Calling children.

[RoseA89]

Hi everyone. I’m looking for a bit of advice. My DP has 2 children of his own. He usually sees them a few days a week but because of lockdown, his ex won’t let him see them at all. The plan was that he would call every second day for a video call. However, now, he calls them every day and at the most inconvenient times, ie during dinner, whilst making dinner (leaving me to finish). When making the calls, he gets up and leaves, so I’m not even involved in them. It seems as though he calls them whenever we make plans or are doing something together, leaving me alone. I’m just wondering if anyone is in this situation with their partners/husbands calling their kids like this? I’m not saying I don’t want him to call, but I feel he could be more mindful of when he calls? I said this to him and he blew me off x

@SoVeryLost he is going it on purpose.

He is afraid to stand up to his ex because he has a fear she will take the children away from him completely.

We are both working from home, so we do plan to do things together when we are free. It’s during this that the calls are made, when he has frequent breaks throughout the day when he could call

But he's working! So his breaks during the day are loo breaks, coffee breaks? I'm sorry but this statement screams control to me. Surely he can phone his children when he sees fit? I can see that if he's using the children as an excuse not to do things with you that he had previously agreed to do with you that would be annoying (and potentially upsetting) but really, why should he have to ask to speak with his children? It is hard enough that he is going to have to go through his ex to get to speak to them without adding in another layer of permission, surely? You say you've just moved in together so if he's been on his own a while, adjusting to the togetherness may not quite be there. I am not sure trying to force it is the answer.

I have tried this, but the calls change daily and are usually dictated to by his ex
That's what the true is isn't it, you don't like the idea that your man is TD what to do by another woman!

Calling them during the day is likely inconvenient to him and them. Having a relaxing conversation with kids is not best placed when taking break from work when he might need to pick up a call or answer an urgent email.

They themselves might be in a middle of a lesson or nap if little. It make sense 5bat it should be after they had their lessons, not when they are taking their daily walk but before their meal, bath and relaxed time before bedtime so that will limit the available times.

What are you doing that is so inflexible? The only thing I could understand is him disappearing each time you are ready to sit down at the table, but it doesn't sound to be the case, more that you want to be the one making the call when it is avoid time for him to speak to his kids to your convenience.

Yes my DP is doing similar. His ex has stopped him seeing his DD and now there are daily sometimes more facetimes. It is all done so privately he rushes off and shuts the bedroom door, hasn't even let myself or my kids speak to her. I suspect it's because his ex is hanging around in the background.

Now I'm at the other end of this post, i'm the mother whos with the children all day every day and the phone calls if any are welcomed.

Now in my situation we would usually do them before dinner, not during the day as home schooling and work takes president but around dinner time.

I would just be happy that your partner is making daily phone calls to his kids whilst in lockdown as some can easily get forgotten, you are a big person and can easily work around him calling them, its not like the calls are 3 hours at a time.
I think you need to give him a break and let him phone his kids when he wants.

His ex doesn't know what time he's 'helping' with dinner or meant to be doing other stuff with OP - or what time he takes his work breaks.

I think he's using the ex-situation to dodge out of 'helping' with stuff.....and of course he doesn't want you in the vicinity/part of the call, good excuse to leave the room - and not get caught in your game of 'coincidence'.....

He CAN find a more appropriate time in the 12 hours that are available...and he can start taking legal steps is his ex is truly as 'difficult' as he is currently claiming.

Personally, i'd just calmly down tools once he takes the call and resume when he gets back.
When he comments just tell him straight - "I'm fed up of being left to do it by myself".

I can understand it's hard for you and see where you are coming from. The shoe is on the other foot for me as a BM, DD isn't seeing her Dad right now as we are a vulnerable household due to existing medical conditions. To keep in touch, DD now has daily calls with her Dad. I suggested a fixed time as I'm trying to keep DD in a routine of sorts, but he calls at varying random times all of which are inconvenient - dinner, bedtime etc which mean that I'm having to pivot almost daily. This isn't new for us as DD skypes weekly with her Dad between normal contact and he similarly won't stick to a time. I'm a single Mum so I do all the chores anyway so no different there lol In normal times, DD calls me when she was at her Dad's, again random times - could be anytime of the day on any of the days she spends there. Been the same since DD was little.. I've personally bit my tongue to avoid conflict but it does get me down from time to time as he has a rule that if I don't pick up then she can't call back and she's only allowed to call once per contact session (I have to pee sometimes lol so miss her sometimes).

It's really hard being a SM as sometimes people think you don't have a ''say'' and should just be magnanimous... hence making suggestions is controversial. Personally, I think these things work best when everyone is considerate of each other and a compromise is found that suits everyone. Maybe you could try to explain to your DH that a set time might just make it easier for everyone - your household and his ex-p. Routine helps children to know what to expect etc. A set time for calls is considerate for everyone and perfectly reasonable to request.