Agreed. Some people on here just love to stick the boot in. Take it with a pinch of salt OP.

dontdisturbmenow · 29/04/2020 07:31

It's not needy or abnormal to feel lonely if he is spending two hours putting his child to bed
I appreciate everyone is different but needing to have your partner with you in the evenings or you feel miserable is very dependent forming. It's ironic to be annoyed with a 6 year for wanting the same thing, except it's more understanding at that age!

It sounds like the two hours was unusual and is normally shorter. It will get better and that time will be shorter, but that's something you need to accept if you share a household with a child.

Giespeace · 29/04/2020 08:16

It's ironic to be annoyed with a 6 year for wanting the same thing

Except, as with most kids that age, the day will have revolved around them and the adults won’t have had peace to have an actual conversation. So OP looks forward to some scraps at the end of the day, only for her DP to take up to two hours getting the child to sleep.

Most relationships require couples to be able to spend some time actually having a relationship. This kind of thing puts a strain on marriages/relationships where both adults are the parents, never mind step situations. It’s not just OP being needy.

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