Has anyone ever just given up and left?

[blueglassandfreesias]

I have been a step mother for 8 years now and have had enough.
Me and DH have a 3 year old together so I’d be heart broken for her but I really feel my mental health is so affected by the constant stream of negativity from DSD, her mum and my DH that I feel I’m hanging on by my finger nails.

Any stories of hope out there that leaving wouldn’t be so bad?

I split with my ex in December just gone. He moved out. We 4 children together and he has one with his ex wife.

It’s like having a breath of fresh air not having to deal with all that constant drama/stress/upset anymore. Me and my children suddenly have more money, more space, more happiness, more calm, better plans and hopes for the future, etc...
I can actually give my children a better life now.

We’ve had more to gain than to lose.

Thank you, that’s what I’m imagining.

We’re your kids upset about it when you told them?

Were

I walked away from a coercive manchild whose three small children lived with him, taking me and my own two small children and what few things we owned, and it was hard at first and then some other things happened but they were unrelated to the leaving and actually did me a favour because now we are living in our own place, with a mortgage, access to good schools, family support, I have a partner who doesn't force his body parts into mine and there's a whole load of other happy things happening. It's already probably too outing. But yes, it can be so very liberating.

My problem is that I have no money ie no savings, literally £400 to my name.
I’m trapped.

We’re your kids upset about it when you told them?

Not in the slightest.

Really?
My 3 year old would be heart broken 💔

I think it's more important to focus on why you feel you need to leave. Would relationship counselling help at all?

I think its hard to give advice on such little information!

Depends on each persons situation, good or bad dad? What is happening that effects you so much? Is it effecting your child?

But the biggest question is would YOU be happier !

Yes, it was huge relief. My daughter was happy, we have a lovely life without stress. x

DSD has a tech addiction, autism and PDA.
Her mum has no boundaries and often turns up at our house and starts rowing with DH about lies her daughter has sent him e.g. each time DH says can you come off the tech and get 10 minutes fresh air. DSD lies and her mum comes to rescue, DH and DSD's mum start fighting the DSD is released from having to come off her tech. When I point out the fact that she is just playing them off against each other, bot DH and DSD's mum attack me.

Repeat this scenario x1000 per year.

I simply don't know how to be happy in this situation.

Often DSD's mum says "Look DSD is crying" I look at her and she's literally smiling under her hoodie without a tear in her eye! It's like this weird sub-truth existence.

I really don't mind about teens lying thats what they do. I mind about her parents going along with the lies and manipulation enabling her tech addiction and just attack each other. bingo- Dsd gets received from the task she created the drama for in the first place.

Its good to hear that people have had positive experiences of leaving.

That does sound tough.

I think your options are:

1 Accept that's how things are. Try and remove yourself and your DD from it as much as possible and leave it to your DH. If he wants to offload his negativity on you, tell him you can't be that person for him if he can't work with you to solve it. Cut contact with his XW altogether and keep interactions with DSD as friendly as you can be but minimal if necessary

2 Work with your DH to improve things. I'm sure you've tried. Could counselling/mediation help? Would telling him you're considering leaving help him at how much of an issue this is? I don't mean holding it over him as an ultimatum, just if he's been dismissing how much of an impact it's having. What have you tried already? And could people here suggest alternatives?

1. Leave, protect your mental health and remove yourself from the situation. Look after your DD and try and keep a good relationship with DH as co parents. DD will adjust to the changes with support and reassurance. It sounds as if the current situation isn't necessarily great for her either so you could be swapping two stressed and unhappy parents who live together to separate parents who are coping better.

Which one feels like what you want ultimately? And how much energy do you think you have to put into making each one happen? They all involve change and work.

Finally right now everything is under pressure and lots of people are finishing previous problems maintained. There's no real time limit so what would get you through the next few weeks?

Sorry, autocorrect
"finding previous problems magnified"

Christ. The situation the op describes is how I thought it would go with my exp and his dd.

He may well be heartbroken, but a child having their parents together isn’t always the best thing for them. If you feel his life and his happiness will be better if you are no longer with his dad, then that’s what you need to keep reminding yourself.

I feel really sorry for a lot of children born in to second families. I have no regrets about getting my children away from it all in order to protect their mental health as they grow older.

DSD’s mother is very friendly with everyone in our village (we live close by) and has bi-polar which causes her to be very up and down.
She’s very good at playing the victim and I know that if I tried to make any boundary at all she would bad mouth me to everyone.

I would love to move away but I would be reducing DD’s quality of life so much by doing so. It’s a horrible trap.

Never have a step family. That’s what I wish someone had told me.

You can always leave OP. The set up you describe is appalling and while change is always daunting you need to consider whether it’s good for your daughter to be brought up around so much drama with a dad who prioritises his ex’s feelings and you all arguing.

Do you work? If you’re married you don’t have to walk away with nothing.

I’d be off. It sounds shit. You and your child deserve better.

Your daughter may be less upset than you expect. She will be picking up on all of this.

I know my two seemed upset at first, but they told me later on that they had just felt guilty at how relieved they were.

No child wants to live in a house where their older half sibling gets away with murder, disrepects their mother and sucks all the positivity/attention away from them.

Your situation may be bad to start with, but you can improve it. I'm sure your daughter will thank you. Mine did.

@funinthesun19 I can relate to this and I'm the first mum! I feel sorry for my dds half sibling he's really been born into a mess. Exh is worse than ever with his narcissism and I know his mum struggles with the step dynamic.

My partner now has no children and I couldn't go back to a blended family which is a shame as I adore children and 10 years ago I would bite your hand off for a step child didn't phase me at all.

As ever it's not the kid it's the adults...

As ever it's not the kid it's the adults...

Yes definitely. My hurt and yes I will admit resentment/bitterness is all directed at my ex, his ex wife and his family. They all made the step situation unbearably depressing and stressful when it didn’t need to be like that. My ex has a lot to answer for because his lack of effort in all aspects of the relationship made it very difficult for us to be a harmonious successful blended family. Without that effort it will never work and it took me a long time to finally realise my self worth and in order to give my children the best he needed to go.

Thank you so much for the non-judgemental advice. (Always a bit of a gamble online when it comes RJ step parenting!)
We have DSD for the next 5 days and I’ve asked DH how he plans to set boundaries with DSD’s mum. I suggested that if she comes to our house, he go into the back garden to talk about things so their friction doesn’t rub off on my DD (age 3).
I can feel my stomach churning, I am so on edge at the prospect of 5 full days in lockdown with this unharmonious situation right in my face.

In the short term ( today j I think you need to opt out of it all. Let your DH deal with her . Remove yourself and your 3 year old from the combat zone.

If she spends 24 hours a day on her PS4 it’s not your problem.

I’d also be researching online. I’m assuming you don’t work right now as you say you only 400£. Find out about jobs for yourself, what benefits you would be entitled to , what you’d get in a divorce.

If you and your husband have assets such as a house, saving, pensions or life insurance you are entitled to some of them. How long have you been married ?

Stay building up your cash by taking cash back every time you go to the supermarket. It won’t make a huge difference but every little helps.

You will need money for the deposit on a rented property.

And of course you can move away from your village - your child is 3 for goodness sake! She will adapt very quickly.

God poor you! As with above posts you need a bit of distance to think things through. Does your DH know how you feel? Two books that I found really really helped me see things more clearly were 'stepmonster' ( helped me see I'm not alone with how I feel) and 'say goodbye to crazy'. It was brilliant and really really helped my relationship. It's just about good boundaries really. Good luck x ( pS still think about leaving but not quite so frequently!)